For many of us, the people that bring us into the world are not the same people that enable us to live our best lives. Too often, in fact, the people that birthed and raised us through childhood become an obstacle to our health and personal fulfillment in one form or another.
When we realize this, we feel guilty and conflicted. And alone.
We could instead rejoice at the fact that life has supplied us with several different parents, all the parents we need, if we would only see it. More good news: we don't have to fully reject our original parents in order to receive the parenting of others, either.
There are parents out there for every stage of our lives, every area of personal challenge. There is someone to guide us and love us through it all by way of regular face-to-face interaction, or through words, or through example. We may never even meet some of them in person. A dead author can be a parent if they speak directly to your problem and directly to your heart. You can feel their benevolence through their message and know they would have loved you and the thing you are trying to accomplish. That can be enough to sustain a person.
The corollary to this is that any of us can be parents, regardless of our biological activities. You can be a parent without even knowing it. You can help someone walk part of the road between the cradle and the grave, supporting them when they need it most, raising them up when they fall--and when you do this, you are raising them, period.
***
I'm excited to be a mother, yet I know I cannot personally supply everything that another human will need throughout their entire life. I want my daughter to know that she can have all kinds of parents, guilt-free, as she walks through life; that if anything, I never want her to feel alone and unsupported.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
Self-compassion
It hit me a day or two ago that I have virtually no self-compassion.
I'm never saying to myself, "Rach, you're doing ok. You're trying to deal with depression, an eating disorder, and some other personal problems and you've come part of the way already. You're trying to prepare for a new, challenging role--that of mother--as best as you can. You are attempting to build a career, maintain a house, nurture a marriage, nurture other relationships, keep up with errands, and have a spiritual life. And that's not even the full list. You're doing all of this simultaneously and I know how much you care and how much you expect of yourself. Just keep going!"
That's not the internal dialogue I have, but I'd like to move more in that direction, because constant (and I mean CONSTANT!!!) self-criticism isn't helping.
I'm not sure how to build more self-compassion: talk to myself Stuart Smalley-style in the mirror every morning? Read "Self-Compassion" by Kristen Neff or "The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion" by Christopher Germer to get some ideas? I've been eyeing both books for a bit now. Hmm.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Always dropping the ball
It seems that in a given day, I'm always dropping the ball in one important area or another.
If I eat right, exercise, and meditate, it seems to take up most of my attention. I'll drop the ball on errands, housework, and/or career-building activities.
If I run a bunch of errands and clean and so forth, it saps my energy and I find my eating to be sloppy and my likelihood of exercise to be low.
Lots of days it's some mix: I exercise but my eating is chaotic. I run errands and eat ok but am sedentary most of the day and let the house go. I work on career-related writing but ignore everything else and binge to cope with the anxiety I feel.
I don't expect my performance in all areas of life to be perfect every day, but I've lived this disjointed, unsatisfactory way for years now. I've tried all sorts of things to break out of these patterns, and still don't have an answer. Ultimately, I feel like I'm treading water and getting nowhere: I prevent emergencies and put out fires when they do arise, but I don't feel in control of myself and my life. I don't feel capable of reaching important, ambitious goals anymore. I'm so scattered and dissatisfied with myself.
Lately, and by that I mean the last couple of weeks, the only thing I've been consistent about almost every day is taking a walk. This prevents the kind of guilt I felt throughout most of my second trimester about not exercising (at all, pretty much). Maybe I can build from here.
When it comes to this scattered rut I've been in for years, I know that there's something to my thinking that's tripping me up, over and over again, and I'm trying to get to the bottom of it. Something to do with lack of clarity about priorities, perfectionism, discomfort avoidance (i.e. going after "low hanging fruit" a lot of the time), and not being able to focus on one task at a time but instead ruminating about what's not getting done WHILE I'm getting something else done. Four years of weekly therapy sessions did not help me with this--did not even directly help me identify all this--and all I can do today is admit where I'm at and vow to keep untangling this mess.
If I eat right, exercise, and meditate, it seems to take up most of my attention. I'll drop the ball on errands, housework, and/or career-building activities.
If I run a bunch of errands and clean and so forth, it saps my energy and I find my eating to be sloppy and my likelihood of exercise to be low.
Lots of days it's some mix: I exercise but my eating is chaotic. I run errands and eat ok but am sedentary most of the day and let the house go. I work on career-related writing but ignore everything else and binge to cope with the anxiety I feel.
I don't expect my performance in all areas of life to be perfect every day, but I've lived this disjointed, unsatisfactory way for years now. I've tried all sorts of things to break out of these patterns, and still don't have an answer. Ultimately, I feel like I'm treading water and getting nowhere: I prevent emergencies and put out fires when they do arise, but I don't feel in control of myself and my life. I don't feel capable of reaching important, ambitious goals anymore. I'm so scattered and dissatisfied with myself.
Lately, and by that I mean the last couple of weeks, the only thing I've been consistent about almost every day is taking a walk. This prevents the kind of guilt I felt throughout most of my second trimester about not exercising (at all, pretty much). Maybe I can build from here.
When it comes to this scattered rut I've been in for years, I know that there's something to my thinking that's tripping me up, over and over again, and I'm trying to get to the bottom of it. Something to do with lack of clarity about priorities, perfectionism, discomfort avoidance (i.e. going after "low hanging fruit" a lot of the time), and not being able to focus on one task at a time but instead ruminating about what's not getting done WHILE I'm getting something else done. Four years of weekly therapy sessions did not help me with this--did not even directly help me identify all this--and all I can do today is admit where I'm at and vow to keep untangling this mess.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Unhappy and Overwhelmed
I'm already off the makeup kick and more focused on nesting, so I'll pick up my discussion of makeup, clothes, and everything else at a different time.
I've been in a really negative headspace for the past few days. I'm frustrated with myself. No matter what I do in a given day, I feel like it's not enough. That internal critical voice has been so loud lately that yesterday it felt like a separate person and I talked back to it: "yeah? What do YOU do besides sit around and criticize?" Definitely a slight case of the crazies.
I have so many problems besides food and weight. So many. I don't think or talk about my depression all that much, but it's still there and very much impacting my life. It's under better control than it used to be, and I've found exercise and meditation to be more effective (at this time) than meds and talk therapy, so I have a plan of action. But in SO many areas of my life, I desire a total overhaul in my habitual thoughts and behaviors. When I think about the baby arriving and changing my life in ways I can't fathom, I get anxious. How am I going to hold everything together? How am I going to make much-needed changes when I have no time to myself? Personal progress is abysmally slow NOW, when I have all the time I could ask for, so what does that tell me about my future?
This blog hasn't been incredibly focused so far, but it has been about eating disorder recovery, weight loss, etc. more than anything else. That's going to change. I want to feel free to talk about anything that I'm struggling with, regardless of whether other people can relate or they find my problems ridiculous. I may as well be honest and say I blog for myself first and foremost--I do it because it helps me process my thoughts and feel better--and if my writing helps anyone else on some level, that's great, but not something I feel is my responsibility or primary goal. In other words, I'm not here to provide an "expert voice" of any kind. It's just me, figuring out what I want and how to get it. And if I put it all out there, all the worries and dreams and hopes and efforts and failures and experiments and projects, it's going to be messy.
I'm ok with that. I'm unhappy right now, and feeling overwhelmed, but at least I can accept the mess.
I've been in a really negative headspace for the past few days. I'm frustrated with myself. No matter what I do in a given day, I feel like it's not enough. That internal critical voice has been so loud lately that yesterday it felt like a separate person and I talked back to it: "yeah? What do YOU do besides sit around and criticize?" Definitely a slight case of the crazies.
I have so many problems besides food and weight. So many. I don't think or talk about my depression all that much, but it's still there and very much impacting my life. It's under better control than it used to be, and I've found exercise and meditation to be more effective (at this time) than meds and talk therapy, so I have a plan of action. But in SO many areas of my life, I desire a total overhaul in my habitual thoughts and behaviors. When I think about the baby arriving and changing my life in ways I can't fathom, I get anxious. How am I going to hold everything together? How am I going to make much-needed changes when I have no time to myself? Personal progress is abysmally slow NOW, when I have all the time I could ask for, so what does that tell me about my future?
This blog hasn't been incredibly focused so far, but it has been about eating disorder recovery, weight loss, etc. more than anything else. That's going to change. I want to feel free to talk about anything that I'm struggling with, regardless of whether other people can relate or they find my problems ridiculous. I may as well be honest and say I blog for myself first and foremost--I do it because it helps me process my thoughts and feel better--and if my writing helps anyone else on some level, that's great, but not something I feel is my responsibility or primary goal. In other words, I'm not here to provide an "expert voice" of any kind. It's just me, figuring out what I want and how to get it. And if I put it all out there, all the worries and dreams and hopes and efforts and failures and experiments and projects, it's going to be messy.
I'm ok with that. I'm unhappy right now, and feeling overwhelmed, but at least I can accept the mess.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Having a girl, and doing girly things!
I'm 24 weeks along, and we found out about a month ago that we are having a little girl! I thought--or perhaps hoped--we were having a boy; my relationship with my mother is problematic and on some level I thought a boy would be "easier." I'm happy to say that excitement over a girl quickly grew and my husband and I are both happy and eager to meet her. We've chosen a name and I look forward to starting on her nursery in mid-October.
We are travelling out of state in early October to attend the baby shower my family is throwing for us, so I'm trying to choose an outfit for the occasion. Plus-size maternity shopping is not an easy task, I can assure you! I just bought two pairs of maternity jeans from Destination Maternity and I have a couple of maternity tops from Target in XXL, their largest size, that I typically wear with cardigans. I also have a couple of casual cotton empire waist dresses. That's pretty much it. Hope that can see me through to December! I'm mostly at home, so that helps.
Perhaps because my clothing options are so limited, or perhaps because I know I need something to boost my confidence while I get larger (I'm now just over 250 pounds again and I think the number will only climb from here...hopefully slowly), my attention has turned to makeup and hair. It's been a long time since I've bought anything or put any effort forth in that area. For so long, I've felt ugly and undeserving of it. I have a bunch of baggage and history pertaining to hair/makeup/body image/beauty/identity that I will maybe unpack in future blog posts. For now, let me simply state that I want to get over my hangups and "work what I've got", and I want to teach my daughter to do the same. I know firsthand how damaging it is to have a mother that models self-hatred and body/appearance-related insecurity to her daughters.
So, I've allowed myself to make a bunch of purchases recently. First, I bought something I've always wanted: a vanity table and stool. I've lusted for over 4 years after a particular mirrored vanity set from Pier 1 that costs over $500. I kept holding out for it, imagining how great it would look in my bedroom. Well, in the end, I decided that I'd rather use some of that money on quality cosmetics, which I've never owned. I've always used cheap drugstore makeup. So I went ahead and ordered a basic set from Target (the Avington vanity in black plus a matching stool, for about $250) and I'm quite pleased with it. I set it up in front of my bedroom window and can finally apply makeup in natural light once again. I had been leaning uncomfortably over my bathroom sink or standing in my dingy closet in front of the full length mirror until now.
I've never had a nicer setup or felt so relaxed putting on my makeup.
Because the mirror is too far away from my face when I'm seated normally, and because I needed something that would allow me to apply makeup at night, I also bought a lighted stand mirror from Conair for $60 to place on top of the table. One side has 10X magnification and the other side is normal, and it plugs in so I don't have to mess with batteries.
I purchased a cheap, flat, plastic handheld mirror for viewing the back of my head, a new hairdryer (old one stopped working), and a set of large hot rollers for creating volume in my flat-at-the-roots hair. The rollers were probably a mistake because I can't roll all of my hair with the set, so I will probably return it and buy a bigger set. In addition, I purchased some new makeup, but none of the premium brand stuff yet. I'm still researching all of that. I suspect I need higher quality foundation, powder, concealer, eye shadow, eye pencil, and primers, but can get away with drugstore lipcolor, mascara, and nail polish. There are SO many products out there and so many reviews to sort through that I find it a bit overwhelming, but I will gradually figure out what works for me and how to apply it.
I'll review my current makeup stash in the next post and I welcome makeup advice and recommendations from anyone out there that knows what they are talking about!
We are travelling out of state in early October to attend the baby shower my family is throwing for us, so I'm trying to choose an outfit for the occasion. Plus-size maternity shopping is not an easy task, I can assure you! I just bought two pairs of maternity jeans from Destination Maternity and I have a couple of maternity tops from Target in XXL, their largest size, that I typically wear with cardigans. I also have a couple of casual cotton empire waist dresses. That's pretty much it. Hope that can see me through to December! I'm mostly at home, so that helps.
Perhaps because my clothing options are so limited, or perhaps because I know I need something to boost my confidence while I get larger (I'm now just over 250 pounds again and I think the number will only climb from here...hopefully slowly), my attention has turned to makeup and hair. It's been a long time since I've bought anything or put any effort forth in that area. For so long, I've felt ugly and undeserving of it. I have a bunch of baggage and history pertaining to hair/makeup/body image/beauty/identity that I will maybe unpack in future blog posts. For now, let me simply state that I want to get over my hangups and "work what I've got", and I want to teach my daughter to do the same. I know firsthand how damaging it is to have a mother that models self-hatred and body/appearance-related insecurity to her daughters.
So, I've allowed myself to make a bunch of purchases recently. First, I bought something I've always wanted: a vanity table and stool. I've lusted for over 4 years after a particular mirrored vanity set from Pier 1 that costs over $500. I kept holding out for it, imagining how great it would look in my bedroom. Well, in the end, I decided that I'd rather use some of that money on quality cosmetics, which I've never owned. I've always used cheap drugstore makeup. So I went ahead and ordered a basic set from Target (the Avington vanity in black plus a matching stool, for about $250) and I'm quite pleased with it. I set it up in front of my bedroom window and can finally apply makeup in natural light once again. I had been leaning uncomfortably over my bathroom sink or standing in my dingy closet in front of the full length mirror until now.
I've never had a nicer setup or felt so relaxed putting on my makeup.
I purchased a cheap, flat, plastic handheld mirror for viewing the back of my head, a new hairdryer (old one stopped working), and a set of large hot rollers for creating volume in my flat-at-the-roots hair. The rollers were probably a mistake because I can't roll all of my hair with the set, so I will probably return it and buy a bigger set. In addition, I purchased some new makeup, but none of the premium brand stuff yet. I'm still researching all of that. I suspect I need higher quality foundation, powder, concealer, eye shadow, eye pencil, and primers, but can get away with drugstore lipcolor, mascara, and nail polish. There are SO many products out there and so many reviews to sort through that I find it a bit overwhelming, but I will gradually figure out what works for me and how to apply it.
I'll review my current makeup stash in the next post and I welcome makeup advice and recommendations from anyone out there that knows what they are talking about!
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