Yesterday was a reduced calorie day--my new term for those two days a week I greatly slash calories on my modified version of the 5:2 diet.
I'm still tweaking it into something that works for me. Between 1 p.m. and 8 p.m. I ate two bananas, a cup of blueberries, and two meals of salmon and asparagus. But my head started hurting around 6 p.m. and just got worse and worse with each passing hour.
Though fully aware that it was my "diet day", my husband ordered pizza, and then asked if I wanted to go out for cupcakes. I said no. So he proposed ice cream. What the fuck, right?
I went to bed fairly grumpy at 10 p.m. and told myself I'd feel better in the morning. Then the baby, who normally sleeps peacefully from 9 or 10 p.m. until about 8 in the morning, woke up SCREAMING and could not be comforted. I could not figure out what was wrong, but I got her back to sleep after about 20 minutes. An hour later it happened again! Crying worse than before, and we could not get her to calm down. We were actually a bit scared and I texted my mom, who's a nurse (and a mother of five). We never did figure it out, but she eventually wore herself out and slept again.
That second time did me in. I was on hour 6 of that damn headache and stressed and I went for the pizza. Three slices of cheese pizza, a hot cocoa, and two Excedrin later, I felt physically better, albeit disappointed in blowing my plan at midnight, just as the day was coming to a close.
I don't think I drank enough water yesterday, simply because I wasn't tracking it. And I waited until too late in the day to eat my first meal of fish and vegetables. Hence the headache. Furthermore, I should have asked my husband to wait on the pizza and let him know that his ice cream and cupcake proposals were really bothering me.
I'd say he is sabotaging me, only...doesn't that usually start to happen once someone is visibly LOSING weight? I'm not even there yet! Seems too early for that sort of thing. I think it's more an issue of him not taking my diet seriously, because he's never seen me embark on one in a serious, prolonged fashion. Maybe he's testing me. Whatever it is, I don't appreciate it.
While eating breakfast this morning, I realized I wasn't actually hungry and didn't need to be eating yet. I was still reacting to the night before. That's one good thing about this 5:2 plan; it helps you see more clearly when you are overdoing it and eating for reasons other than hunger. I don't always stop, but my awareness has been improved, and that's a start.
I'm doing another reduced day on Friday, and between smarter timing of meals, more water, and more assertiveness towards my husband, I hope I can avoid a headache and feel more resilient in the face of midnight baby screams or whatever else life has in store for me!
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Sick of it
My in-laws are here again this week and I've fallen into old ways yet another time: using sugar as a drug to cope with stress, anxiety, anger, resentment. I don't need to go into details about how much I hate their visits and why, because the real issue that is plaguing me is my inability to deal with unpleasantness without numbing myself via unhealthy and excessive food.
I no longer meet the diagnostic criteria for binge eating disorder, but I feel despair over my continued emotional eating and overeating (and of course, my weight). And there are so many habits and behaviors that go into this that I hate. I hate that I still feel a pull to buy whatever Limited Edition bullshit that is being rolled out each week by the Oreo people, the Ben & Jerry's people, or the Haagen Dazs bastards. I hate that I'll go weeks without McDonald's and then fall into again, because that stuff is utter trash and when the smiling worker at the drive-thru window hands me my bag, I often sarcastically think "assisted suicide, hooray!"
I hate that today, I went to the supermarket to buy a stash of cheap candy bars to keep in my closet to get me through the rest of the in-law visit--an old bingey behavior and the exact same thing as your average pothead squirreling away his or her stash--and that I bought my 5 month-old organic pureed baby food in the same visit. I felt utterly ridiculous unloading my cart onto the conveyor belt at checkout. And I felt like a horrible mother. I'm looking at my beautiful baby girl in her carseat and she's wearing a onesie that says "mommy loves me", and mommy can't get herself under control enough to ensure that she won't die of a heart attack in the next 10 years and leave her child without a mother. I feel very much like an addict.
I am an addict, basically.
****************
I think I need drugs. I know that's funny, given the statement I just made. But the bottle of Percocet I brought home from the hospital after my C-section has given me some perspective.
A little over five months ago, I came home with a dozen Percocet. And I LOVE how they made me feel--they chill you out, block all pain, and make you feel like your limbs are turning into liquid gold. Because I only had 12 pills and knew I wouldn't be able to get a refill, I typically only used them on nights when physical pain (usually a terrible headache) coincided with extreme emotional pain and severe anxiety. And they wiped ALL the pain away, physical and mental/emotional. More than once after taking them I thought, "if I had access to these all the time, I'd have no need to abuse food. I'd be downright skinny."
I'm not saying that abusing prescription drugs is any better than abusing food, or that I ACTUALLY WANT to trade one addiction for another. (I took my last remaining Percocet yesterday, incidentally.) What I'm really trying to say is that Percocet showed me the effect I've been trying to achieve with food, for years and years: relaxed, mildly good-humored, free of pain. And it showed me that food doesn't do as good a job creating this state as drugs designed for this very purpose do. No surprise there!
I've been trying to drug myself with food for a long time, when perhaps what I really need is ACTUAL DRUGS. Appropriate drugs prescribed by a psychiatrist that can help me with the mental states that keep knocking me off my feet. A few years ago, I took Prozac for a few months, but stopped when it became clear that I'd have to up the dose to continue reaping the benefits of the drug. At the time, that didn't sound good to me, and furthermore, I was starting to get interested in having a baby and didn't want antidepressants in my system. But I have to admit that I'm not making progress by drugging myself with sugar and that my current drug of choice has horrible side effects too (can you call "keeping oneself on the brink of diabetes at all times" a side effect?). I have to admit that my meditation practice has helped, but it's not enough at this point.
The understanding that I'm drugging myself with food and sugar has always been there, but a willingness replace this with actual prescription drugs instead hasn't. Until now. The hunt for a good psychiatrist is on.
****************
Maybe a psychiatrist can help me sort out the question of moderation versus abstinence. That question has spun me around and around, and when it recurs I feel like I've made no progress at all. I mean, just a post or two ago I spoke about how the 5:2 diet doesn't require you to give up dessert and how that's better for me, given "how I'm wired." And here I am again, questioning.
ALL ABOARD THE CRAZY TRAIN!!!
On one hand, there are several people whose intelligence and experience I really respect that advocate moderation. They say you aren't really at ease and therefore haven't really solved your problem until you can be moderate around sugar and other indulgent foods. This makes sense to me.
Add to this the fact that I've never succeeded at abstinence for more than a few weeks at a time, and that involved much white knuckling, and there was usually crazed consumption of sugar afterwards that undid any good that was achieved.
Add to this my past experience with OA, which preaches sugar abstinence. I didn't see many success stories in those church basements. There were a few abstinent people, and they seemed batshit crazy with OA-speak...and the rest had been struggling for years but kept coming back to the meetings, believing it to be their only hope.
And then there are my stints in "treat legalization", which I have found really does decrease my desire for sweets. (ETA: It decreases my desire for the specific treats I legalize. I wouldn't say it decreases my desire in general.) And mindful eating has shown me that I can be satisfied with less of something at a sitting: a smaller slice of cake, fewer cookies, whatever. So I have experienced other modes of eating treats that give me some hope.
Taken together, that's a lot in favor of moderation.
But then there's the reality that I'm so often NOT moderate. I overdo it, over and over again, and I'm hurting my health. My bloodwork and the way I feel day-to-day is proof enough of that.
And so often, my thought while buying and eating crappy foods is "I hate this. I'm sick of this." I'm not even enjoying it, or paying attention to the food...because all I'm after is the high, anyway, and half the crap I buy disappoints when it comes to flavor. So yeah, I *know* how to eat mindfully, sure, but I usually don't do it, because eating mindfully interferes with the pursuit of a drugged state...which is what I'm after 90% of the time I eat sweets. Even now, even though I no longer binge like before. I'm still after that altered state.
Lastly, I've been studying the dharma for a year and half now, and it has helped my life in various ways. Many Buddhists would advocate giving up anything that makes you suffer--sense pleasures, relationships, pursuit of status or fame...really anything you grasp at desperately that leads to repetitive suffering. For me, sweets surely fall into that category. I suffer because of them, in a way that many other people don't. And so often I think my life would be happier and more peaceful if I could let go of them completely and be free of the suffering they cause.
So taken together, that's a lot in favor of abstinence.
Conclusion: I need help to get out of this confusing abyss I've been in for too long.
I no longer meet the diagnostic criteria for binge eating disorder, but I feel despair over my continued emotional eating and overeating (and of course, my weight). And there are so many habits and behaviors that go into this that I hate. I hate that I still feel a pull to buy whatever Limited Edition bullshit that is being rolled out each week by the Oreo people, the Ben & Jerry's people, or the Haagen Dazs bastards. I hate that I'll go weeks without McDonald's and then fall into again, because that stuff is utter trash and when the smiling worker at the drive-thru window hands me my bag, I often sarcastically think "assisted suicide, hooray!"
I hate that today, I went to the supermarket to buy a stash of cheap candy bars to keep in my closet to get me through the rest of the in-law visit--an old bingey behavior and the exact same thing as your average pothead squirreling away his or her stash--and that I bought my 5 month-old organic pureed baby food in the same visit. I felt utterly ridiculous unloading my cart onto the conveyor belt at checkout. And I felt like a horrible mother. I'm looking at my beautiful baby girl in her carseat and she's wearing a onesie that says "mommy loves me", and mommy can't get herself under control enough to ensure that she won't die of a heart attack in the next 10 years and leave her child without a mother. I feel very much like an addict.
I am an addict, basically.
****************
I think I need drugs. I know that's funny, given the statement I just made. But the bottle of Percocet I brought home from the hospital after my C-section has given me some perspective.
A little over five months ago, I came home with a dozen Percocet. And I LOVE how they made me feel--they chill you out, block all pain, and make you feel like your limbs are turning into liquid gold. Because I only had 12 pills and knew I wouldn't be able to get a refill, I typically only used them on nights when physical pain (usually a terrible headache) coincided with extreme emotional pain and severe anxiety. And they wiped ALL the pain away, physical and mental/emotional. More than once after taking them I thought, "if I had access to these all the time, I'd have no need to abuse food. I'd be downright skinny."
I'm not saying that abusing prescription drugs is any better than abusing food, or that I ACTUALLY WANT to trade one addiction for another. (I took my last remaining Percocet yesterday, incidentally.) What I'm really trying to say is that Percocet showed me the effect I've been trying to achieve with food, for years and years: relaxed, mildly good-humored, free of pain. And it showed me that food doesn't do as good a job creating this state as drugs designed for this very purpose do. No surprise there!
I've been trying to drug myself with food for a long time, when perhaps what I really need is ACTUAL DRUGS. Appropriate drugs prescribed by a psychiatrist that can help me with the mental states that keep knocking me off my feet. A few years ago, I took Prozac for a few months, but stopped when it became clear that I'd have to up the dose to continue reaping the benefits of the drug. At the time, that didn't sound good to me, and furthermore, I was starting to get interested in having a baby and didn't want antidepressants in my system. But I have to admit that I'm not making progress by drugging myself with sugar and that my current drug of choice has horrible side effects too (can you call "keeping oneself on the brink of diabetes at all times" a side effect?). I have to admit that my meditation practice has helped, but it's not enough at this point.
The understanding that I'm drugging myself with food and sugar has always been there, but a willingness replace this with actual prescription drugs instead hasn't. Until now. The hunt for a good psychiatrist is on.
****************
Maybe a psychiatrist can help me sort out the question of moderation versus abstinence. That question has spun me around and around, and when it recurs I feel like I've made no progress at all. I mean, just a post or two ago I spoke about how the 5:2 diet doesn't require you to give up dessert and how that's better for me, given "how I'm wired." And here I am again, questioning.
ALL ABOARD THE CRAZY TRAIN!!!
On one hand, there are several people whose intelligence and experience I really respect that advocate moderation. They say you aren't really at ease and therefore haven't really solved your problem until you can be moderate around sugar and other indulgent foods. This makes sense to me.
Add to this the fact that I've never succeeded at abstinence for more than a few weeks at a time, and that involved much white knuckling, and there was usually crazed consumption of sugar afterwards that undid any good that was achieved.
Add to this my past experience with OA, which preaches sugar abstinence. I didn't see many success stories in those church basements. There were a few abstinent people, and they seemed batshit crazy with OA-speak...and the rest had been struggling for years but kept coming back to the meetings, believing it to be their only hope.
And then there are my stints in "treat legalization", which I have found really does decrease my desire for sweets. (ETA: It decreases my desire for the specific treats I legalize. I wouldn't say it decreases my desire in general.) And mindful eating has shown me that I can be satisfied with less of something at a sitting: a smaller slice of cake, fewer cookies, whatever. So I have experienced other modes of eating treats that give me some hope.
Taken together, that's a lot in favor of moderation.
But then there's the reality that I'm so often NOT moderate. I overdo it, over and over again, and I'm hurting my health. My bloodwork and the way I feel day-to-day is proof enough of that.
And so often, my thought while buying and eating crappy foods is "I hate this. I'm sick of this." I'm not even enjoying it, or paying attention to the food...because all I'm after is the high, anyway, and half the crap I buy disappoints when it comes to flavor. So yeah, I *know* how to eat mindfully, sure, but I usually don't do it, because eating mindfully interferes with the pursuit of a drugged state...which is what I'm after 90% of the time I eat sweets. Even now, even though I no longer binge like before. I'm still after that altered state.
Lastly, I've been studying the dharma for a year and half now, and it has helped my life in various ways. Many Buddhists would advocate giving up anything that makes you suffer--sense pleasures, relationships, pursuit of status or fame...really anything you grasp at desperately that leads to repetitive suffering. For me, sweets surely fall into that category. I suffer because of them, in a way that many other people don't. And so often I think my life would be happier and more peaceful if I could let go of them completely and be free of the suffering they cause.
So taken together, that's a lot in favor of abstinence.
Conclusion: I need help to get out of this confusing abyss I've been in for too long.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Lost. And fat.
On Friday, March 1st, my baby turned 8 weeks old. I weighed in at 260 that day.
So I've gained some weight, obviously. My sister stayed with me during a good chunk of February to help me with the baby. I loved having her here! She's five months pregnant, though, and we indulged in pretty much anything we felt like. Now she's gone, I feel more overwhelmed with childcare, and I'm fatter than before.
I feel totally lost at sea right now in terms of weight loss and behavioral change. I'm a terribly inconsistent person; I lack follow-through. I come up with an idea, a goal, a plan, and I fail to follow through the next day. Sometimes the same day! I can't really blame this on having an infant to care for because I've always been this way; however, having an infant does not make this any easier.
My mind slips into all-or-nothing thinking more than I care to admit. I catch myself faster than I used to and can adjust the tone of my thoughts better than before...so that's something. But even when I tell myself to simply pick ONE area to work on, ONE habit to change, I freak out and can't pick one. Or stick with one. That daily vegetable I mentioned in my last post? Never happened.
I so want to be a good example to my girl. I so want to spend this year at home not only bonding with her, but getting healthier month by month. And more at ease in my skin! It used to be that photographs were taken of me infrequently enough that I could internally wince when I saw the reality of my body size in pictures, but pretty much let it go, bury my head in the sand, and carry on unaffected. It's a different story now. You know how picture crazy new parents go, right? And aunts and uncles and everyone else? I have ended up in more pictures during the last 2 months--me holding the baby in all sorts of positions and angles--than in the past two years combined. I've seen enough of myself that I just can't ignore how bad I look anymore. I've reached that point where no nice/dressy clothes look good on me; every human body has a threshold past which clever layering, shapewear, and all the other tricks in the book can't really hide the truth anymore. I've been there for some time, wearing baggy and practically unisex clothes so I don't have to deal with it. But if I'm being honest, I long to wear lovely clothes that boost my confidence and celebrate the fact that I'm alive.
My mom didn't help me with clothes, bra shopping, makeup, any of that stuff. Much of that was her own narcissism, but some of it (I have come to realize) was her own incompetence and lack of ease in this area. I want to help my own daughter, but I won't be able to if I haven't figured it out for myself first. The same could be said of cooking and healthy eating, of exercising, of so many things.
It feels good to write, even if it's all over the place and mostly a testament to me being lost and going in circles.
So I've gained some weight, obviously. My sister stayed with me during a good chunk of February to help me with the baby. I loved having her here! She's five months pregnant, though, and we indulged in pretty much anything we felt like. Now she's gone, I feel more overwhelmed with childcare, and I'm fatter than before.
I feel totally lost at sea right now in terms of weight loss and behavioral change. I'm a terribly inconsistent person; I lack follow-through. I come up with an idea, a goal, a plan, and I fail to follow through the next day. Sometimes the same day! I can't really blame this on having an infant to care for because I've always been this way; however, having an infant does not make this any easier.
My mind slips into all-or-nothing thinking more than I care to admit. I catch myself faster than I used to and can adjust the tone of my thoughts better than before...so that's something. But even when I tell myself to simply pick ONE area to work on, ONE habit to change, I freak out and can't pick one. Or stick with one. That daily vegetable I mentioned in my last post? Never happened.
I so want to be a good example to my girl. I so want to spend this year at home not only bonding with her, but getting healthier month by month. And more at ease in my skin! It used to be that photographs were taken of me infrequently enough that I could internally wince when I saw the reality of my body size in pictures, but pretty much let it go, bury my head in the sand, and carry on unaffected. It's a different story now. You know how picture crazy new parents go, right? And aunts and uncles and everyone else? I have ended up in more pictures during the last 2 months--me holding the baby in all sorts of positions and angles--than in the past two years combined. I've seen enough of myself that I just can't ignore how bad I look anymore. I've reached that point where no nice/dressy clothes look good on me; every human body has a threshold past which clever layering, shapewear, and all the other tricks in the book can't really hide the truth anymore. I've been there for some time, wearing baggy and practically unisex clothes so I don't have to deal with it. But if I'm being honest, I long to wear lovely clothes that boost my confidence and celebrate the fact that I'm alive.
My mom didn't help me with clothes, bra shopping, makeup, any of that stuff. Much of that was her own narcissism, but some of it (I have come to realize) was her own incompetence and lack of ease in this area. I want to help my own daughter, but I won't be able to if I haven't figured it out for myself first. The same could be said of cooking and healthy eating, of exercising, of so many things.
It feels good to write, even if it's all over the place and mostly a testament to me being lost and going in circles.
Monday, December 10, 2012
More on legalizing junk food
Right after I wrote my last post about legalizing junk food, I discovered I had even more junk in the house than I had listed; I had forgotten about several items. There were other cookies and a jar of chocolate-almond spread that had slipped my mind, and most of a cranberry-orange cake in the freezer that I didn't realize we had until my husband threw it in the yard for the birds yesterday. It was several weeks old and neither one of us were interested in finishing it.
To have these things in the house and completely and utterly forget about them is new and amusing to me. I typically know EXACTLY what I have, EXACTLY how much is left, and EXACTLY how badly I want to devour it all the moment I have a bit of privacy to do so. I even forgot about a pint of Limited Edition Ben & Jerry's this week, and that speaks louder than me forgetting about cranberry-orange cake, believe me. I opened my freezer and there it was in the door and I was all "Hey! Forgot this was in here!"
To have these things in the house and completely and utterly forget about them is new and amusing to me. I typically know EXACTLY what I have, EXACTLY how much is left, and EXACTLY how badly I want to devour it all the moment I have a bit of privacy to do so. I even forgot about a pint of Limited Edition Ben & Jerry's this week, and that speaks louder than me forgetting about cranberry-orange cake, believe me. I opened my freezer and there it was in the door and I was all "Hey! Forgot this was in here!"
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Unhappy and Overwhelmed
I'm already off the makeup kick and more focused on nesting, so I'll pick up my discussion of makeup, clothes, and everything else at a different time.
I've been in a really negative headspace for the past few days. I'm frustrated with myself. No matter what I do in a given day, I feel like it's not enough. That internal critical voice has been so loud lately that yesterday it felt like a separate person and I talked back to it: "yeah? What do YOU do besides sit around and criticize?" Definitely a slight case of the crazies.
I have so many problems besides food and weight. So many. I don't think or talk about my depression all that much, but it's still there and very much impacting my life. It's under better control than it used to be, and I've found exercise and meditation to be more effective (at this time) than meds and talk therapy, so I have a plan of action. But in SO many areas of my life, I desire a total overhaul in my habitual thoughts and behaviors. When I think about the baby arriving and changing my life in ways I can't fathom, I get anxious. How am I going to hold everything together? How am I going to make much-needed changes when I have no time to myself? Personal progress is abysmally slow NOW, when I have all the time I could ask for, so what does that tell me about my future?
This blog hasn't been incredibly focused so far, but it has been about eating disorder recovery, weight loss, etc. more than anything else. That's going to change. I want to feel free to talk about anything that I'm struggling with, regardless of whether other people can relate or they find my problems ridiculous. I may as well be honest and say I blog for myself first and foremost--I do it because it helps me process my thoughts and feel better--and if my writing helps anyone else on some level, that's great, but not something I feel is my responsibility or primary goal. In other words, I'm not here to provide an "expert voice" of any kind. It's just me, figuring out what I want and how to get it. And if I put it all out there, all the worries and dreams and hopes and efforts and failures and experiments and projects, it's going to be messy.
I'm ok with that. I'm unhappy right now, and feeling overwhelmed, but at least I can accept the mess.
I've been in a really negative headspace for the past few days. I'm frustrated with myself. No matter what I do in a given day, I feel like it's not enough. That internal critical voice has been so loud lately that yesterday it felt like a separate person and I talked back to it: "yeah? What do YOU do besides sit around and criticize?" Definitely a slight case of the crazies.
I have so many problems besides food and weight. So many. I don't think or talk about my depression all that much, but it's still there and very much impacting my life. It's under better control than it used to be, and I've found exercise and meditation to be more effective (at this time) than meds and talk therapy, so I have a plan of action. But in SO many areas of my life, I desire a total overhaul in my habitual thoughts and behaviors. When I think about the baby arriving and changing my life in ways I can't fathom, I get anxious. How am I going to hold everything together? How am I going to make much-needed changes when I have no time to myself? Personal progress is abysmally slow NOW, when I have all the time I could ask for, so what does that tell me about my future?
This blog hasn't been incredibly focused so far, but it has been about eating disorder recovery, weight loss, etc. more than anything else. That's going to change. I want to feel free to talk about anything that I'm struggling with, regardless of whether other people can relate or they find my problems ridiculous. I may as well be honest and say I blog for myself first and foremost--I do it because it helps me process my thoughts and feel better--and if my writing helps anyone else on some level, that's great, but not something I feel is my responsibility or primary goal. In other words, I'm not here to provide an "expert voice" of any kind. It's just me, figuring out what I want and how to get it. And if I put it all out there, all the worries and dreams and hopes and efforts and failures and experiments and projects, it's going to be messy.
I'm ok with that. I'm unhappy right now, and feeling overwhelmed, but at least I can accept the mess.
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