Ugh

Dec 12 food log:

eggnog
hard candy
chocolate bar
chicken burrito with cheese

Prediction: tomorrow will go just fine, and the day after tomorrow will be cravings hell yet again. Don't know what to say.

Damn hyperpalatable foods

December 11 food log:

vada with coconut chutney
turkey chili with shredded cheese
broccoli; chard sauteed with onions and mushrooms
apple with natural (just peanuts) peanut butter

It was sort of hard to eat my vegetables today, after the hyperpalatable burger, fries, custard, soda, and eggnog latte of yesterday! It's scary how that works. I wrestled with the desire for eggnog again tonight. I protected myself by simply staying home.

Something else to chew on: this post from Skinny Mini about the importance of pleasure.

December 9 & 10

December 9:

scrambled eggs
Mexican meal--included strip steak, mushrooms, spinach, guac, etc.
almond coconut kind bar

December 10th: I attended a seminar and then ran around the city with friends, all on no sleep. My eating reflects that!

eggnog latte from Starbucks
2 kind bars
burger, fries, and half a frozen custard
orange soda
6 inch chicken sandwich from subway

I need vegetables.

Binge

December 8 food log:

scrambled eggs with Canadian bacon
mini cupcakes
mini candy cane cookies
milk
nachos with melted cheese

Moving on...

Yesterday's descent

I'm full-out eating sugar today, but the downward spiral began yesterday.

December 7th food log:

Indian buffet for lunch: chicken, rice, vegetables, naan
pizza
octopus (part of an appetizer shared with others; I'm not insane.)
chips
root beer
skinny peppermint mocha frappuccino
a few mini candy canes

I woke up today still feeling the "itch" and thought to myself that I had to get rid of it. It's been bugging me for days now, and it presents a real dilemma. The choices?

a) eat sugar, possibly worsen my cravings, and mess up my effort to avoid desserts until Christmas (and store-bought crap in general)
b) don't eat sugar, keep white knuckling it, and risk feeling so crazy and desperate that I fall into a massive, multi-week binge in the near future.

I chose to eat sugar. Clearly I'm not going to make it all the way to Christmas without sweets; I've given in a couple of times already and we are only about a week into the month. But I can aim for minimizing my consumption--to rack up as many days as I can without the stuff, and thereby prevent December from becoming a free-for-all. I don't have to gain weight this month and start 2012 off with more of a burden to carry.

So the new question is: how many days in December can I avoid sweets?

I'm going to buy myself a little reward for each day I successfully avoid sweets. A song from iTunes is only a buck, for example.

***

I haven't had this blog for very long, but already I am frustrated with how much I contradict myself on this thing. I declare one thing one day, another thing the next. It reflects how much turmoil there is in my life regarding food, weight, etc. and how desperately I am grasping for workable solutions.

I don't see how it can improve, however, unless I keep putting the whole mess out there. I need to keep stripping away the hold that shame and perfectionism have over me.

Tough day

Today was so much harder than yesterday. I was crave-y, pissy, and dissatisfied. I developed a headache and for about 20 minutes this evening I felt like I was going to cry for no apparent reason. Nothing really hit the spot in terms of food, and I felt ill at ease in the grocery store. I wanted egg nog, but have already decided to try making my own this year.

Today's food:

some potato chips in the morning (why?!)
bowl of oatmeal
orange and dark leafy greens
nachos with low fat cheese, salsa, and guacamole
cup of herbal tea
boiled potatoes with gravy and broccoli
Kind bar and a glass of milk--this calmed the sugar cravings a little bit, but they returned a few hours later.

Meh. Good days, bad days. Moving on. I'm proud of myself for not getting a bunch of crap from the store. That much I can say!

Does this body look cared for?

Monday, December 5 food log

pork chop with warm apple-cabbage slaw
an orange
homemade chicken tacos


Today was the easiest day I've had in awhile. Having solid leftovers (the pork and cabbage) helped tremendously. And I was looking forward to my taco dinner all afternoon, which helped me not graze mindlessly. I was good and hungry when I sat down to eat...and that's rarer than I care to admit.

One thing I was pleased with today is that I caught myself wolfing down my pork chop too quickly and decided to try taking a drink of water between every mouthful. It slowed me down and I found myself chewing everything more thoroughly. By the time I was finished, I was pleasantly full and the portion I had consumed seemed just right. I didn't want or need any more. Remember this technique, self! What's that thing "they" say about a twenty minute delay between your stomach being full and your brain registering the fullness?

***
Other things from today:

1. I was taking a long look at myself in the mirror after my shower today and feeling down about the alarming state my body is in. I have really abused myself, and though I know things can improve, there is no way to undo all the damage. Nevertheless, a thought occurred to me: what if, instead of assessing whether this or that part of me is attractive (my thighs, my stomach, my nails, my hair, whatever), I simply assess whether it looks cared for? Striving to look and feel genuinely cared for is probably better for my mental health than striving to look somehow "hotter." (Whatever that means. And hotter for whose benefit, by the way?) Today, I could see clearly that the body reflected in the mirror hasn't been tended to and cared for in a long time, and that was the saddest thing of all.

Declaring it now: I want to look, feel, and be cared for.

2. My gym activity has cooled off considerably. I keep telling myself that I only have to go three times a week, on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Just show up and do whatever. But I'm resistant to it because deep down I think the only things worth going for are the classes, and I guess a part of me is lazy and another part of me resents having to plan my day's schedule around a BodyPump or yoga class.

Even though I had plenty of time to get a workout in today, I didn't. I didn't because I didn't want to go to the gym, so I decided not to exercise at all. Typical stupid, perfectionist, all-or-nothing thinking! I have stuff at home I can use, and nice places to walk near my house...and somehow I think it makes sense to not use these resources because I'm paying for a gym membership and should be using THAT resource. So illogical.

I'm thus dropping the pressure to go the gym three times a week. I expect myself to exercise three days a week, whether at the gym or at/near home, regardless of the weather. I'm going to give it a couple of months, and if I find that I don't use the gym often enough to justify the cost of membership, I will cancel it and continue to do whatever is working for me at home, in the local parks, or at another facility.

Enough of these silly games!

I've been here before

Sunday, December 4 food log:

2 scrambled eggs, mixed leafy greens, and an orange
pb & j on wheat
pork chop with warm apple-cabbage slaw
oatmeal
mug of tea
too much ciabatta bread with butter
bowl of cheerios

This evening I just couldn't get satisfied and kept reaching for the one thing that always eggs hunger and craving on further: carbs. Frustrating!

But I'm not going to get all down on myself. I've been in this place enough times before to recognize what's going on, and this time, I'm going to handle it differently.

When I stop binging on sugary foods, even for just a few days, I feel extra hungry and crave-y. I would estimate that eliminating the daily binge shaves off anywhere from 500-2000 calories that my body is used to having, typically late in the day. That's a big adjustment, and it's no surprise that I succumb to the bread and cold cereal when I'm only a few days into the change. There's a whole lot going on with sugar, insulin, and my brain chemistry, as well.

What has happened many times in the past is that I get mad at myself for replacing pints of ice cream with bowls of cereal, I don't give myself enough time to build new habits, and I have no patience for my body's desire to adjust to fewer calories gradually. I berate myself for my meal choices (there is always something to criticize!) and for not being a super dieter all-around. I expect too much too soon, and fail to live up to those expectations.

AND THEN I GIVE UP, AND GO BACK TO BINGING.

I don't want to do that this time! I want to love myself down the scale, not hate myself there. I'm in this for the long haul and I have a realistic goal set. I'd like to reach 200 by my 30th birthday at the end of next summer. And then I'd like to stay there awhile to give myself time to adjust and time to practice maintaining a stable weight.

There are so many aspects of my eating that need to be changed, but it can't all happen overnight. Cutting down on the desserts is a great first step. If I can prevent December from becoming a month-long binge on packaged holiday "treats", that itself is a vast improvement over every other December I can remember!

Keeping that in mind, some things that might help me going forward:

bigger meals (focused on protein and veg);
a fourth meal late at night;
or having the right kinds of snacks on hand, like boiled eggs and celery with no-sugar peanut butter;
more water

Calorie-free holiday enjoyment

Saturday, December 3 food log:
Mixed greens--collard, turnip, mustard, spinach sauteed with onions
Salmon
satsuma mandarin
some brie en croute (I'd never had this before. Not sure I like it.)
cheerios with a banana
mug of Yogi calming tea

I decorated the tree tonight--glad that's done! Gonna curl up by it to read for awhile: one of my favorite calorie-free holiday pleasures. :)

Frightening Hungers

First, let me get Friday, December 2nd's food log out of the way:

a fried egg, satsuma mandarin, and 2 pieces of toast
a bowl of cheerios with a banana
a Kind bar
Dairy Queen double cheeseburger, fries, and a small blizzard
hot cocoa with mint marshmallows (this was gross)
a few crackers

The Dairy Queen meal was unplanned, as was that blizzard. I could dissect the whole incident at length--the way I was tempted by the novelty of a blizzard flavor I'd never seen before, the way I should have ordered the mini size instead of the small, the way I thought "fuck it" and had hot cocoa a few hours later since I had "blown the day." But I'd rather just brush myself off and move on, and not consider December ruined; my effort to limit desserts to just Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and New Year's Eve is restarted as of this morning.

***

Sometimes I'm frightened by the amount of (metaphorical) hunger I feel. It seems I want so, so much from life. Knowledge, experiences, relationships, feelings, and of course, material pleasures too. There are so many things I'd like to master, so many things I want to do, and so many places I want to see that when I contemplate them, I feel crazed with lust and full of fear and despair at the same time.

How will there ever be enough time and resources?!

But I have to choose among these desires and prioritize. We all do. This isn't a bad thing; it's just reality. I'm lucky to even have all these possibilities open to me! I want life's array of possibilities and pleasures to be a source of joy for me, instead of a wellspring of anxiety and depression. Working on that...

It's amazing how binge eating dulls these hungers, though, isn't it? When I binge, I don't feel the overwhelming pangs of lust for life as sharply. It's there, churning and moaning beneath the surface. But if I'm physically bloated and slow and miserable--if I'm obsessing over my next sugar conquest--if I'm worrying about how I'll forever be fat and blow my knees out by age 35--I can't really focus on my deeper desires.

That's a big part of why I do it, and the biggest reason I've got to stop.

I want to weigh 200 pounds

Just typing that is a relief. It's also invigorating, because it seems attainable.

For a long time, I've been focusing on 175 as an initial goal and 150 as an eventual ideal. Those numbers have danced in my head for years now, and meanwhile I've gained weight or stayed stuck at the same high numbers. I was at my highest, 275, for a long time. I'm around 265 now, so I have my work cut out for me.

But losing 65 pounds doesn't seem as impossible as losing 110. Also, life wasn't easy at 200 pounds, but I can now say from experience that it's a hell of a lot easier than life at 265 or 275.

Frightening how numbers that used to horrify (200?! shit!!!) become something to aspire to after awhile, huh?

Numbers are useful, which is why I'm talking about them. But at the end of the day, what I want even more than a particular number is the security of knowing I'm no longer a binge eater. Knowing I can trust myself--that I'm an advocate for myself, instead of an enemy and saboteur. Knowing that I'm not a slave to certain foods and the companies that make them.

***

I didn't want to post my food for December 1st, because it seemed like so much. The whole point of the logging exercise is not about accountability to others and self-shaming to keep myself in line, though. (As I once thought.) It's about overcoming shame and secrecy, not feeling apologetic for being hungry or for eating, and no longer thinking I need to prove to anyone how hard I'm trying to be "good" (i.e., thinner, more ladylike).

It's still hard to do, though, especially on days like December 1st.

Anyway, this is what I ate between 3 a.m. on December 1st and 3 a.m. on December 2nd (my sleep is messed up right now):

a slice of gouda cheese with a slice of turkey
a bowl of bean soup; an apple with a bit of peanut butter
small amount of rice, seaweed salad, and roasted duck
curried paneer with spinach rice; a naan with a slice of cheddar
a bowl of Cheerios with honey and milk
3 Kind bars

The holidays ahead

Today, the last day of November, was more reasonable than the last two days. I had a coconut-almond Kind bar, a bowl of bean soup, turkey/cheese/spinach on a bagel, a tall caramel brulee latte from Starbucks, and Turkish "pizza" (ground lamb and vegetables on flatbread).

So now December has arrived. Do I have the strength to limit myself to only homebaked goods (made by my own hands) on just a few special days this month? Some family members are planning to travel to my house for Christmas, and I'd like to make a couple kinds of cookies and try my hand at making eggnog from scratch for the first time. Maybe a red velvet cake, too. Homemade goods have become something of a rarity in my family, as most of our parties feature store-bought cakes, cookies, etc. But now that I have a house and the opportunity to play hostess, I'm trying to establish new traditions; when the people I love indulge at my house, I'd like it to be with something real instead of with various combinations of high fructose corn syrup and partially hydrogenated soybean oil. Not that I don't dump those very things into my body, but I'm trying to change. I'm trying to create an emotional association between those kinds of cheap mass-produced goods and the phenomenon of people not caring about one another. (Which, if you think about it, makes perfect sense. The companies that make these treats don't care about you or your health. And even though cake shouldn't be equated with love, more effort and care go into a homemade cake than into a package of Little Debbie.) I want cheap sweets to become emotionally repellent so that I don't have to struggle so hard with temptation anymore.

To get through December, I'm going to have to stay busy, engage in exercise for stress relief, and create a new habit like drinking tea each evening (my most vulnerable time for eating sweets). Oh, and remind myself that I'm NOT deprived in any way--that I'm CHOOSING to do something good on my own behalf because I care about myself. Perhaps most fundamentally, my vision of Christmas needs to change, to include a picture of myself enjoying and modeling vibrant health in the midst of all the festivities. My tendency is to fantasize about making the house, the meal, the everything (except me, of course) look like something out of a magazine. To make those things the symbol of a perfect Christmas, and not even think about my own well-being--if anything, to sacrifice my well-being in the service of ridiculous Martha Stewart-esque Christmas visions.

I will still endeavor to put on a lovely holiday for my family, but I want to be able to enjoy it. And I can only enjoy it if I'm feeling good. And that requires decent food, exercise, sleep, grooming, de-stressing...and reasonable expectations for myself and the holiday season in general.

Eating poorly and thinking about Patrice O'Neal

The usual pattern for me is for my eating to get worse as the day progresses. If something is stressing me out, I make even worse choices.

Today I had a bagel with spinach, turkey, cheese, and mayo as my first meal. Drank a glass of milk with it. Then a turkey wrap at a restaurant. As a writing deadline approached this evening, I went off the rails (as is typical under stress). I ate a Green & Black's peanut and sea salt chocolate bar, followed by an almond and coconut Kind bar. Met my deadline, then ate a bowl of 15 bean soup and the second Green & Blacks bar I had purchased: milk chocolate toffee. (These bars are huge; looking at the wrapper of the toffee one now, after the fact, I see that it contained 525 calories and 55 grams of sugar.)

I was midway through that second chocolate bar, and browsing online, when I read that Patrice O'Neal had died. This is a comic I respect and had recently watched and enjoyed, dead at 41 from a stroke related to diabetes complications--or so the news outlets are currently reporting.

You know what's scary? O'Neal talked about the fact that he needed to lose weight to stay alive, and even that knowledge wasn't enough to motivate him. And I continued to eat and finish a chocolate candy bar--my second one of the evening--while reading about his diabetes, stroke, and premature death.

Food addiction is scary, serious shit.