Eating poorly and thinking about Patrice O'Neal

The usual pattern for me is for my eating to get worse as the day progresses. If something is stressing me out, I make even worse choices.

Today I had a bagel with spinach, turkey, cheese, and mayo as my first meal. Drank a glass of milk with it. Then a turkey wrap at a restaurant. As a writing deadline approached this evening, I went off the rails (as is typical under stress). I ate a Green & Black's peanut and sea salt chocolate bar, followed by an almond and coconut Kind bar. Met my deadline, then ate a bowl of 15 bean soup and the second Green & Blacks bar I had purchased: milk chocolate toffee. (These bars are huge; looking at the wrapper of the toffee one now, after the fact, I see that it contained 525 calories and 55 grams of sugar.)

I was midway through that second chocolate bar, and browsing online, when I read that Patrice O'Neal had died. This is a comic I respect and had recently watched and enjoyed, dead at 41 from a stroke related to diabetes complications--or so the news outlets are currently reporting.

You know what's scary? O'Neal talked about the fact that he needed to lose weight to stay alive, and even that knowledge wasn't enough to motivate him. And I continued to eat and finish a chocolate candy bar--my second one of the evening--while reading about his diabetes, stroke, and premature death.

Food addiction is scary, serious shit.