More on legalizing junk food

Right after I wrote my last post about legalizing junk food, I discovered I had even more junk in the house than I had listed; I had forgotten about several items.  There were other cookies and a jar of chocolate-almond spread that had slipped my mind, and most of a cranberry-orange cake in the freezer that I didn't realize we had until my husband threw it in the yard for the birds yesterday.  It was several weeks old and neither one of us were interested in finishing it.

To have these things in the house and completely and utterly forget about them is new and amusing to me.  I typically know EXACTLY what I have, EXACTLY how much is left, and EXACTLY how badly I want to devour it all the moment I have a bit of privacy to do so.  I even forgot about a pint of Limited Edition Ben & Jerry's this week, and that speaks louder than me forgetting about cranberry-orange cake, believe me.  I opened my freezer and there it was in the door and I was all "Hey!  Forgot this was in here!"

The surprising process of legalizing junk food

Interesting things are happening with my eating in the third trimester.  I'm almost 36 weeks now, and still weigh 260 pounds.

I'm not exactly sure when or why this started, but just over a month ago I decided to take yet another crack at changing the way I behave around sugary junk food.  It might have something to do with picking up one of my old Geneen Roth books one night; she's very "pro-legalization" and recommends things like carrying chocolate that you love in your purse at all times.  

I decided to give it a whirl.

My weight, two months before my due date

I weigh about 259 pounds right now.  My home scale has been reading between 258 and 260 for over a week.  The doctor's office scale is always within a couple of pounds of my home scale.

Back in April, just days after I conceived, I weighed 255.  So over the past (almost) seven months, my weight went from 255 down to the 240s and then back up again to where it is now, a net gain of about 5 pounds so far.  This all happened gradually and naturally, without me doing much to manipulate my weight besides making an effort to curtail binge eating behaviors.

Having a girl, and doing girly things!

I'm 24 weeks along, and we found out about a month ago that we are having a little girl!  I thought--or perhaps hoped--we were having a boy; my relationship with my mother is problematic and on some level I thought a boy would be "easier."  I'm happy to say that excitement over a girl quickly grew and my husband and I are both happy and eager to meet her.  We've chosen a name and I look forward to starting on her nursery in mid-October.

We are travelling out of state in early October to attend the baby shower my family is throwing for us, so I'm trying to choose an outfit for the occasion.  Plus-size maternity shopping is not an easy task, I can assure you!  I just bought two pairs of maternity jeans from Destination Maternity and I have a couple of maternity tops from Target in XXL, their largest size, that I typically wear with cardigans.  I also have a couple of casual cotton empire waist dresses.  That's pretty much it.  Hope that can see me through to December!  I'm mostly at home, so that helps.

Perhaps because my clothing options are so limited, or perhaps because I know I need something to boost my confidence while I get larger (I'm now just over 250 pounds again and I think the number will only climb from here...hopefully slowly), my attention has turned to makeup and hair.  It's been a long time since I've bought anything or put any effort forth in that area.  For so long, I've felt ugly and undeserving of it.  I have a bunch of baggage and history pertaining to hair/makeup/body image/beauty/identity that I will maybe unpack in future blog posts.  For now, let me simply state that I want to get over my hangups and "work what I've got", and I want to teach my daughter to do the same.  I know firsthand how damaging it is to have a mother that models self-hatred and body/appearance-related insecurity to her daughters.

So, I've allowed myself to make a bunch of purchases recently.  First, I bought something I've always wanted: a vanity table and stool.  I've lusted for over 4 years after a particular mirrored vanity set from Pier 1 that costs over $500.  I kept holding out for it, imagining how great it would look in my bedroom.  Well, in the end, I decided that I'd rather use some of that money on quality cosmetics, which I've never owned.  I've always used cheap drugstore makeup.  So I went ahead and ordered a basic set from Target (the Avington vanity in black plus a matching stool, for about $250) and I'm quite pleased with it.  I set it up in front of my bedroom window and can finally apply makeup in natural light once again.  I had been leaning uncomfortably over my bathroom sink or standing in my dingy closet in front of the full length mirror until now.

I've never had a nicer setup or felt so relaxed putting on my makeup.

Because the mirror is too far away from my face when I'm seated normally, and because I needed something that would allow me to apply makeup at night, I also bought a lighted stand mirror from Conair for $60 to place on top of the table.  One side has 10X magnification and the other side is normal, and it plugs in so I don't have to mess with batteries.

I purchased a cheap, flat, plastic handheld mirror for viewing the back of my head, a new hairdryer (old one stopped working), and a set of large hot rollers for creating volume in my flat-at-the-roots hair.  The rollers were probably a mistake because I can't roll all of my hair with the set, so I will probably return it and buy a bigger set.  In addition, I purchased some new makeup, but none of the premium brand stuff yet.  I'm still researching all of that.  I suspect I need higher quality foundation, powder, concealer, eye shadow, eye pencil, and primers, but can get away with drugstore lipcolor, mascara, and nail polish.  There are SO many products out there and so many reviews to sort through that I find it a bit overwhelming, but I will gradually figure out what works for me and how to apply it.

I'll review my current makeup stash in the next post and I welcome makeup advice and recommendations from anyone out there that knows what they are talking about!

Flexible menu planning

Last Sunday, I wrote out a menu plan for this week.  This kind of thing never helped me before when I tried it, because I'd throw the whole plan away once I deviated from it, or I'd make it ridiculously detailed and rigid and full of labor-intensive dishes that required me to follow a recipe.

This time, I approached it differently in several ways.

1.  I told myself I could deviate from the written menu as needed; that the plan was merely a suggestion of meals I could make with the things I had on hand.  And I didn't care about switching Monday's dinner with Wednesday's lunch, or flipping the order of breakfasts around, or any of that.  I was totally flexible.

2.  I was realistic about the fact my husband and I would end up eating out a couple of times during the week, and that at least one day could be taken care with leftovers, so I didn't plan a dinner for every night of the week.  I planned 4 dinners and it worked out well. 

3.  I kept the food simple.  I accepted that I have limited patience, energy, and enthusiasm for sophisticated cooking.  I can try my hand at something new, or follow a recipe, or make something that requires me to wash several tools, pots, and pans for one dish...about once a week.  Beyond that, I feel hassled.

4.  I didn't worry about perfect balance or healthfulness.  I wanted to encourage myself to eat some good vegetables, fruits, and proteins, to eat at home a bit more, to throw together something more wholesome than buttered toast and milk for breakfast.  And I accomplished that!

I had some junky things this week, like flavored yogurts, french fries, buttered French bread, and a cheeseburger from Dairy Queen. But thanks mostly to my flexible menu planning, I also ate:

spinach

purple cabbage

carrots

red peppers

onions

tomatoes

green beans

zucchini

potatoes

broccoli with loads of fresh garlic

tangerines

strawberries

blueberries

an apple

cherries

orange juice

almonds

salmon

chicken 

eggs

lean Canadian bacon

turkey breast

All in all, not a bad week.  I like this system!

I recorded what I ate each day and I also jotted down what challenged me each day.  I'm starting to accept that every day, I will be challenged by cravings for crappy food.  It's predictable, it's not going anywhere, and I no longer see the point in getting so upset over it.  Sometimes I am going to give in to the cravings; more often, I am not.  None of the cravings lasted as long as I feared they would, and they usually occur in the afternoon or evening--I'm not being tortured from sunrise to sunset with these food thoughts.  The most irritating thing is when I crave the same item for many days in a row.  This is what I craved this week (I did not give in to any of these cravings, by the way):

Monday: craved McDonald's fries and hot fudge sundae

Tuesday: craved McDonald's milkshake or vanilla cone

Wednesday: craved chocolate chip cookie dough blizzard from Dairy Queen

Thursday: craved sugary kid's cereal. wanted to chow down on a whole box.

Friday: tempted to order cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory, where we ate dinner

Saturday: felt like eating a pastry from the Starbucks inside my favorite Barnes & Noble

Sunday: considered making a fruit cobbler and smothering it in vanilla ice cream or whipped cream.

These thoughts are ANNOYING, but they don't have to be my undoing.  There's something about accepting that my brain is going to come up with these ridiculous ideas every day that helps me stay a bit detached and calm.  It's kind of like "oh, what is it going to be today?"  Then it pops up as I'm going about my day, and I think "Yep, there it is.  Predictable."

I wrote out a new menu plan for this upcoming week and look forward to seeing how it plays out.  I turn 30 this week and know there will be some special treats thrown in there, and I'm fine with that.  I also have my long-awaited 20 week ultrasound on Tuesday and will hopefully learn the gender of the baby!  Weight continues to bounce around between 245 and 250--never lower or higher than that.

18 weeks pregnant and thinking thinking thinking

There's nothing much to share right now.  I spend much of my time these days thinking about the future, including how I want to tackle weight loss, weight maintenance, household cooking duties, and so on once the baby arrives.  One thing I'm trying to come to terms with is that I will have to invest much more time into meal planning, exercising, etc. than I do now if I want to achieve the results I desire.  And by results, I don't just mean a certain pants size -- I mean providing my child with a certain example, providing my family with a certain level of care.  I'm about to have unprecedented demands on my time due to the new baby, and simultaneously realizing I need to invest more time on this other front in order to progress further with it.  It's all a bit nerve-wracking, but I have to get real.

I lost the few pounds I had gained recently, and am back to 245.  It was nothing I did on purpose; those few pounds suddenly vanished over a 2 day period, though I had not changed my eating in any way.

It was just about a year ago that I joined a gym, started experimenting with a blog (first on Tumblr, then here), and decided to try to lose weight yet again. My weight at that time was 275.  In the 12 months that I've lost 30 pounds, there were weeks and months in which I gave up trying to reform my ways.  My binge eating only calmed down in January-February 2012.  My exercising has been terribly inconsistent throughout the twelve months.  And I've been pregnant for about 4 of the 12 months!  What a strange year!  Yet here I sit, in a better physical and mental place than I was a year ago.  My takeaway from this is that the whole "progress, not perfection" mentality really does get you somewhere if you give it some time.

It might take me another year to lose another 30 pounds.  After all, the next twelve months will involve the final 20 weeks of pregnancy, it will (hopefully) involve breastfeeding, it will involve a major life adjustment.  I can't accurately predict how each of those things will affect my body and mind, but I do think that shedding 30 more pounds amid all that would be a triumph.  So here's to another good 12 months!

16 weeks pregnant and pondering spirituality

I've had lots of stress lately--plumbing problems, financial stuff, relationship stuff.  I have managed to keep abstaining from sweets during this bout of stress, but it's not easy.  The stress triggers urges to give in and have something so I can feel pleasure, escape, relax (and make the urges themselves go away--the biggest and most immediate drive behind this whole cycle).  Pleasure and comfort are in very short supply these days without my favorite junk foods.

Every option seems difficult.  I outlined it in my last post.  Eating sweets moderately is difficult and requires a lot of energy and willpower.  Abstaining from them is difficult.  Binging and overeating are difficult ways to live too, for different reasons.  All of these options are difficult, but some of them lead to worse outcomes than the others, so I have to make my choice with that in mind.

Sometimes I wish there was brain surgery available that could remove or "wipe clean" the neural pathways that make sugar, binging, and food such a big freaking deal to me.  Because rewiring my brain through hundreds of daily decisions and actions is so damn hard.  Often I feel like I'm not making any progress and then I start to doubt whether lasting change is even possible.  I believe I can change my behavior, sure, but will the incessant whining in my head for MORE MORE MORE ever cease?  I wonder if I will be white-knuckling it to the grave, alternating between sheer willpower and mindfulness practices to get through my days without overeating or eating lots of sugary junk.  Both willpower and mindfulness take a ton of energy and effort, at least for me, so I question the sustainability of that.

IF the mindfulness stuff becomes more like second nature, though, MAYBE things will get a bit easier.  I found a Thursday night insight meditation group in my area and attended the meeting last week.  I really liked it.  I've been meditating on my own (inconsistently) and reading extensively on the topic of Buddhism for months now, sorting through different schools, ideas, and practices so I can piece together something that works for me.  I think I've rejected more aspects of Buddhism  than I've embraced; I'm not one for orthodoxy or pre-scientific nonsense and feel no need to  become more aligned with irrelevant Tibetan/Japanese/Sri Lankan/(fill in the blank) cultural trappings.  I'm a secular westerner that's influenced by Buddhism rather than a Buddhist influenced by secular western thought, that much is certain.  But the parts of Buddhism that make sense to me are becoming really important to my life.

No one would be more surprised than me if my lifelong food and weight woes brought me to a satisfying spiritual life around the age of 30.  It was my search for binge eating disorder help that led me to Vipassana (insight) meditation, and Vipassana led me to consider Buddhism as a whole.  I've never HAD a spiritual life before now.

Maybe that's part of the problem.

Update on my (near-) abstinence

I've been doing ok and maintaining near-abstinence when it comes to desserts.  A few days ago, I had a weird eating day and later realized I was blowing off steam. The kind of steam that builds as a result of restriction. Everything I ate that day was sweet and rich: a bagel with flavored cream cheese from Panera's, a chocolate whey protein-banana smoothie, and a small amount of rice pudding.  I ate very little for the day, but I didn't consider it an abstinent day by any means.

Yesterday, for the 4th of July, I didn't buy any sweet drinks like soda or lemonade, any chips, any desserts.  I told our guests they were free to bring anything they liked, and let them know we would be grilling meat and veggies and serving watermelon on the side.  They didn't bring anything to supplement our meal, but then we all went out for frozen custard and I did order a kid's size vanilla custard in a cup.  I liked it, but wanted more once it was over...and then felt that old anger and exasperation at always wanting MORE.

For now, I feel fine with how I'm doing.  Abstinence isn't torture day-in and day-out, the way it was when I was trying Overeater's Anonymous.  If every now and then I blow off steam or have a treat on a holiday or special day, it's fine.  It's what I would call near-abstinence, and I'm pleased with it because it means I'm not having sweets every single day anymore.

I have experienced a lot of bored and dull feelings lately, and I think it's because I've taken away a big source of fun and pleasure from my daily routine by omitting sweets.  Even though I was no longer regularly binging on sweets, they obviously remained an important part of my day and a major source of entertainment.  But that's the point--I don't want sweets to be my daily entertainment anymore.  I don't want them to be a "necessary" part of my day in any amount or in any fashion.  It'll take awhile for something else to fill the vacuum that's been created; I'm going to let that unfold naturally.

So that's where I am: near-abstinent, mostly at peace, more bored than usual.  Also up a couple of pounds since cutting sweets, but I attribute that to the fact that I'm 15 weeks pregnant and weight gain was going to start happening at some point!

14 weeks pregnant and sweating the sugar question again

So 14 weeks, feeling fine, no weight gained (if anything, a few more pounds lost), barely starting to show.  Or not showing?  It's hard to tell.  I do carry plenty of fat in my abdominal region; my lower stomach looks the same, but sometimes/in some outfits it seems there's a bit of a swell higher up.  I think I can get through the summer without maternity clothing, but will need some items come fall/winter.

While my body is trucking along just fine, my mind is up to its old antics.  Namely, I'm playing with the idea of complete abstinence from desserts for the rest of my pregnancy.  I've had some bad eating days lately and one day last week in which I just flat-out binged on ice cream sandwiches, and after that I felt so fed up and frightened that I wondered if simply walking away from that whole category of food is the smartest thing to do.  Not forever, but for now.

See, I've been over this before.  Prior to getting pregnant, I had attempts at abstinence backfire enough times that I finally settled on moderation and re-learning as the best way forward.  I still think learning to eat "problem foods" moderately is the best long-term solution.  I was making progress throughout 2012 with this approach, and before I got pregnant, I viewed my frequent slip-ups with sugar as merely part of the learning process.

I don't feel so easygoing about it anymore.  I feel like I can't afford slip-ups the way I used to, and as I'm still fairly new to the moderate eating game, they happen way too often.  Some of the things I think about:

1.  I weigh 245 pounds about 14 weeks into pregnancy. I'm at high risk for gestational diabetes and pre-eclampsia.  Can I "afford" binges or episodes of overeating?  Even if I don't binge, can I "afford" to eat nutritionally poor, sugar-laden foods on a regular basis?  Keep in mind, I do not eat a low-carb diet to start with.  My body is processing considerable sugar throughout the day due to my consumption of grains, fruits, dairy, etc. 

(As an aside, I am certainly not low on calories and I don't believe my urges to binge/overeat are the result of my body desperately trying to get more energy to support a growing baby, or anything like that!)

2.  Eating sweets moderately requires a LOT of mental effort from me.  Even on my best days, it requires energy and willpower to stop at a certain point and to ignore the cravings for more than inevitably follow. (Hormonal swings haven't made this any easier, I can assure you.)  I don't have as much energy and time to fight these battles as I used to, and think it'd be easier on me, in many respects, to simply cut sweets out of my life for now.

3.  In a few weeks, the baby will be swallowing amniotic fluid throughout the day that is flavored by the foods I am eating.  Research suggests that certain dietary preferences start to form in utero, largely through this mechanism.  (Breastmilk is similarly flavored and believed to influence later food preferences and eating behavior, too.)  If family history is any indication, my baby probably has food/addiction/weight challenges awaiting him or her already.  Do I want to do anything that might make matters worse?

Even if abstinence is the best route, I don't know if I can maintain it.  I've never been able to before, but then again, I've never had to factor a baby into the picture, either.  I'd like to try and see.  If I sense that it's about to backfire in a big way,  I will have to go back to the daily grind of battling for moderation.   Even if moderation (with all my inevitable slip-ups) isn't ideal, I CANNOT go through the abstain-binge-abstain-binge cycle while pregnant.  One round of the abstinence experiment is all I will do; if it fails, I will not be attempting it again during pregnancy or breastfeeding.

There isn't much research or literature out there on binge eating disorder and pregnancy.  All my books briefly cover anorexia and bulimia in pregnancy, not even mentioning binge eating disorder.  Yet I know I cannot be alone in this, and I wonder how other women handle it.

12 week ultrasound, weight loss, and swimming

Everything looked fine at my ultrasound this week.  It was beyond exciting to see a little humanoid shape moving around in there!  At last!  The baby was bouncing on his/her back repeatedly and waving little arms and legs about continuously.  I could have watched for hours, as it made everything seem very real and the baby was so fun and fascinating to observe, but the scan was over after a few minutes.  And I only got to hear the heartbeat for a few seconds.  I'm still marveling at how this mango-sized creature can be in motion without me feeling anything at all!  I should get bloodwork results back next week that, combined with the results of the nuchal translucency scan, will tell me more about risks and further testing needs.

I'm down a few pounds, though it fluctuates by a five pound margin.  I often see something in the 246-251 range on the home scale.  Tuesday the doctor's scale said 250; yesterday the gym scale said 249.  I'd have to dig through my records, but I don't think I've seen anything in the 240's on the gym scale before now.  I think my face looks a little less chubby than it used to.  It is liberating to exercise and weigh myself and moderate my food choices without all the self-imposed pressure to lose lose LOSE. 

I went swimming yesterday for the first time in over 4 years and it felt really nice.  I rediscovered how much I enjoy the brain-body challenge of thinking about all these different components of the strokes while carrying them out.  I love getting a lane to myself and tuning out the rest of the world.  Unlike the case of group exercise classes or using gym machines or even taking walks outside, I don't have to look at anyone.  There's no one to compare myself to.  There's no interaction or competition or self-consciousness, which is great for me.

I might try some aqua cardio classes to mix things up in the pool, or I may sign up for a few private lessons so I can learn to do the breaststroke and backstroke more precisely and efficiently, even if I'm only going to do them slowly.  (I read those are the two best strokes to do during pregnancy.)  I went slowly yesterday, but still got my heart pumping and I felt deliciously tired a couple hours after my swim.  I felt like I had really done something good for myself.

What you do most of the time...matters most

We had company yesterday, and I ate way too much.  I always do.  I find it stressful to host people, the stress triggers urges to overeat or to binge, and feeling overwhelmed/tired/not in touch with myself, I give in to the urges without even trying in earnest to fight them off.


It's really common for me to sit down and polish off a bunch of leftovers once guests leave my home.  Last night it was chocolate pudding.  I don't like that I do this, and I will work on changing it.  The good news, however, is that we don't host people very often.  So this particular problem doesn't present itself very often.

More and more, I'm seeing scenarios I used to worry about don't matter that much, because they don't occur that often.  I used to sit down and try to come up with grand plans and sets of rules, or maybe just one magical secret principle, that could cover ALL problematic scenarios for me.  Hosting people.  The holidays.  Traveling to my hometown and eating a bunch of meals with family, who eat very differently than I do.  Ravenous PMS days.  When I couldn't come up with solutions for everything, and when I kept tripping up at predictable times, I would get so discouraged and let my day-to-day efforts slide.  I was all-or-nothing.

That's starting to change.  Perfectionism and my all-or-nothingness is fading, finally.  I understand that what I do on a typical day--something like 300 days out of the year--is what matters most and deserves my closest attention.  And when a not-so-great eating day comes along, like yesterday, it doesn't have to lead to an out-of-control week.  Yesterday I had company and ate stupidly.  I probably won't have company for another month.  Hopefully I can do better next time, but there's likely 25 or 30 normal, non-company days between now and then to attend to.  So on some level, I'm thinking: who cares?  Let's move on.

I don't even think about balancing out the previous day's excesses.  What's done is done.  Letting go of yesterday helps me make better choices today because I'm not burdened with feelings of regret, shame, anxiety, and so on.  It's very freeing. 

This attitudinal change may be happening because I'm not trying to lose weight right now, just maintain my current weight. (Next week, I will wrap up my first trimester without having gained anything, as per my ob/gyn's instructions to gain 0-5 pounds during this period of time.)  So now when I eat too much, I don't think "I blew it.  There's no way I will have lost anything by the end of this week" because my focus isn't on losing.  It's on staying steady as much as possible, scale-wise and eating-wise.  And with less dramatic thinking in the picture, there are less dramatic behavioral swings too.

I want my new relaxed attitude to stick, though, despite the weight gain that is sure to come later and the desire for weight loss that will kick in post-pregnancy!  After fixating on individual trees for so long, it's nice to see the forest. 

Wrapping up week 10 of pregnancy, and asking "Am I obligated to be pretty?"

On the pregnancy front, I'm less queasy--hooray!--but I don't sleep well anymore at all.  I used to be one of those people that could sleep 8-10 hours straight.  Totally solid sleep.  Now I toss and turn, my back hurts, I get up to pee all the time.  I ordered a body pillow from Amazon that I hope will help with back and abdominal support.  I also ordered a prenatal yoga DVD and a prenatal strength training DVD, and I'm looking for a pair of swim shorts to wear over my old one piece so I can start swimming again.  I get horrific razor burn around my bikini line and rather than let my embarrassment keep me away from the pool, I'm ready to slap on some shorts and get on with it.  Summer is here!

And speaking of my skin, my appearance...I realized the other day that I feel obligated as a woman to a.) either be pretty and pleasant to look at, or b.) cover my flaws as much as possible "out of consideration for others", even if it means being physically uncomfortable or missing out on enjoyable things.  As if the retinas of innocent bystanders will actually catch fire if they are subjected to my ugliness.

I know this is a really old topic, and some of the older feminists out there might be rolling their eyes.  But it's one of those things that feels fresh and confusing nonetheless, for each person and each generation that grapples with it.

I thought I wanted to be attractive (or hide my numerous flaws) for all sorts of reasons: to avoid ridicule and expressions of disgust from others in order to protect myself from humiliation.  On the flip side, to make me likeable to others and for the other social advantages that come from attractiveness.  For innate biological reasons of wanting to attract and keep a mate.  Etc etc.

But more and more, I'm realizing I feel it's somehow my DUTY to be pleasant to look at, as though being pretty is the decent, considerate thing to do.  The other day I was catching some sun on my reclining deck chair in a swimsuit.  My middle-aged, overweight, male neighbor came outside and started doing something in his yard, just off to my right. I immediately felt tense and self-conscious and started wondering if I looked disgusting to him.  I didn't feel he was staring at me or anything, but I pondered whether I was unpleasant for this man to look at anyway.

It's silly.  Not only am I not obligated to serve as eye candy for random men (or women), but I don't find this particular neighbor of mine attractive--I don't view him as a potential sexual partner--I don't think much about him, period.  So why did I react this way?  Why do I ALWAYS feel almost apologetic about my appearance?  It might be a smart move to make oneself as attractive as possible; it may be advantageous on many levels.  But is anyone obligated to be hot?  Is anyone obligated to attempt to be hot?  I don't think so.

I know that these feelings of obligation come from socialization, including aggressive marketing aimed at girls and women.  But understanding the origins of it all doesn't really help me reprogram my thinking, it seems.  My mom and older sister hated their bodily flaws and would express disgust when some other person lacked the "decency" to cover up bad skin, legs with severe cellulite, back fat, whatever.  Over the years, I have found myself thinking similar things: "why doesn't this person simply cover that up?  Wear a looser fitting top?  Aren't they embarrassed?"

Well, no.  Maybe they aren't embarrassed.  Maybe they have higher priorities than masking their physical flaws.  Maybe they don't even consider themselves flawed!  And moreover, they don't owe anyone anything, and they aren't hurting anyone.

Even today, while shopping for swim shorts, I was reading reviews online and saw comments like "these shorts provide good coverage.  No woman my age should be walking around in a regular suit. No one needs to see that."  Or "I don't want to subject others to my fat thighs so I got these."  One person actually said something like "I don't want to see anything old and saggy at the beach, including myself.  These shorts do the trick."

So I guess if you can't fit the mainstream definition of attractiveness, you should at least have the decency to hide what makes you ugly?  I don't know what else to say or do about this.  After all, I'm ordering swim shorts to hide my razor burn (oh, and upper thigh cellulite and any stray hairs I might miss when shaving, because I am rather hairy and...)

Have any readers out there successfully gotten over feelings of obligation/duty/decency in regards to their appearance? 

Heading into week 9 of pregnancy, and thinking about multi-generational food abuse

Everything is fine, as far as I know.  I had a checkup last Friday that went well.  Unless there is a problem, I won't have another checkup or ultrasound for another 4 weeks.  Seems like a long time to wait!  I'm so anxious and impatient.

Queasiness keeps me from having too much interest in food, but I am so very grateful I am not vomiting.  I focus on my water intake.  My weight is stable at 250.  I take walks, have slowly started up the strength training again, and I do a bit of yoga each day to ease my lower back pain.  A quick session of child's pose, cat/cow, and downward facing dog actually alleviates pain for a couple of hours.  My meditation practice is non-existent and I want to change that.

Even though I'm not terribly interested in food these days, guess what tastes the best and sits very well with me?  Ice cream.  Honey nut Cheerios.  Lassi.  Toast with jam.  Yep, sugar, dairy, and refined carbs.  I eat salads and fruit and lean meat and hummus and other stuff too, but it doesn't go down as easily.  Binging hasn't been a big problem, but I overeat the hyperpalatable stuff regularly and want to stop.  I haven't forgotten about Brain over Binge or ditched it in favor of some other philosophy...I'm simply tired and out of sorts.  I've started thinking about binge eating recovery more the past couple of days, though.

 I sat down and made a list of things I want to teach my child about food and eating.  What kind of behavior do I want to model?  What kind of household do I want them to grow up in?  Surely not the unstructured kind that I experienced, where the parents hide their special junk food from the kids, the kids are left to grab peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or bowls of cereal by themselves throughout the day...except for dinner, where we would all sit down to Hamburger Helper and canned vegetables and fruit.  I don't want them to binge like me; I don't want them to insist on pairing meals with TV, like my husband does.  So many things need to change.  I'm the fifth generation of obese, food abusing women in my family.  I have verbal accounts and photographic evidence going back to my great-great grandma, who happened to be very large before there were drive-thrus and 1,700 flavors of Ben & Jerry's at the local grocery store and buffets in each town, and I would not be surprised if the problem goes several generations back further than that. 

As much as I don't want to be sloppy and lazy when it comes to the family's nutrition, I also don't want to be shrill, dogmatic, unkind, dramatic--putting kids on diets, making them scared of food or of ever gaining weight, teaching them to look down on others that don't eat like we do.  I know there is a middle ground, but I don't have firsthand experience with it.  My mom managed to cover both extremes: she was not interested in cooking for us at all, but she took my older brother to Weight Watchers with her when he was a boy so HE would learn to eat more intelligently.  He was like 8 or 9, surrounded by crappy processed food at home that he mostly had to prepare himself, with an obese mom and a sugar-loving, chain-smoking dad...and the problem was thought to be HIS lack of self-control?!?!  He found the experience of attending a diet club populated by middle aged women mortifying.  I can't imagine the public weekly weigh-ins and the comments these adults probably made about the one child (probably also the one male; it was the 80's) in attendance!   Today, he is an obese adult with real hostility towards any discussion of eating healthfully or losing weight. 

Bottom line--I'm simultaneously scared about screwing things up for yet another generation, and excited and hopeful that parenting might be that final push I require to nail various behavioral problems and become the person I've always wanted to be. Do any of you know people that re-invented themselves via parenthood, especially in terms of food/eating/weight/addiction?  I'd love to hear about it.

Week 7 update

I had a little scare this week--some light spotting Thursday night that resulted in an early, unscheduled ultrasound on Friday morning.  The doctor said everything looked ok and confirmed the presence of a heartbeat.  Such relief.  I have a regular checkup and scheduled ultrasound this coming Friday and was assured that at this stage, the embryo grows so quickly that even one week will make a difference in terms of what we can see on the screen.   This experience only confirmed it's best not to share too much until the first trimester is complete!

Really fatigued and only the last few days, rather queasy.  I don't feel like eating much and when I do have an appetite, I can hardly stand the idea of vegetables.  I'm too tired to prep them and the thought of eating them...well, makes me not want to eat at all.  I'd been feeling a lot of guilt about this.  I wanted to be "perfect" from day 1 in my pregnancy, of course, and drink tons of water and eat tons of vegetables and fruits and have this balanced exercise regimen...and my all-or-nothing thinking is creating misery yet again.  I'm ready to chuck it to the curb and be realistic: eating a serving of fresh vegetables most days--perhaps in a salad, or a veggie frittata, or whatever--is better than nothing.  It's fine.  Fruit is easier to get down right now and do I really have to hate myself for not eating vegetables at every meal?

I've been taking walks and when this fatigue lets up a bit, I will slowly expand into other activities.  I really wasn't anticipating this level of fatigue!  Also, for some illogical reason, I didn't expect sore breasts or cramping to be an issue for me because they never have been before with my menstrual cycle.  And now I'm uncomfortable due to both, every day.  Not to sound too whiny; I'm actually happy!  But looking forward to things getting a bit easier in the second trimester, like everyone promises they will.