Tuesday, June 18, 2013

The ice cream people are relentless

I have come to hate how Ben & Jerry's is constantly rolling out new flavors and Limited Edition crap.  If I didn't have issues, I wouldn't hate it.  I wouldn't even be AWARE of it.  But I'm hyperaware of it and staying out of the ice cream aisle is the only way to reduce that awareness.

If I keep visiting the ice cream aisle, one of these days I'm going to see Ben & Jerry's vanilla hey remember that time in sixth grade when your friend Chris's mom brought frosted brownies with dinosaur sprinkles to a school event and it was the best fucking brownies you'd ever tasted? Well, those brownies are in this carton chunk ice cream.  I swear it.

I almost bought a pint of Brownie Chew Gooder the other day.  It has brownie chunks and a caramel swirl in vanilla ice cream.  Then I asked myself WHY?  You've had vanilla ice cream, you've had caramel, you've had brownies, what is the big damn deal?  I'm glad I walked away.

Really, I see new products all the time that make me go "oooooh!"  But if I take a second to think about it, it's never any flavor profile or ingredient that I've never had.  It's s'mores in pop-tart form, or red velvet cake in ice cream form, or salted caramels in a cookie form, etc etc etc.  It never stops.  It's never gonna stop.  Therefore, I have to stop myself from falling for the relentless bullshit that marketers dream up.

Like I said, it's my issues.  I wish this ridiculous struggle didn't occupy so much of my energy and time.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Headaches, a screaming baby, and a sabotaging husband?

Yesterday was a reduced calorie day--my new term for those two days a week I greatly slash calories on my modified version of the 5:2 diet.

I'm still tweaking it into something that works for me.  Between 1 p.m. and 8 p.m. I ate two bananas, a cup of blueberries, and two meals of salmon and asparagus.  But my head started hurting around 6 p.m. and just got worse and worse with each passing hour.

Though fully aware that it was my "diet day", my husband ordered pizza, and then asked if I wanted to go out for cupcakes.  I said no.  So he proposed ice cream.  What the fuck, right?

I went to bed fairly grumpy at 10 p.m. and told myself I'd feel better in the morning.  Then the baby, who normally sleeps peacefully from 9 or 10 p.m. until about 8 in the morning, woke up SCREAMING and could not be comforted.  I could not figure out what was wrong, but I got her back to sleep after about 20 minutes.  An hour later it happened again!  Crying worse than before, and we could not get her to calm down.  We were actually a bit scared and I texted my mom, who's a nurse (and a mother of five).  We never did figure it out, but she eventually wore herself out and slept again.

That second time did me in.  I was on hour 6 of that damn headache and stressed and I went for the pizza.  Three slices of cheese pizza, a hot cocoa, and two Excedrin later, I felt physically better, albeit disappointed in blowing my plan at midnight, just as the day was coming to a close.

I don't think I drank enough water yesterday, simply because I wasn't tracking it.  And I waited until too late in the day to eat my first meal of fish and vegetables. Hence the headache.  Furthermore, I should have asked my husband to wait on the pizza and let him know that his ice cream and cupcake proposals were really bothering me.

I'd say he is sabotaging me, only...doesn't that usually start to happen once someone is visibly LOSING weight?  I'm not even there yet!  Seems too early for that sort of thing.  I think it's more an issue of him not taking my diet seriously, because he's never seen me embark on one in a serious, prolonged fashion.  Maybe he's testing me.  Whatever it is, I don't appreciate it.

While eating breakfast this morning, I realized I wasn't actually hungry and didn't need to be eating yet. I was still reacting to the night before.  That's one good thing about this 5:2 plan; it helps you see more clearly when you are overdoing it and eating for reasons other than hunger.  I don't always stop, but my awareness has been improved, and that's a start.

I'm doing another reduced day on Friday, and between smarter timing of meals, more water, and more assertiveness towards my husband, I hope I can avoid a headache and feel more resilient in the face of midnight baby screams or whatever else life has in store for me!

Monday, June 10, 2013

Gretchen Rubin on Abstinence versus Moderation

I googled "abstinence versus moderation" and this popped up:


So many opinions out there, as the comment section shows.  I guess a person has to figure out what will work for THEM.  How can I not know by now?

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Sick of it

My in-laws are here again this week and I've fallen into old ways yet another time: using sugar as a drug to cope with stress, anxiety, anger, resentment.  I don't need to go into details about how much I hate their visits and why, because the real issue that is plaguing me is my inability to deal with unpleasantness without numbing myself via unhealthy and excessive food.

I no longer meet the diagnostic criteria for binge eating disorder, but I feel despair over my continued emotional eating and overeating (and of course, my weight).  And there are so many habits and behaviors that go into this that I hate.  I hate that I still feel a pull to buy whatever Limited Edition bullshit that is being rolled out each week by the Oreo people, the Ben & Jerry's people, or the Haagen Dazs bastards.  I hate that I'll go weeks without McDonald's and then fall into again, because that stuff is utter trash and when the smiling worker at the drive-thru window hands me my bag, I often sarcastically think "assisted suicide, hooray!"

I hate that today, I went to the supermarket to buy a stash of cheap candy bars to keep in my closet to get me through the rest of the in-law visit--an old bingey behavior and the exact same thing as your average pothead squirreling away his or her stash--and that I bought my 5 month-old organic pureed baby food in the same visit.  I felt utterly ridiculous unloading my cart onto the conveyor belt at checkout.  And I felt like a horrible mother.  I'm looking at my beautiful baby girl in her carseat and she's wearing a onesie that says "mommy loves me", and mommy can't get herself under control enough to ensure that she won't die of a heart attack in the next 10 years and leave her child without a mother.  I feel very much like an addict.

I am an addict, basically.


I think I need drugs.  I know that's funny, given the statement I just made.  But the bottle of Percocet I brought home from the hospital after my C-section has given me some perspective.

A little over five months ago, I came home with a dozen Percocet.  And I LOVE how they made me feel--they chill you out, block all pain, and make you feel like your limbs are turning into liquid gold.  Because I only had 12 pills and knew I wouldn't be able to get a refill, I typically only used them on nights when physical pain (usually a terrible headache) coincided with extreme emotional pain and severe anxiety.  And they wiped ALL the pain away, physical and mental/emotional.  More than once after taking them I thought, "if I had access to these all the time, I'd have no need to abuse food.  I'd be downright skinny."

I'm not saying that abusing prescription drugs is any better than abusing food, or that I ACTUALLY WANT to trade one addiction for another.  (I took my last remaining Percocet yesterday, incidentally.)  What I'm really trying to say is that Percocet showed me the effect I've been trying to achieve with food, for years and years: relaxed, mildly good-humored, free of pain.  And it showed me that food doesn't do as good a job creating this state as drugs designed for this very purpose do.  No surprise there!

I've been trying to drug myself with food for a long time, when perhaps what I really need is ACTUAL DRUGS.  Appropriate drugs prescribed by a psychiatrist that can help me with the mental states that keep knocking me off my feet.  A few years ago, I took Prozac for a few months, but stopped when it became clear that I'd have to up the dose to continue reaping the benefits of the drug.  At the time, that didn't sound good to me, and furthermore, I was starting to get interested in having a baby and didn't want antidepressants in my system.  But I have to admit that I'm not making progress by drugging myself with sugar and that my current drug of choice has horrible side effects too (can you call "keeping oneself on the brink of diabetes at all times" a side effect?).  I have to admit that my meditation practice has helped, but it's not enough at this point.

The understanding that I'm drugging myself with food and sugar has always been there, but a willingness replace this with actual prescription drugs instead hasn't.  Until now. The hunt for a good psychiatrist is on.


Maybe a psychiatrist can help me sort out the question of moderation versus abstinence.  That question has spun me around and around, and when it recurs I feel like I've made no progress at all.  I mean, just a post or two ago I spoke about how the  5:2 diet doesn't require you to give up dessert and how that's better for me, given "how I'm wired."  And here I am again, questioning.


On one hand, there are several people whose intelligence and experience I really respect that advocate moderation.  They say you aren't really at ease and therefore haven't really solved your problem until you can be moderate around sugar and other indulgent foods.  This makes sense to me.

Add to this the fact that I've never succeeded at abstinence for more than a few weeks at a time, and that involved much white knuckling, and there was usually crazed consumption of sugar afterwards that undid any good that was achieved.

Add to this my past experience with OA, which preaches sugar abstinence.  I didn't see many success stories in those church basements.  There were a few abstinent people, and they seemed batshit crazy with OA-speak...and the rest had been struggling for years but kept coming back to the meetings, believing it to be their only hope.

And then there are my stints in "treat legalization", which I have found really does decrease my desire for sweets. (ETA: It decreases my desire for the specific treats I legalize.  I wouldn't say it decreases my desire in general.)  And mindful eating has shown me that I can be satisfied with less of something at a sitting: a smaller slice of cake, fewer cookies, whatever. So I have experienced other modes of eating treats that give me some hope.

Taken together, that's a lot in favor of moderation.

But then there's the reality that I'm so often NOT moderate.  I overdo it, over and over again, and I'm hurting my health.  My bloodwork and the way I feel day-to-day is proof enough of that.

And so often, my thought while buying and eating crappy foods is "I hate this.  I'm sick of this."  I'm not even enjoying it, or paying attention to the food...because all I'm after is the high, anyway, and half the crap I buy disappoints when it comes to flavor.  So yeah, I *know* how to eat mindfully, sure, but I usually don't do it, because eating mindfully interferes with the pursuit of a drugged state...which is what I'm after 90% of the time I eat sweets.  Even now, even though I no longer binge like before.  I'm still after that altered state.

Lastly, I've been studying the dharma for a year and half now, and it has helped my life in various ways.   Many Buddhists would advocate giving up anything that makes you suffer--sense pleasures, relationships, pursuit of status or fame...really anything you grasp at desperately that leads to repetitive suffering.  For me, sweets surely fall into that category.  I suffer because of them, in a way that many other people don't.  And so often I think my life would be happier and more peaceful if I could let go of them completely and be free of the suffering they cause.

So taken together, that's a lot in favor of abstinence.

Conclusion: I need help to get out of this confusing abyss I've been in for too long.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

How embarrassing--ALREADY adjusting the 5:2 diet

It took me two full days to recover from Monday's fast.  I felt so bad that I have decided to tweak the plan a bit, and eat two 500-calorie meals on "fast days" instead of one for while.  It will still be good protein and green vegetables, and given my normal daily caloric intake, I do believe that bringing myself down to 1,000 calories/day two days a week will result in a pound or so of fat loss each week.

I simply cannot feel that weak, tired, and lightheaded 4 days each week while taking care of my baby (Monday while fasting, Tuesday while recovering from Monday, Thursday while fasting, and Friday while recovering from Thursday).

Today I've had a salad made with mixed greens, turkey breast cutlets, and carrots and I'm happy to know I will have salmon and asparagus before bed.  And I won't feel awful tomorrow.  Perhaps my body will become adjusted to fewer calories and more hours between meals over the next several months, and then I can do the 5:2 diet as written without it being such a shock to the system.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

My second fast

June 3rd was my second fast. This time, hunger sensations and the psychological desire for food wasn't as bothersome as during the first fast, but I felt weak and more tired than usual throughout the day. By bedtime, my muscles felt sore even though the most physical thing I did all day was go for a short stroll in the park with the baby.

I ate at 5 pm and then continued fasting until 9 am this morning. It's now 10:30 and my body feels a bit better but all I really want to do is go back to sleep. I could use 3-4 hours of solid sleep!!

Before breaking the fast, the scale was down another 2 lbs.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Notes on my first fast

My first fast was Friday, May 31st.

I tried to fast on Thursday the 30th, but I messed up in the morning and simply decided to try again the next day. I didn't have that old desire to wait until Monday to begin (translation: binge Thursday through Sunday night and then start anew on a magical, mystical Monday morning).

The fast went fine. I found it easier to deal with the hunger pangs before eating my one meal than I did after eating. At 4pm I had cottage cheese, broccoli, and salmon. I was hungry a few hours later but made it through the evening by drinking water and staying busy.

I wanted to wait until about 8 a.m. Saturday morning to eat again, but caved at 2 a.m. while up with a fussy baby. So that's something I will have to guard against in the future: emotions and fatigue getting the better of me. Nevertheless, I met the goal of eating only one 500 calorie meal in a 24 hour (and then some) period.

The scale is down 3 pounds as of today, but I'm not taking that too seriously at this very early stage.

My next fast is tomorrow. Mondays and Thursdays are my planned fasting days.

Anyone else out there doing some form of intermittent fasting?

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Starting the 5:2 diet

Most people that have had weight problems for a long time usually say things like "I've tried everything over the years, including Weight Watchers, Atkins, South Beach..."

I can't say that.  I've tried a few things, sure.  I've tried intuitive eating and the no S diet, for example.  But anytime I reviewed the mainstream diets out there and saw restrictive food lists (Atkins, Medifast) or the need to count calories or points or carbs on a daily basis, I knew that I'd never ever stick to it.  Ever.

I was never willing to crash diet for special events, either, which meant I was a fat bridesmaid at my brother's wedding and a fat matron of honor at my sister's wedding.  I don't like looking at photos from those events, but I believe I'd be even fatter than I am today had I rushed to lose weight in an unsustainable manner for the weddings.

All this is to say I'm not a big "diet" person.  I met the diagnostic criteria for binge eating disorder for many years, and I still have problems with bouts of emotional, compulsive eating, so for a long time now my focus has been on dealing with that.

The binge eating problem has gotten much better over the past year or so, but my weight remains stuck.  I've been bouncing around the 250s for quite some time now, and for the last month, I've been right around 262.  I'm not okay with that.  I could easily go from 262 to 272, and then....will I go higher than my all-time high of 275?

So I'm actually going to try a diet!  The 5:2 diet, in which you limit yourself to 500 calories two days a week and eat as you normally do on the other days of the week, appeals to me for a few reasons:

1.  I'm a total Anglophile.  (Kidding, kidding.  I AM an Anglophile but that's not why I'm doing this.)

2. I'm not willing to count calories every day.  5:2 requires me to count calories two days a week and I think I can do that if I keep it simple, using the same on-plan meal for my fasting days for a few weeks and then moving on to a new one, repeating that one for awhile, and so on.

3.  My attempts to give up particular foods, mostly desserts, has always led to disastrous backlash in the past.  It's a psychological issue, and it's not going away.  Better if I simply work with how I'm wired.  I do not have to give up dessert on this plan.

4.  I like how I feel when I give my body a break from food for a reasonable period of time, and regularly go 12-14 hours without food already (that includes sleeping time, though).

5.  In general, I'd rather suffer a bit two days a week than suffer every single day on a very restrictive or burdensome plan.

I just finished my first fast and it went well!  More to come...

Thursday, March 28, 2013

My Pinterest Board for Plus Size Clothes

I joined Pinterest yesterday and thought I'd share it here, in case someone out there has a body similar to mine and just as much trouble finding stuff.  Here's my profile:

You'll find-
  • plus size pants in petite lengths
  • plus size tops, many of them long (I'm long waisted), and dresses
  • wide width shoes.  Typically no heels above 3 inches (besides the occasional platform), and most around 2 or 2.5 inches.  I'm hunting for wide calf boots too.
  • plus size activewear--so hard to find good looking options in this category!
  • plus size accessories and miscellaneous--shapewear, undergarments, tights, belts, etc. 

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

(headless) photos of me

Here I am, trying out a dress from Gwynnie Bee.  Pictures are always a good reality check--especially those taken from the side and back, because I don't see myself clearly from these vantage points in the mirror.

The dress is one size too big, so I sent it back and am waiting for a replacement to come in the proper size.  The cardigan is from Target, the belt is from a different cardigan set, necklace is a cheapie made of wooden beads, and shoes are from Land's End.  I'm considering this outfit for a daytime party I'm attending in about a  month.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Dressing myself

Among the many "shoulds" in my life, there is the notion that I should not read O, The Oprah Magazine when I could be using that time to read Foreign Policy or National Geographic or something. Like all women's magazines, O is filled with beauty ads and spreads that suggest the answer to so many of life's problems is to buy more shit.

But I'll admit it now: I love O anyway.  I have a subscription to O.  I love Martha Beck's articles.  And I also love some of the essays in there.

The most recent issue has a piece by Lauren Slater called "Getting Lighter".  Slater talks about how years of debilitating depression caused her to completely abandon her personal grooming, to the point that she developed a serious infection from dirt working its way under her skin.  While my case of depression and self-neglect has never gotten that serious, I could still relate to her talk of skipped showers, unshaven legs (yes, for months at a time), and sloppy clothes.

Slater makes a decision:

"A psychologist by training and degree, I decided to construct an experiment.  I was a schlump, a frump, due to my depression, which robbed me of the time to spruce up and the motivation as well.  Was it possible, though, that if I spruced up, my mood would follow suit?  What would happen if, during my downtime, my depressed time, I put on makeup?  What would happen if I got some style?  Beauty, after all, is not some trifling effluvium; it's a sought-after state in every culture we know of, this in itself proof of its power."

She hires a beauty consultant, gets a much-needed haircut, and more changes follow from there.  And she finds that, as suspected, changing the way she cares for her appearance changes her internal state as well.  Her work improves, her libido returns, her confidence increases.  And she realizes:

"...entering into beauty did not in any sense diminish me as a woman, an artist, a mother, a wife.  I did not become all preen and polish, with nothing of substance to offer.  I look people in the eye.  I dream I am 12 feet tall."


For so long, I have wanted to improve my appearance.  Weight aside, I have wanted to dress better, figure out hair and makeup, all of that stuff.  A few things have stopped me, but chief among them are irritation and frustration over how much work it seems to be to figure it all out and make an effort every day--that's probably the depression at work, because others find this easy and enjoyable--and a concern that I would get too into my appearance and become vapid.  I'm sorry to say that the most polished women I know are generally not the brightest women I know, and I value intelligence immensely.  (I know, I know, there are lots of women out there that have both things going for them.  Obviously I need to widen my social circle, because I haven't encountered enough of them.)

I would like to value good self-care more than I do.  Furthermore, Stacy London has finally convinced me, via her book The Truth About Style, that there is nothing intelligent about presenting yourself to the world as a slob.  In the end, Slater and London have shown me that I've been theorizing about a false choice--looks vs. smarts.

So, for what feels like the millionth time, I have recently re-started my efforts to learn how to dress myself correctly.  Every time I do this, even when I end up quitting and going back to men's hoodies and ill-fitting jeans, I learn something new that brings me a little bit closer to putting the puzzle together.

This is what I'm working with:  I do have a hard-to-fit body.  I am 5'5" and plus sized, but I have a long waist and shorter legs.  That means I need petite length pants--most women my height can wear regular length--and I need longer shirts.  Maybe even Tall shirts, but I will probably have to get the sleeves hemmed if I start buying those.  Plus-size petite-length pants are not easy to find.  I have yet to find a great pair of jeans.

I carry fat in my lower stomach, so many shirts fall at the most unflattering spot possible.  Shirts need to be long enough to cover my stomach, but not so long that they hit my thighs, because that makes my short legs look downright stumpy.

I have a large bust, and only in the past two years did I figure out that the ONLY kind of bra that works for me is a full coverage bra with underwire support.  No demi cups or whatever for me! I can wear sports bras, of course, but I'm talking about what bras I can wear with regular clothes.  Prior to figuring this out, I wore sports bras all the time, even with regular clothes, leaving the straps visible and me with a case of mono-boob because I didn't know what else to do.

I have wide feet.  Most stores do not carry attractive wide shoes for young women.  It has finally sunk in that I need to order my shoes online 99% of the time.

Actually, most of my clothes shopping is done online too.  That's where most of the good plus-sized clothes are to be found.  I have a few Lane Bryants near me, but I am less than impressed with them.  Bless them for their bras, though.  Those are the bras that finally worked for me; a small miracle.

Then there is the question of finding items THAT I GENUINELY LIKE that takes all of the above into account.  This is the hardest part and the reason that for most of my life, I just bought anything that fit me, whether I liked it or not.  Because of desperation and lack of choice.  This situation is getting a little better as the plus size market expands, but it's still a challenge.

A separate question from "what do I like?" is "what looks good on me?"  I think I need some third party input on this, and I'm still trying to figure out how to get that.  I'm thinking about paying for consults with a stylist and makeup artist. (I need help in that area, too.)  I've never visited a makeup counter because it intimidates me and I don't want to feel pressured into buying specific products.

I took one tiny step towards change by signing up for something called Gwynnie Bee, after seeing it mentioned repeatedly on Skinny Emmie's blog.  I'm glad I did for three reasons.  It helped me figure out why so many shirts look horrible on me (The long waisted issue.  Somehow, before this, I understood I needed petite length pants but did not understand that I was correspondingly long waisted).  It made me realize that I consistently overestimate my size, which is why I often end up with things that are too big for me.  And that, in turn, caused me to go to a tailor to have measurements taken by someone besides myself for the first time ever.

I really like Gwynnie Bee.  They have excellent customer service.  Because I'm at home all the time with the baby for now, I may discontinue my membership soon and then pick it up again later when I'm working or just out of the house more.  For now, though, it's an educational experience getting these clothes in the mail, trying them on, and sending them back!

More on dressing myself in future posts. :)  Advice is always welcomed!

10 pounds of impatience and desperation

I haven't looked at my blog in weeks, and just read over the last 2 posts.

I find it interesting that on February 1st I was complaining about being sick of seeing 250 on the scale, and talking about how I'd love to lose 20 pounds for an upcoming event.  Some of those old desperate feelings were present.

A month later, on March 3rd, I'm weighing in at 260!  Ten pounds up in a month!  How bout that?

My weight does fluctuate quite a bit.  When I report 250, it really means that I'm fluctuating between 250 and 255; when I say 260, I'm somewhere between 255 and 260.  So it might not have been a true ten pound gain between February and March, but it's probably a solid 5-7 pound gain.  And shitty feelings have much to do with it.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Lost. And fat.

On Friday, March 1st, my baby turned 8 weeks old.  I weighed in at 260 that day.

So I've gained some weight, obviously. My sister stayed with me during a good chunk of February to help me with the baby. I loved having her here!  She's five months pregnant, though, and we indulged in pretty much anything we felt like.  Now she's gone, I feel more overwhelmed with childcare, and I'm fatter than before.

I feel totally lost at sea right now in terms of weight loss and behavioral change.  I'm a terribly inconsistent person; I lack follow-through.  I come up with an idea, a goal, a plan, and I fail to follow through the next day.  Sometimes the same day!  I can't really blame this on having an infant to care for because I've always been this way; however, having an infant does not make this any easier.

My mind slips into all-or-nothing thinking more than I care to admit.  I catch myself faster than I used to and can adjust the tone of my thoughts better than before...so that's something.  But even when I tell myself to simply pick ONE area to work on, ONE habit to change, I freak out and can't pick one.  Or stick with one.  That daily vegetable I mentioned in my last post?  Never happened.

I so want to be a good example to my girl.  I so want to spend this year at home not only bonding with her, but getting healthier month by month.  And more at ease in my skin!  It used to be that photographs were taken of me infrequently enough that I could internally wince when I saw the reality of my body size in pictures, but pretty much let it go, bury my head in the sand, and carry on unaffected.  It's a different story now.  You know how picture crazy new parents go, right?  And aunts and uncles and everyone else?  I have ended up in more pictures during the last 2 months--me holding the baby in all sorts of positions and angles--than in the past two years combined.  I've seen enough of myself that I just can't ignore how bad I look anymore.  I've reached that point where no nice/dressy clothes look good on me; every human body has a threshold past which clever layering, shapewear, and all the other tricks in the book can't really hide the truth anymore.  I've been there for some time, wearing baggy and practically unisex clothes so I don't have to deal with it.  But if I'm being honest, I long to wear lovely clothes that boost my confidence and celebrate the fact that I'm alive.

My mom didn't help me with clothes, bra shopping, makeup, any of that stuff.  Much of that was her own narcissism, but some of it (I have come to realize) was her own incompetence and lack of ease in this area.  I want to help my own daughter, but I won't be able to if I haven't figured it out for myself first.  The same could be said of cooking and healthy eating, of exercising, of so many things.

It feels good to write, even if it's all over the place and mostly a testament to me being lost and going in circles.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Frustrated with self

Between breastfeeding and a decrease in junk food consumption, I feel like I could/should be losing weight right now. But I'm not, and it's mostly because I'm disorganized. I'm grabbing whatever at random intervals; there's no planning or mindfulness so I overeat and eat the wrong things.

Out of nowhere, old diet-y thinking popped up a few days ago. I thought, "I want to lose 10 lbs by my next gyno appointment in 3 weeks. I'm sick of seeing 250 on the scale. And I want to lose 20 lbs by my sister's baby shower.
I want to hear that I'm looking good after giving birth."

What is this? Impatience and seeking external validation, and not much else. It's the sort of thing that never works, or ends up backfiring. I know this. So I dismissed these thoughts.

What I really need to do is establish some healthy, sustainable habits that can lead to fat loss over time. I need to be realistic; overhauling everything at once has never worked for me.

Maybe I can start with eating A vegetable every day? It doesn't sound like nearly enough. I want to add fasting after dinner, and exercise, and and and. But honestly, I don't even have a daily veggie nailed right now.

Honesty can be so depressing sometimes!

Monday, January 21, 2013

Bump in the road on the way to legalizing junk food

I believe that for me, long-term success in terms of weight stabilization and eating disorder recovery will involve the ability to have junk food in the house and not feel obsessive or compulsive around it. I'm getting there, but my legalization process has been thrown off a bit by new motherhood.

After I came home from the hospital, I started eating treats mindlessly again. The reason for this was fatigue and time constraints, moreso than emotional turmoil or a desire to return to old ways.

It takes time to eat a piece of cake mindfully. But when you are tired and the clock is speeding towards the next feeding or pumping session--and you'd also like to shower and squeeze a nap in there if you can--a 15 minute meditative eating experience with cake isn't going to happen. So what happens? You grab something and cram it in quickly, getting a quick hit of pleasure. Then you want another hit later, because you barely paid attention the first time...

Another thing that had me grabbing at pop tarts and trail mix several times a day was the lack of interest I have in cooking right now. I want pleasure and comfort and convenience, and I'm more focused on the baby than myself, so it's kind of a perfect storm for poor choices.

What to do? Well, I know if I make some sort of vow or plan (e.g. "keep all junk out of the house until blah blah blah") it will probably backfire. So I'm not doing that.

Basically, since I'm a little out of sorts right now and likely to make poor eating choices, I'm not going to go out of my way to acquire sweets in the near future. That is, I won't be stocking junk and immediately replacing it when things run out. Since I'm at home all the time and my husband is taking care of the grocery shopping for now, not much is coming my way unless I request it. If I really want something, I'll ask for it and try to find a quiet time to really savor it. (So far, I've only requested one treat from the store. But I didn't do so great with the savoring part!)

That's it, really. And I will re-asses the situation as needed. Later, I'll have longer stretches of time to myself (hopefully!) and I'll be grocery shopping again, and I expect to pick up where I left off before the birth.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

New baby, short posts

I had a beautiful girl just over 2 weeks ago! And now I'm in the midst of the crazy newborn stage. I can tell it is going to be awhile before I can sit down and write proper posts again, so I installed the Blogger app on my phone. My blogging will consist of short notes whenever the mood strikes.

For the first time ever, I've been more obsessed with someone else's food and weight than my own. My baby lost too much weight after birth, was jaundiced, became slightly dehydrated, and had to be supplemented with formula (doctor's orders). Pretty much every waking moment since that bottle was introduced in the hospital has been devoted to trying to get her to breastfeed more frequently and effectively, pumping so that she drinks more milk than formula, and worrying about getting her up to birth weight.

A few days ago, she surpassed her birth weight. And I *think* feeding is going better. I'm still having to pump. Hope this all comes together soon; exclusively breastfeeding would be so much easier.
All in all, I'm grateful she's healthy and I'm doing okay too.

Home scale says 250-253.