Does this body look cared for?

Monday, December 5 food log

pork chop with warm apple-cabbage slaw
an orange
homemade chicken tacos


Today was the easiest day I've had in awhile. Having solid leftovers (the pork and cabbage) helped tremendously. And I was looking forward to my taco dinner all afternoon, which helped me not graze mindlessly. I was good and hungry when I sat down to eat...and that's rarer than I care to admit.

One thing I was pleased with today is that I caught myself wolfing down my pork chop too quickly and decided to try taking a drink of water between every mouthful. It slowed me down and I found myself chewing everything more thoroughly. By the time I was finished, I was pleasantly full and the portion I had consumed seemed just right. I didn't want or need any more. Remember this technique, self! What's that thing "they" say about a twenty minute delay between your stomach being full and your brain registering the fullness?

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Other things from today:

1. I was taking a long look at myself in the mirror after my shower today and feeling down about the alarming state my body is in. I have really abused myself, and though I know things can improve, there is no way to undo all the damage. Nevertheless, a thought occurred to me: what if, instead of assessing whether this or that part of me is attractive (my thighs, my stomach, my nails, my hair, whatever), I simply assess whether it looks cared for? Striving to look and feel genuinely cared for is probably better for my mental health than striving to look somehow "hotter." (Whatever that means. And hotter for whose benefit, by the way?) Today, I could see clearly that the body reflected in the mirror hasn't been tended to and cared for in a long time, and that was the saddest thing of all.

Declaring it now: I want to look, feel, and be cared for.

2. My gym activity has cooled off considerably. I keep telling myself that I only have to go three times a week, on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Just show up and do whatever. But I'm resistant to it because deep down I think the only things worth going for are the classes, and I guess a part of me is lazy and another part of me resents having to plan my day's schedule around a BodyPump or yoga class.

Even though I had plenty of time to get a workout in today, I didn't. I didn't because I didn't want to go to the gym, so I decided not to exercise at all. Typical stupid, perfectionist, all-or-nothing thinking! I have stuff at home I can use, and nice places to walk near my house...and somehow I think it makes sense to not use these resources because I'm paying for a gym membership and should be using THAT resource. So illogical.

I'm thus dropping the pressure to go the gym three times a week. I expect myself to exercise three days a week, whether at the gym or at/near home, regardless of the weather. I'm going to give it a couple of months, and if I find that I don't use the gym often enough to justify the cost of membership, I will cancel it and continue to do whatever is working for me at home, in the local parks, or at another facility.

Enough of these silly games!

Pilates is a special kind of hell

I knew it would be bad...just didn't know how bad. I went to a "Pilates for Beginners" class on Saturday. Fifteen minutes into the hour-long class, the part of me that was in extreme physical and emotional discomfort was battling it out with the part of me that thought it would be too rude to get up and leave. I really don't know how I made it through the entire hour. I could hardly do any of the moves--certainly couldn't execute them properly--and the instructor walked over to me and me alone to help me when the last thing I wanted was attention drawn to myself. She meant well, but dammit, I wanted to be as invisible as a giant panting woman in a bright pink t-shirt CAN be!

Of all the things I've tried at the gym, Pilates is the activity that makes it most clear just how out of shape I am. I can feel my body's weaknesses and sense just how absurdly heavy my thighs are when attempting these moves. I feel self-conscious and ashamed--even somewhat unwelcome. I think I'd have to lose a ton of weight and practice this stuff for months before I could even begin to keep up.

Having said all this, I don't know if I should run away screaming, or start going every week.

Went to yoga class

Another thing, demystified! I went to a Gentle Yoga class at the gym tonight and I’m glad I did. It was non-intimidating and very good for someone like me that’s been to maybe two yoga classes in my life (and that was probably almost ten years ago). I was surprised how much it revealed about my body. I could feel that my right arm and shoulder is still messed up despite the physical therapy I had done on it earlier this year, for one thing. Strangely, I could feel that weakness more clearly in tonight’s class than I do when I’m strength training. I saw how inflexible I am in some ways, and also how much my flab—especially stomach and thigh fat—gets in the way when I’m trying to do certain things. The more scrunched up I got, the more I felt like a tangled mound of sausage links. But surprisingly I wasn’t disheartened at all. Instead, I’m looking forward to going back at least once a week and tuning into my body.

Two other nice things today:

1. On the way to the gym, I saw an orange and pink sunset that literally made me gasp with delight. The drive to the gym is hilly and gorgeous; it’s a reward unto itself. On the way home, a lovely big moon with wispy clouds trailing across it. Plus there was a chill in the air. My favorite season is here!

2. I reached the ten pounds gone mark, so I can order the reward I picked out for myself a few days ago! It's a piece of furniture for my kitchen and I'll post pictures when I get it set up. So glad I rejected my husband’s pressurized “suggestion” to go out for Chinese food last night.

(note: this post originally appeared on Tumblr on September 15th.)

Mental workouts at the gym

I joined a really great gym about a month and a half ago. It’s got everything: updated equipment, a women’s-only fitness room, café, a nursery and different daycamps for kids, two pools, a hot tub, saunas, racquetball/tennis/basketball courts, massage therapy, and over 140 different classes offered throughout the week. The classes are what really drew me there. I wanted to try BodyPump because I had read so much about it on Shauna Reid’s fantastic blog years ago, and they offer it every day of the week—sometimes twice a day.

So the gym is fantastic, and here’s the (oh so predictable) catch: I struggle with feeling like I do not belong there. I feel too fat, too unathletic, too clumsy, too ugly, too shy. I compare myself to more attractive women and feel downhearted. I’d like to go to the pool, but currently am too self-conscious to don a swimsuit and strut past whatever tanned, -3% body fat, 18 year-old Adonis happens to be on lifeguard duty that day.

But I’m still going to the gym a few times a week, and still trying different things despite my mental discomfort. Oh, there’s physical discomfort as well, as I’m way out of shape and overweight. But at this stage in the game, it’s more of a mental battle than a physical one. What I want is to feel less self-conscious and timid by the end of my current three month contract. I’m not expecting a dramatic physical change in such a short period of time; I’m in this for the long haul and besides, I believe my dietary choices are going to do more for my physical transformation than anything else. (I have exercised intensely before without losing any weight, so I know firsthand that diet is key.)

I am expecting a mental change in a relatively short period of time, though, and I’m working consciously at it. When my eyes start to wander, I snap myself back to attention and focus on my form. When the negative brain chatter starts, I talk back to it, argue with it, tell it to shut up. When I feel scared of something, like the pool situation, I take note that it’s something I must do—precisely because I’m scared of it. I may not do it today, but the day is coming. I tell myself it’s inevitable and to start looking for a good swimsuit.

I am excited to see how this kind of mental work will transfer to other areas of my life. Continuing at something despite emotional discomfort, questioning my identity (in this case as “unathletic”, for starters), learning to focus, resisting the urge to compare myself to others, trying new stuff that makes me feel awkward until I don’t feel awkward anymore…it’s all highly applicable to other scenarios. Realizing that the gym can be a vehicle for mental and emotional growth—not merely a place to punish myself for being fat, or stave off disease, or sculpt myself into a shape more pleasing to others—has been a real step for me.