Well, I did it again.
My little celebration of positive changes and 20 pounds gone lasted a few hours, and then the next challenge presented itself.
Some history: I have these nagging unpleasant sensations throughout the right side of my abdomen, and some swelling around my right ribcage. This has been going on since mid-2009 and it scares me. I've had tests done: bloodwork, CT scans, a special gallbladder test, ultrasound, endoscopy. I've consulted with my internist, gynecologist, and gastroenterologist. They can't find anything wrong with me. They did notice my spleen is slightly enlarged, but I feel nothing out of the ordinary on the left side of my abdomen where the spleen is located. My bathroom habits and periods are the same as they were before these sensations started (sorry if TMI).
After all those tests resulted in no answers, I just went on with my life. I felt the sensations--ranging from weird to annoying to very occasionally slightly painful--every single day. My upper right abdomen remains bloated and tender to the touch. It's been just over a year since my last round of tests and inquiries and my side has been bothering me much more lately. I'm grappling with a sense of panic, shame, and regret for not continuing to pursue answers. I worry something is actually terribly wrong with me and I'm gearing up for another round of medical fun, starting with an annual physical and going from there. This time I'm going to push harder for explanations and solutions.
All this is background to what I really sat down to write about. Yesterday, I was thinking for the millionth time about trying an elimination diet to see if that could help my symptoms. Perhaps I could eliminate dairy for a few weeks and observe, and then repeat the experiment with wheat/gluten. At the same time, I think about the reality of binge eating disorder, the way I'm JUST NOW starting to get better and normalize my relationship with all foods, and the fact that forbidding something as common as dairy or wheat might create a real mental and behavioral backlash. I don't want that to happen.
A bit later, I found myself on the Whole9 website. These folks have created a paleo elimination diet called the Whole30. I must have browsed the site for hours, even though I had already familiarized myself with it the first time I researched paleo and primal eating in the middle of last year.
By the time I was done reading, I had concluded I was a weak piece of shit, will probably end up with a cancer diagnosis next month, and will die shortly thereafter. Or if that doesn't happen, I will likely develop multiple sclerosis by age 32 and ruin my husband's life. That I'm killing myself with every bite of grains, dairy, sugar, and legumes I take and if something bad happens to me, I completely deserve it because I completely caused it.
I went to bed miserable and scared, and did not get up until this afternoon. I did not want to deal with my thoughts, feelings, or life in general. When I finally got up and got moving around, I honestly felt hungover from the night before and the first thing I wanted to do is eat both pints of ice cream in my freezer. Two unopened pints of premium, limited edition flavor ice cream that have been sitting there, ignored, for days. That I had been looking forward to savoring at some point, but had no urgency to eat whatsoever. (And these are the kinds of changes I've been so pleased with lately!)
I quickly realized this was a reaction to the fear-inducing material I had read the night before. Either I was starting to think about a strict elimination diet at the back of my mind and therefore creating the urge to rebel or "get it while I still can"--or I was wanting to numb myself from the panic I'm feeling about my health and my apparently suicidal eating of black beans and yogurt. Either way, I did not act upon my fleeting thoughts. I did not binge.
I'm sure there is value in the Whole9 approach. I'm sure they are right about several things. But I am also sure of the following:
I don't respond well to a tough love approach. If you check out the site I'm talking about you will quickly pick up on the tough love/dietary badass tone that many people dig and that I personally find exhausting. I take the "know thyself" bit seriously, and I do know this about myself.
Fear and stress are bad for your health. Surely as bad as canola oil or brown rice. Enough said.
Fear, guilt, and shame are not good foundations for behavioral change in most people. Fear has sparked me into action before, sure, but never sustained action leading to long-term change. And I'm seeking sustainable actions and long-term changes!
Lots of well-meaning, knowledgeable people don't know anything about binge eating disorder and therefore are not equipped to advise someone with it. Even the experts "don't know what they don't know", so to speak. It still amazes me how rare it is to find someone talking about obesity and binge eating and general health in holistic brain-body terms. In most discussions, it seems we are either all brains or all body.
So, I need to go to the doctor. I may experiment with reducing or eliminating dairy and/or wheat and/or gluten in the future, on my own terms. I cannot disrupt the progress I'm making with my eating disorder right now. And I need to stay far, far away from nutrition websites. Especially the badass kind.
Edit: In the spirit of honesty and also because my food record for the week clearly states it, I want to record here that I did binge later in the day, after writing this post. Nothing like my old binges in terms of amounts, but I would classify it as a binge nonetheless because of my mindset and approach at the time of eating.
Showing posts with label essays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label essays. Show all posts
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
The answer isn't out there
For years, I’ve tried to figure out the right way to have sweets—the foods I have historically overeaten and binged on. I wanted to know how could I eat them--or NOT eat them--without feeling tortured. I’ve written about this before. Sometimes I tried to come up with my own system, and sometimes I’ve looked to others for help.
I tried the no-S diet for some time, which says you should only have sugary treats on “S” days—Saturdays, Sundays, and Special Days, defined as major holidays and personal events like birthdays and anniversaries. (There were other components to the diet, which you can read about *here*.) The creator of this plan is a sensible guy and in no way condoned binging on S days, but I personally couldn’t stop binging and ultimately abandoned the plan.
Still thinking there was an answer somewhere “out there”, I went on to try Overeaters Anonymous for several months. My sponsor and the vast majority of people I met there advocated total abstention from desserts. My dislike of OA probably calls for its own series of posts at some point, but for now, it’s enough to note that a philosophy of total and lifelong abstention (even if viewed through the lens of “it’s not forever, it’s just one day at a time, tee hee!”) didn’t sit well with me.
(A classic OA’er response would be that I couldn’t handle total abstention because I’m incapable of honesty, or because I haven’t truly turned my problem over to a Higher Power, or because I’m too deep into my addiction, or whatever other thing they’ve heard parroted a million times in OA books and meetings. And my response to THAT would be: Sure, alright. Have fun attending meetings several nights a week for the rest of your life, and remaining obsessed with food and eating--albeit in a different way than you were before joining OA. Enjoy feeling that catastrophe is one missed meeting or Reese’s cup away. Enjoy not thinking for yourself. Enjoy the concept of powerlessness. Hey, is that sugar free Kool-Aid over there?)
Ugh. See?! On the topic of OA, I just can’t help myself.
So, more time passed. I started to read Mark’s Daily Apple and explore the paleo/primal philosophy and online community. I took some steps in that direction, but before long the whole thing struck me as too extreme and, perhaps ironically, too reminiscent of my days as a vegetarian. (Again, another post for another day.) Anyway, Paleo proponents tell you to kick sugar and wheat flour (and sometimes dairy, depending on the expert) to the curb, and Paleo dessert recipes sounded more like punishments than treats to me. So that wasn’t going to work much better than outright abstention.
When I wasn’t trying out someone else’s suggested plan or solution, I was asking myself questions like:
1. Should I stick only to gourmet and homemade treats? Maybe the cheap junky stuff I grew up with is the real problem because of the convenience factor and emotional ties I have to things like Little Debbie snack cakes.
2. Should I try having a tiny treat each day? Many people advocate that.
3. Or would it be better to have a normal or even large amount, but only have it once a week? Lots of people talk about weekly “cheat days” and it seems to work for them.
4. Should I modify no-S and keep sweets just for holidays and personal special days, which don’t occur weekly, and not have sweets on regular Saturdays and Sundays since that’s too much and I failed at regular no-S in the past?
5. Should I give myself permission to have one treat from each “category” of dessert, spread out over the course of the month? As in, choose one dairy-based thing, one baked good, one kind of candy, and one sweet drink to enjoy, once apiece, and that’s it for the month?
6. Should I not make any specific resolutions about the amount or type of dessert, and just let myself have anything I want during PMS week, since that’s when I crave crap the most? Maybe if I behaved the rest of the month, it would even out.
On and on this went--the musings of an obsessed person, desperate for answers. Desperate for something between binging and total, lifelong abstention.
These questions subsided for a short while after reading “Brain Over Binge.” Suddenly, it didn’t matter what the treat was, or how often I was having it, or for what occasions, as long as I wasn’t binging on it. I could have a little, or an average amount, or even a bit more than average, as long as it wasn’t a binge. What a relief!
Now, however, I’m a month into not binging, and the question of the “right” way to have sweets has resurfaced. The cessation of binging is the basic foundation I needed, no doubt about it. But I do have a significant amount of weight to lose as well as a problem with emotional eating, and how much/how often I eat sugary treats is going to affect my progress on those fronts. The author of “Brain Over Binge” doesn’t give specific dietary recommendations, so I can’t look to her for the answer on sweets. (The lack of such recommendations is only appropriate, given the focus of her book, the arguments she’s making about binge eating recovery, and her credentials. I respect her as much for what's in the book as I do for what she left out of it.)
Hmm, so if that author doesn’t have the answer…where to look next?
Then it dawned on me. The long-term answer regarding sweets is not “out there” somewhere. There is no magic pattern of specific days, specific intervals, specific treats, and/or specific amounts that will make everything easy for me. The answer lies in me and the development of my own self-control.
I know, I know. Facepalm in 3…2…1.
What I really want is to be able to trust myself in ANY scenario. It’s what I’ve wanted all along: the ability to make a rational decision that takes my normal human desire for pleasure, my desire for weight loss, and my other health concerns into account, backed up by the ability to stick to that decision. Whatever the situation, I don’t want to be swayed by my lower brain in the heat of the moment.
I want to be able to eat a little bit every day, or a little bit rather frequently, if I decide that’s appropriate. I want to be able to eat a normal-sized amount but then not have anything for awhile afterward, if that’s the rational choice I’ve made beforehand. I want to be able to completely abstain from dessert for as long as I deem necessary, if I deem it necessary. I want to know that whether it’s the cheapest shit out there or the most gourmet, I won’t lose control. That I can trust myself.
The ability to do all these things is important because I expect different approaches to be useful at different times. For example:
During the holidays, when there are social gatherings and rich foods at every turn, it would be good to have confidence in my ability to savor a small amount of something every day (or most days). I’d like to know I can enjoy 3-5 bites of something and stop there. The same thing applies to travel and vacations. People often gain weight when they go someplace new because they are eager to enjoy as many local specialties as possible. I want to try new things when I travel too, but eating a full serving (or multiple servings) of dessert every day for a week or two could very well result in weight gain. Daily sampling is a good compromise between total abstention and gorging. Believe me, I have gorged on gelato in Italy, stroopwafels in the Netherlands, chocolate in Switzerland, and pastries in Austria because I couldn’t bear the thought of missing out, and also couldn’t be satisfied with just a little. I understood my options to be EVERYTHING or NOTHING, because I wasn’t capable of anything in between at the time.
Different scenario now. Say my bloodwork comes back and I find out I’m prediabetic or diabetic. Or I get pregnant and develop gestational diabetes. Or I have a special event coming up and want to drop a few pounds to look as good as possible. Whatever the reason--if the route most aligned with my current concerns and goals is to completely abstain from desserts for awhile, I want to have confidence in my ability to do that…and in my ability to NOT go crazy when the period of abstention ends.
Or, say that I simply want to have an entire ice cream cone or a big piece of cake once in a while (not a few bites, but the whole thing, perhaps on my birthday?), yet I don’t want to gain weight or harm my health by initiating a downward spiral of overeating. I’d like to know I’m able to eat the whole serving and move on, skipping treats for some time afterwards in order to balance everything out.
As time goes on, my husband and I tend to go the homemade or gourmet route for our desserts. But when I’m with the rest of my immediate family, which happens a few times a year, I’m confronted by the Pop-tarts and Nutty Bars of my youth. And I want to trust myself around everything. Even within the category of homemade/gourmet, I currently have more confidence around baked goods and candy than I do around ice cream and other dairy treats. I ultimately want confidence around it all.
The only way to develop these abilities and this confidence is to practice. Practice periods of abstention, practice having a little bit many days in a row, practice having an average or even large-ish amount at more spaced out intervals. Practice with crème brulee, practice with Lucky Charms. So that’s what I’m going to start doing. I will write more about it as I'm doing it.
I wonder what other answers are staring me right in the face each time I look into the mirror?
I tried the no-S diet for some time, which says you should only have sugary treats on “S” days—Saturdays, Sundays, and Special Days, defined as major holidays and personal events like birthdays and anniversaries. (There were other components to the diet, which you can read about *here*.) The creator of this plan is a sensible guy and in no way condoned binging on S days, but I personally couldn’t stop binging and ultimately abandoned the plan.
Still thinking there was an answer somewhere “out there”, I went on to try Overeaters Anonymous for several months. My sponsor and the vast majority of people I met there advocated total abstention from desserts. My dislike of OA probably calls for its own series of posts at some point, but for now, it’s enough to note that a philosophy of total and lifelong abstention (even if viewed through the lens of “it’s not forever, it’s just one day at a time, tee hee!”) didn’t sit well with me.
(A classic OA’er response would be that I couldn’t handle total abstention because I’m incapable of honesty, or because I haven’t truly turned my problem over to a Higher Power, or because I’m too deep into my addiction, or whatever other thing they’ve heard parroted a million times in OA books and meetings. And my response to THAT would be: Sure, alright. Have fun attending meetings several nights a week for the rest of your life, and remaining obsessed with food and eating--albeit in a different way than you were before joining OA. Enjoy feeling that catastrophe is one missed meeting or Reese’s cup away. Enjoy not thinking for yourself. Enjoy the concept of powerlessness. Hey, is that sugar free Kool-Aid over there?)
Ugh. See?! On the topic of OA, I just can’t help myself.
So, more time passed. I started to read Mark’s Daily Apple and explore the paleo/primal philosophy and online community. I took some steps in that direction, but before long the whole thing struck me as too extreme and, perhaps ironically, too reminiscent of my days as a vegetarian. (Again, another post for another day.) Anyway, Paleo proponents tell you to kick sugar and wheat flour (and sometimes dairy, depending on the expert) to the curb, and Paleo dessert recipes sounded more like punishments than treats to me. So that wasn’t going to work much better than outright abstention.
When I wasn’t trying out someone else’s suggested plan or solution, I was asking myself questions like:
1. Should I stick only to gourmet and homemade treats? Maybe the cheap junky stuff I grew up with is the real problem because of the convenience factor and emotional ties I have to things like Little Debbie snack cakes.
2. Should I try having a tiny treat each day? Many people advocate that.
3. Or would it be better to have a normal or even large amount, but only have it once a week? Lots of people talk about weekly “cheat days” and it seems to work for them.
4. Should I modify no-S and keep sweets just for holidays and personal special days, which don’t occur weekly, and not have sweets on regular Saturdays and Sundays since that’s too much and I failed at regular no-S in the past?
5. Should I give myself permission to have one treat from each “category” of dessert, spread out over the course of the month? As in, choose one dairy-based thing, one baked good, one kind of candy, and one sweet drink to enjoy, once apiece, and that’s it for the month?
6. Should I not make any specific resolutions about the amount or type of dessert, and just let myself have anything I want during PMS week, since that’s when I crave crap the most? Maybe if I behaved the rest of the month, it would even out.
On and on this went--the musings of an obsessed person, desperate for answers. Desperate for something between binging and total, lifelong abstention.
These questions subsided for a short while after reading “Brain Over Binge.” Suddenly, it didn’t matter what the treat was, or how often I was having it, or for what occasions, as long as I wasn’t binging on it. I could have a little, or an average amount, or even a bit more than average, as long as it wasn’t a binge. What a relief!
Now, however, I’m a month into not binging, and the question of the “right” way to have sweets has resurfaced. The cessation of binging is the basic foundation I needed, no doubt about it. But I do have a significant amount of weight to lose as well as a problem with emotional eating, and how much/how often I eat sugary treats is going to affect my progress on those fronts. The author of “Brain Over Binge” doesn’t give specific dietary recommendations, so I can’t look to her for the answer on sweets. (The lack of such recommendations is only appropriate, given the focus of her book, the arguments she’s making about binge eating recovery, and her credentials. I respect her as much for what's in the book as I do for what she left out of it.)
Hmm, so if that author doesn’t have the answer…where to look next?
Then it dawned on me. The long-term answer regarding sweets is not “out there” somewhere. There is no magic pattern of specific days, specific intervals, specific treats, and/or specific amounts that will make everything easy for me. The answer lies in me and the development of my own self-control.
I know, I know. Facepalm in 3…2…1.
What I really want is to be able to trust myself in ANY scenario. It’s what I’ve wanted all along: the ability to make a rational decision that takes my normal human desire for pleasure, my desire for weight loss, and my other health concerns into account, backed up by the ability to stick to that decision. Whatever the situation, I don’t want to be swayed by my lower brain in the heat of the moment.
I want to be able to eat a little bit every day, or a little bit rather frequently, if I decide that’s appropriate. I want to be able to eat a normal-sized amount but then not have anything for awhile afterward, if that’s the rational choice I’ve made beforehand. I want to be able to completely abstain from dessert for as long as I deem necessary, if I deem it necessary. I want to know that whether it’s the cheapest shit out there or the most gourmet, I won’t lose control. That I can trust myself.
The ability to do all these things is important because I expect different approaches to be useful at different times. For example:
During the holidays, when there are social gatherings and rich foods at every turn, it would be good to have confidence in my ability to savor a small amount of something every day (or most days). I’d like to know I can enjoy 3-5 bites of something and stop there. The same thing applies to travel and vacations. People often gain weight when they go someplace new because they are eager to enjoy as many local specialties as possible. I want to try new things when I travel too, but eating a full serving (or multiple servings) of dessert every day for a week or two could very well result in weight gain. Daily sampling is a good compromise between total abstention and gorging. Believe me, I have gorged on gelato in Italy, stroopwafels in the Netherlands, chocolate in Switzerland, and pastries in Austria because I couldn’t bear the thought of missing out, and also couldn’t be satisfied with just a little. I understood my options to be EVERYTHING or NOTHING, because I wasn’t capable of anything in between at the time.
Different scenario now. Say my bloodwork comes back and I find out I’m prediabetic or diabetic. Or I get pregnant and develop gestational diabetes. Or I have a special event coming up and want to drop a few pounds to look as good as possible. Whatever the reason--if the route most aligned with my current concerns and goals is to completely abstain from desserts for awhile, I want to have confidence in my ability to do that…and in my ability to NOT go crazy when the period of abstention ends.
Or, say that I simply want to have an entire ice cream cone or a big piece of cake once in a while (not a few bites, but the whole thing, perhaps on my birthday?), yet I don’t want to gain weight or harm my health by initiating a downward spiral of overeating. I’d like to know I’m able to eat the whole serving and move on, skipping treats for some time afterwards in order to balance everything out.
As time goes on, my husband and I tend to go the homemade or gourmet route for our desserts. But when I’m with the rest of my immediate family, which happens a few times a year, I’m confronted by the Pop-tarts and Nutty Bars of my youth. And I want to trust myself around everything. Even within the category of homemade/gourmet, I currently have more confidence around baked goods and candy than I do around ice cream and other dairy treats. I ultimately want confidence around it all.
The only way to develop these abilities and this confidence is to practice. Practice periods of abstention, practice having a little bit many days in a row, practice having an average or even large-ish amount at more spaced out intervals. Practice with crème brulee, practice with Lucky Charms. So that’s what I’m going to start doing. I will write more about it as I'm doing it.
I wonder what other answers are staring me right in the face each time I look into the mirror?
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Herding Cats
So it seems I can look after a couple of things simultaneously, like exercise plus eating vegetables, or mindful eating plus drinking enough water, or meditation plus exercise. But when I try to bring all these good things together, it's like herding cats. And I'm both the herder and the insane group of cats.
I'm not terribly disheartened, because it still feels like a miracle to me to not be binging several times each week. I feel it will all come together at some point if I keep working at it.
Lately, my focus on eating vegetables and gently reducing carbs has been displaced by a focus on mindful eating. I'm eating lots of unhealthy food in sane portions, and doing it mindfully. I was mindful at McDonald's yesterday, as strange as that sounds. Part of me feels guilty about not eating enough nutritious foods, and another part of me is downright gleeful that I'm able to eat desserts and pizza and all the rest now without gorging myself and feeling obsessed with getting my next fix. I have chocolate chips in the house; I have Valentine's candy purchased for my husband and hidden away for now. Neither item is torturing me with its mere presence, the way it would have in the recent past. I'm amazed.
Hopefully, the novelty of this will pass and I will be able to strike a better balance between practical, nutritious foods and pleasurable, indulgent foods soon. I do know that after finishing a small Shamrock shake last night, I was slightly disappointed in myself because my intention was to drink half and throw the rest away. Instead, I finished the whole thing, and then questioned the wisdom of putting that much sugar into my body at once. I also questioned whether my animal brain had defeated me in this instance, because I failed to carry out my sensible plan to only drink half.
The same thing happened with a smoothie at Panera's a couple of days before. I meant to drink half. I paid close attention to my drink and noticed the flavor changing as well as the sensation in my mouth and throat becoming less pleasant after a certain point: diminishing returns had kicked in. But it was still pleasurable enough for me to keep going, even as my higher self said "stop! NOW! right now! Get up and throw this thing into the trash!"
I've concluded that the ability to not finish something delicious you've started is a more advanced skill than the skill of not starting in the first place, or the skill of throwing away half of something before you ever take the first taste. And yes, I think these are all skills that can be developed. After the incidents with the smoothie and the shake, I've concluded that I should discard half of such hyperpalatable drinks before I take a single taste, because that's my current level of skill. If I want to enjoy something but not take in too much sugar, this is a good way for me to accomplish that.
Down the road, I expect myself to be able to stop halfway through something and walk away from it more consistently. Right now, I can do that with pastries and candy more easily than I can with dairy-based things like mousse, yogurt smoothies, and ice cream. Who knows why, but that's been my experience. Just tonight I shared a small, high quality piece of cake with my husband at a bakery-cafe. He brought home this ridiculously tiny square from his half to eat later. I would have found that maddening in the past, but I can handle it now. If we had been sharing ice cream instead of cake, however, I would have eaten the last bit then and there, no doubt.
I tell myself: all in good time. The reality is I have almost 30 years of bad habits and non-awareness programmed into me, and the rest of my life to learn a new way.
p.s. That's not my cat. My only pet is a blue betta fish named Alpha, who gobbles food admirably in his own right.
I'm not terribly disheartened, because it still feels like a miracle to me to not be binging several times each week. I feel it will all come together at some point if I keep working at it.
Lately, my focus on eating vegetables and gently reducing carbs has been displaced by a focus on mindful eating. I'm eating lots of unhealthy food in sane portions, and doing it mindfully. I was mindful at McDonald's yesterday, as strange as that sounds. Part of me feels guilty about not eating enough nutritious foods, and another part of me is downright gleeful that I'm able to eat desserts and pizza and all the rest now without gorging myself and feeling obsessed with getting my next fix. I have chocolate chips in the house; I have Valentine's candy purchased for my husband and hidden away for now. Neither item is torturing me with its mere presence, the way it would have in the recent past. I'm amazed.
Hopefully, the novelty of this will pass and I will be able to strike a better balance between practical, nutritious foods and pleasurable, indulgent foods soon. I do know that after finishing a small Shamrock shake last night, I was slightly disappointed in myself because my intention was to drink half and throw the rest away. Instead, I finished the whole thing, and then questioned the wisdom of putting that much sugar into my body at once. I also questioned whether my animal brain had defeated me in this instance, because I failed to carry out my sensible plan to only drink half.
The same thing happened with a smoothie at Panera's a couple of days before. I meant to drink half. I paid close attention to my drink and noticed the flavor changing as well as the sensation in my mouth and throat becoming less pleasant after a certain point: diminishing returns had kicked in. But it was still pleasurable enough for me to keep going, even as my higher self said "stop! NOW! right now! Get up and throw this thing into the trash!"
I've concluded that the ability to not finish something delicious you've started is a more advanced skill than the skill of not starting in the first place, or the skill of throwing away half of something before you ever take the first taste. And yes, I think these are all skills that can be developed. After the incidents with the smoothie and the shake, I've concluded that I should discard half of such hyperpalatable drinks before I take a single taste, because that's my current level of skill. If I want to enjoy something but not take in too much sugar, this is a good way for me to accomplish that.
Down the road, I expect myself to be able to stop halfway through something and walk away from it more consistently. Right now, I can do that with pastries and candy more easily than I can with dairy-based things like mousse, yogurt smoothies, and ice cream. Who knows why, but that's been my experience. Just tonight I shared a small, high quality piece of cake with my husband at a bakery-cafe. He brought home this ridiculously tiny square from his half to eat later. I would have found that maddening in the past, but I can handle it now. If we had been sharing ice cream instead of cake, however, I would have eaten the last bit then and there, no doubt.
I tell myself: all in good time. The reality is I have almost 30 years of bad habits and non-awareness programmed into me, and the rest of my life to learn a new way.
p.s. That's not my cat. My only pet is a blue betta fish named Alpha, who gobbles food admirably in his own right.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Different types of Emotional Eating
I'm starting to see more shades of gray, and it's good.
There is a difference between emotional eating, emotional overeating, mindful emotional eating, non-emotional overeating, and binge eating. I haven't binged since reading "Brain Over Binge", but I have done all of these other things.
Last night is the first time I ever experimented with mindful emotional eating. It's a concept I read about in Pavel Somov's book, "Eating the Moment", over a year ago. (There is an excellent little article by Somov about this concept *here*. I'm a big fan of his work!) I had the worst evening I've had in a long time due to a relationship meltdown; several long-standing problems surfaced and I was confronted with them all at once. After hours of crying had produced a pounding headache, I sat on the couch and thought "a couple of chocolate chip cookie dough balls from the freezer would make me feel better. That is simple fact. They would soothe the tension in my head and body like medicine. They wouldn't solve my problems, but they would bring me some immediate physical and emotional relief."
I didn't act on this thought right away. But it kept resurfacing as I went about other activities. And then I decided I was going to slowly, calmly, and mindfully carry out a clear episode of emotional eating. I knew I wasn't going to overeat or binge. I knew I was going to eat exactly two cookies, make them last, and give them all of my attention. And that's exactly what I did. I brought them to the couch, wrapped myself up in a blanket, and savored them for somewhere between 10 and 15 minutes.
When I was done, I felt better. And I had learned something: when a crisis hits, it IS possible to self-soothe with food and yet NOT OVEREAT OR BINGE. I didn't feel guilty or sick when I was done, and I didn't regret my choice the next day. Not one bit. It's not that I want eating--even mindful eating--to be my default response to emotional stress. But this was a very important lesson for me; I needed to see that everything is not so black and white. Even if I turn to food in the worst of times, I don't have to do it according to my old ways of doing it.
Over time, I will work on eliminating all emotional and "regular" overeating (the latter happens when you are fine emotionally, but the food you're eating tastes so damn good that it's hard to stop at a sensible portion, and everyone I know experiences this from time to time). And perhaps after that, I will be stricter about all emotional eating--even the kind that is mindful and only leads to 2 cookies. I simply don't know at this point.
What I do know right now is that I'm committed to NOT BINGING, and I'm alright with the gray areas in this long process of learning to eat, think, and cope differently. Perfectionism and impatience brought me all the way up the scale, so I don't believe they can bring me back down. I have to try a different way.
See also:
There is a difference between emotional eating, emotional overeating, mindful emotional eating, non-emotional overeating, and binge eating. I haven't binged since reading "Brain Over Binge", but I have done all of these other things.
Last night is the first time I ever experimented with mindful emotional eating. It's a concept I read about in Pavel Somov's book, "Eating the Moment", over a year ago. (There is an excellent little article by Somov about this concept *here*. I'm a big fan of his work!) I had the worst evening I've had in a long time due to a relationship meltdown; several long-standing problems surfaced and I was confronted with them all at once. After hours of crying had produced a pounding headache, I sat on the couch and thought "a couple of chocolate chip cookie dough balls from the freezer would make me feel better. That is simple fact. They would soothe the tension in my head and body like medicine. They wouldn't solve my problems, but they would bring me some immediate physical and emotional relief."
I didn't act on this thought right away. But it kept resurfacing as I went about other activities. And then I decided I was going to slowly, calmly, and mindfully carry out a clear episode of emotional eating. I knew I wasn't going to overeat or binge. I knew I was going to eat exactly two cookies, make them last, and give them all of my attention. And that's exactly what I did. I brought them to the couch, wrapped myself up in a blanket, and savored them for somewhere between 10 and 15 minutes.
When I was done, I felt better. And I had learned something: when a crisis hits, it IS possible to self-soothe with food and yet NOT OVEREAT OR BINGE. I didn't feel guilty or sick when I was done, and I didn't regret my choice the next day. Not one bit. It's not that I want eating--even mindful eating--to be my default response to emotional stress. But this was a very important lesson for me; I needed to see that everything is not so black and white. Even if I turn to food in the worst of times, I don't have to do it according to my old ways of doing it.
Over time, I will work on eliminating all emotional and "regular" overeating (the latter happens when you are fine emotionally, but the food you're eating tastes so damn good that it's hard to stop at a sensible portion, and everyone I know experiences this from time to time). And perhaps after that, I will be stricter about all emotional eating--even the kind that is mindful and only leads to 2 cookies. I simply don't know at this point.
What I do know right now is that I'm committed to NOT BINGING, and I'm alright with the gray areas in this long process of learning to eat, think, and cope differently. Perfectionism and impatience brought me all the way up the scale, so I don't believe they can bring me back down. I have to try a different way.
See also:
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Separating my goals
Stop binge eating. Eat healthier. Exercise more. Lose weight.
Over time, I've made these individual goals into one big, formidable, jumbled, mountainous goal. I might as well state the goal as: do EVERYTHING differently, NOW!
It's almost to the point that I dislike the word "goal" and want to replace it with intent or plan or project or something else that's less loaded for me.
Anyway, I'm starting to separate all these worthy objectives in my mind. The cessation of binge eating is a different objective than "eat more nutritious foods, more often." Exercise doesn't depend on diet (which isn't to say that diet doesn't affect exercise performance). And losing weight is a goal that one can only pursue indirectly, via action goals like "eat better" and "eat less" and "exercise more".
(Um, asking myself what the point of this rambling is...I'm just trying to gather my thoughts, I guess.)
1. Stopping the binges is my most important objective.
2. "Eat healthier" is vague, so let me state my intention to eat at least one vegetable every day and to stop multi-tasking during meals so I can be more aware of portion sizes and satiety. (2 veggies and a fruit every day would be great; I would be proud of that.)
3. I'd like to do 2 cardio sessions, 2 strength training sessions, and 2 stretching (yoga and similar) sessions each week, and to work out at least 3 days per week. (I'd have to two 2 different things each day, like yoga+cardio or strength+yoga to get this all done in 3 days, which is why I think most weeks I'd need 4 or 5 days to get it all done.) I don't care whether it's at the gym, at home, or some combination thereof. I don't care which days of the week or what time of day. I'm done trying to figure out a perfect, foolproof, consistent workout routine in terms of days and activities. My life is too unstructured for that, so I'm going to try the approach of fitting in activity wherever I can manage while having an overall objective for the week.
4. I'd like to weigh 200 pounds again. Ultimately less, but for right now, that's what I want to accomplish. No longer binge eating would take me most of the way there, and a better diet and more exercise will take me the rest of the way. But I think it's important to separate these components in my mind so that a screw up in one area isn't used as a justification to slack off in the other areas. Skipping vegetables doesn't justify skipping exercise. Missing a couple workouts doesn't mean it's okay to binge. Overeating at brunch doesn't justify a lack of vegetables at dinner.
In other words, it's not an all-or-nothing proposition anymore.
Over time, I've made these individual goals into one big, formidable, jumbled, mountainous goal. I might as well state the goal as: do EVERYTHING differently, NOW!
It's almost to the point that I dislike the word "goal" and want to replace it with intent or plan or project or something else that's less loaded for me.
Anyway, I'm starting to separate all these worthy objectives in my mind. The cessation of binge eating is a different objective than "eat more nutritious foods, more often." Exercise doesn't depend on diet (which isn't to say that diet doesn't affect exercise performance). And losing weight is a goal that one can only pursue indirectly, via action goals like "eat better" and "eat less" and "exercise more".
(Um, asking myself what the point of this rambling is...I'm just trying to gather my thoughts, I guess.)
1. Stopping the binges is my most important objective.
2. "Eat healthier" is vague, so let me state my intention to eat at least one vegetable every day and to stop multi-tasking during meals so I can be more aware of portion sizes and satiety. (2 veggies and a fruit every day would be great; I would be proud of that.)
3. I'd like to do 2 cardio sessions, 2 strength training sessions, and 2 stretching (yoga and similar) sessions each week, and to work out at least 3 days per week. (I'd have to two 2 different things each day, like yoga+cardio or strength+yoga to get this all done in 3 days, which is why I think most weeks I'd need 4 or 5 days to get it all done.) I don't care whether it's at the gym, at home, or some combination thereof. I don't care which days of the week or what time of day. I'm done trying to figure out a perfect, foolproof, consistent workout routine in terms of days and activities. My life is too unstructured for that, so I'm going to try the approach of fitting in activity wherever I can manage while having an overall objective for the week.
4. I'd like to weigh 200 pounds again. Ultimately less, but for right now, that's what I want to accomplish. No longer binge eating would take me most of the way there, and a better diet and more exercise will take me the rest of the way. But I think it's important to separate these components in my mind so that a screw up in one area isn't used as a justification to slack off in the other areas. Skipping vegetables doesn't justify skipping exercise. Missing a couple workouts doesn't mean it's okay to binge. Overeating at brunch doesn't justify a lack of vegetables at dinner.
In other words, it's not an all-or-nothing proposition anymore.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
My struggle with basic functioning
This is hard to explain.
I have steady low-grade depression, with periods of major depression mixed in. I'm doing better than I have in a long time when it comes to thinking positively/neutrally, and not identifying with transient negative thoughts and feelings. I'm more mindful than I was a year or two ago.
But I'm not that much more functional. My sleep cycles are messed up, I have trouble getting stuff done, and I struggle with consistency and routine...for starters. What I'm writing about today sits at the intersection of these problems: I do not get up in the morning and get ready for the day (take a shower, get dressed, perhaps apply some makeup) like a normal person. I haven't done this with any regularity for a long time. It's insanely difficult for me. Ask me to do this for 30 consecutive days--or ask me to complete a major home improvement project in a month's time or write a book in a month's time, and I would find the latter two challenges easier.
This has consequences. I usually only get cleaned up and dressed in non-lounging clothes right before I have to go somewhere. This could be rather late in the day, or not at all. (If you are wondering about work, I currently write from home.) There are so many days where I don't have to be anywhere, so I wear the same thing I slept in the night before all day. Guess how motivated I am to attend a class at the gym when it means I have to shower and make myself presentable first? I would say sleeping in late and being too grungy to go out in public accounts for 75-85% of my pattern of skipping the gym despite good intentions the day before.
It's not just the gym, obviously. Everything is made more difficult by this; running errands, having an impromptu outing with my husband, answering the front door when someone rings!
This behavior was modeled to me by my mother. She and my sisters are still very much this way; it's not just me. But I'm an adult now and pointing fingers will get me nowhere. I want to change.
I'm not sure how I'm going to fix this. I need to sleep like a regular human being even though my body wants to go to bed at 3 a.m. and wake up in the early afternoon. Even though it resists all attempts at reform. I need to take care of my grooming in the morning and at night like everyone else does, and make full use of the day instead of letting it pass me by.
I'm going to start tracking some part of this puzzle in a tab above labeled "basic functioning." (Edit: tab has now been removed. I tracked my odd sleeping patterns and concluded I have Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome.) This is the direction I see my blog heading, by the way. I want to explore (and fix) the ways in which various areas of my life drive and sustain my eating and weight problem. It's all connected--my thoughts, habits, identity, binge eating, depression, family history, dietary choices, hobbies, physical activity, grooming, career, spirituality, home environment, relationships... It's a tangled web with each point connected to every other point.
I'm talking about everything in relation to weight as though weight loss is the central goal, but really I hope to improve it all. Besides, I don't think I can keep excess weight off for any length of time unless I become a different person in several ways. I really don't.
I have steady low-grade depression, with periods of major depression mixed in. I'm doing better than I have in a long time when it comes to thinking positively/neutrally, and not identifying with transient negative thoughts and feelings. I'm more mindful than I was a year or two ago.
But I'm not that much more functional. My sleep cycles are messed up, I have trouble getting stuff done, and I struggle with consistency and routine...for starters. What I'm writing about today sits at the intersection of these problems: I do not get up in the morning and get ready for the day (take a shower, get dressed, perhaps apply some makeup) like a normal person. I haven't done this with any regularity for a long time. It's insanely difficult for me. Ask me to do this for 30 consecutive days--or ask me to complete a major home improvement project in a month's time or write a book in a month's time, and I would find the latter two challenges easier.
This has consequences. I usually only get cleaned up and dressed in non-lounging clothes right before I have to go somewhere. This could be rather late in the day, or not at all. (If you are wondering about work, I currently write from home.) There are so many days where I don't have to be anywhere, so I wear the same thing I slept in the night before all day. Guess how motivated I am to attend a class at the gym when it means I have to shower and make myself presentable first? I would say sleeping in late and being too grungy to go out in public accounts for 75-85% of my pattern of skipping the gym despite good intentions the day before.
It's not just the gym, obviously. Everything is made more difficult by this; running errands, having an impromptu outing with my husband, answering the front door when someone rings!
This behavior was modeled to me by my mother. She and my sisters are still very much this way; it's not just me. But I'm an adult now and pointing fingers will get me nowhere. I want to change.
I'm not sure how I'm going to fix this. I need to sleep like a regular human being even though my body wants to go to bed at 3 a.m. and wake up in the early afternoon. Even though it resists all attempts at reform. I need to take care of my grooming in the morning and at night like everyone else does, and make full use of the day instead of letting it pass me by.
I'm going to start tracking some part of this puzzle in a tab above labeled "basic functioning." (Edit: tab has now been removed. I tracked my odd sleeping patterns and concluded I have Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome.) This is the direction I see my blog heading, by the way. I want to explore (and fix) the ways in which various areas of my life drive and sustain my eating and weight problem. It's all connected--my thoughts, habits, identity, binge eating, depression, family history, dietary choices, hobbies, physical activity, grooming, career, spirituality, home environment, relationships... It's a tangled web with each point connected to every other point.
I'm talking about everything in relation to weight as though weight loss is the central goal, but really I hope to improve it all. Besides, I don't think I can keep excess weight off for any length of time unless I become a different person in several ways. I really don't.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Husband on board?
Tonight, my husband and I were out eating dinner and he starts telling me about a guy at his dojo that has transformed his body by cutting out carbs. I wanted to smack my forehead. Or maybe his. I've been trying to sell him on moving in a more primal or paleo direction with me for some time, to no avail! And now he says he'd like to try eating more "like that guy." Okay, so I've got an opportunity on my hands. I know I'll forever love my sweets and my south Indian husband is forever going to love his rice, but we can make most of our meals a low carb affair together. Hooray!
Then he tells me that he's got to have a VARIETY of vegetable side dishes at any given meal if he is to successfully slash his rice intake. Apparently, he can't eat a piece of meat and a side of greens and be satisfied like me. But there's no way I'm cooking five types of vegetables for lunch and three more types for dinner; if he wants more than I'm already making, he's going to have to make it himself. I care about him and his health (he is a healthy weight, by the way), but I also care about my sanity and my ability to keep cooking fresh meals. Having to do more than I feel is reasonable is a surefire way for me to become resentful and ditch the whole low carb cooking venture.
So in the end, I'm not planning on changing my current approach much at all. I'll keep adding to my vegetable repertoire; he really liked the roasted beets and sauteed beet greens I made the other day for the first time. And I'm going to figure out some nice low carb Indian meals for his enjoyment. I'm thinking tandoori chicken and curried cauliflower, for starters. I will continue to insist we start going to restaurants that serve something other than piles of cheap starch, even if it means paying more and eating out less frequently.
With us, it's clearly a matter of "direction, not perfection"...but I like where we are headed.
Then he tells me that he's got to have a VARIETY of vegetable side dishes at any given meal if he is to successfully slash his rice intake. Apparently, he can't eat a piece of meat and a side of greens and be satisfied like me. But there's no way I'm cooking five types of vegetables for lunch and three more types for dinner; if he wants more than I'm already making, he's going to have to make it himself. I care about him and his health (he is a healthy weight, by the way), but I also care about my sanity and my ability to keep cooking fresh meals. Having to do more than I feel is reasonable is a surefire way for me to become resentful and ditch the whole low carb cooking venture.
So in the end, I'm not planning on changing my current approach much at all. I'll keep adding to my vegetable repertoire; he really liked the roasted beets and sauteed beet greens I made the other day for the first time. And I'm going to figure out some nice low carb Indian meals for his enjoyment. I'm thinking tandoori chicken and curried cauliflower, for starters. I will continue to insist we start going to restaurants that serve something other than piles of cheap starch, even if it means paying more and eating out less frequently.
With us, it's clearly a matter of "direction, not perfection"...but I like where we are headed.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Experiment
I've made a conscious effort to avoid nutrition websites, debates, and the like lately. I'm not watching The Biggest Loser or any other weight loss shows this fall. I'm not picking up cookbooks or magazines for new recipes. I try not to check the couple of diet blogs I follow as frequently. And you know what? I feel so much better. There's more space in my head for other interesting things.
An unexpected thing has happened with my eating. My meals and snacks are fairly low carb, and that's cool. Yet I'm still eating desserts--regular ones, not low carb ones. It has been easier for me to skip bread, pasta, rice, and other starchy staples than it has for me to give up ice cream and baked goods. But the overall effect of embracing what comes easiest to me is that I'm eating fewer carbs overall! And that is progress! Instead of two or three plates of pasta followed by dessert, it's now meat and vegetables followed by dessert. This feels better. Oh, it's far from smart eating, but it's smarter than what I'd been doing for years and years.
Sugar is a drug. Desserts are legal drugs. I know this. Even so, every time I told myself that I "had to" or "needed to" stop eating sweets, I felt deprived, resentful, and anxious (because I am addicted to them). I've tried the abstinence route--complete with a stint in OA, had a sponsor, the whole deal--and I've gone the other route with intuitive eating-type philosophies, which claim that listening to one's body and declaring nothing off limits will transform desserts from forbidden fruits into insignificant foodstuffs. Well, I hated OA for so many reasons (perhaps I will write about that in the future) and my desire for sweets never lessened through intuitive eating or allowing myself to have whatever I wanted in whatever amounts. For a time I tried the No-S diet, which allowed sweets on Saturdays, Sundays, and special days like holidays and birthdays; you can read about it here. Most recently I have explored paleo/primal/low carb eating, but my dessert anxieties and obsessions continued. The idea of eating sad little almond flour/coconut flake paleo cookies or whatever on Christmas is enough to make me want to whip up a batch of iced sugar cookie Santa heads right now.
What's finally making me feel sane is tuning everyone else out and hearing my own voice. And my own voice says: you are crazy about sugar and you always have been. This carries problems and risks. But the past 30 years show that you are going to keep eating sugar despite these problems and risks. Furthermore, whenever you try to drastically reduce or eliminate your dessert intake, you rebel and go overboard with it in short order. So how about this--just eat less of it, and eat really solid meals and snacks. Don't displace real food with sugary stuff. Save the bulk of your carb intake for dessert, since you like cake more than you like bread. And be a little more selective with your sweets. You're gonna have them regularly, so pass on the crappy stuff and enjoy the really good stuff.
It seems to be working. I am passing over many mass-produced desserts easily now, without those old feelings of suffering. (The result being I'm eating less dessert!) This is due to two things: I know I can make something better at home, something fresh and delicious and free of trans fats. I am allowed to do so. And secondly, I don't want to be some corporation's hopelessly addicted lab rat anymore, responding mindlessly to whatever garbage they package brightly, advertise aggressively, and price cheaply. I am already sugar's bitch, I don't want to be Nabisco's bitch and McDonald's bitch too. So when it comes to dessert, I'd like to mostly stick with the homemade stuff. I love baking and sharing with others and seeing them enjoy what I've made. I know I'm peddling drugs when I do this, but I cannot deny how much I enjoy it and do not see it changing anytime soon.
So, I feel saner. The question is, can I continue to lose weight eating this way? Taking this relaxed approach to sweets? I view this way of eating as an experiment, and will assess the results on my blog in a couple of weeks.
An unexpected thing has happened with my eating. My meals and snacks are fairly low carb, and that's cool. Yet I'm still eating desserts--regular ones, not low carb ones. It has been easier for me to skip bread, pasta, rice, and other starchy staples than it has for me to give up ice cream and baked goods. But the overall effect of embracing what comes easiest to me is that I'm eating fewer carbs overall! And that is progress! Instead of two or three plates of pasta followed by dessert, it's now meat and vegetables followed by dessert. This feels better. Oh, it's far from smart eating, but it's smarter than what I'd been doing for years and years.
Sugar is a drug. Desserts are legal drugs. I know this. Even so, every time I told myself that I "had to" or "needed to" stop eating sweets, I felt deprived, resentful, and anxious (because I am addicted to them). I've tried the abstinence route--complete with a stint in OA, had a sponsor, the whole deal--and I've gone the other route with intuitive eating-type philosophies, which claim that listening to one's body and declaring nothing off limits will transform desserts from forbidden fruits into insignificant foodstuffs. Well, I hated OA for so many reasons (perhaps I will write about that in the future) and my desire for sweets never lessened through intuitive eating or allowing myself to have whatever I wanted in whatever amounts. For a time I tried the No-S diet, which allowed sweets on Saturdays, Sundays, and special days like holidays and birthdays; you can read about it here. Most recently I have explored paleo/primal/low carb eating, but my dessert anxieties and obsessions continued. The idea of eating sad little almond flour/coconut flake paleo cookies or whatever on Christmas is enough to make me want to whip up a batch of iced sugar cookie Santa heads right now.
What's finally making me feel sane is tuning everyone else out and hearing my own voice. And my own voice says: you are crazy about sugar and you always have been. This carries problems and risks. But the past 30 years show that you are going to keep eating sugar despite these problems and risks. Furthermore, whenever you try to drastically reduce or eliminate your dessert intake, you rebel and go overboard with it in short order. So how about this--just eat less of it, and eat really solid meals and snacks. Don't displace real food with sugary stuff. Save the bulk of your carb intake for dessert, since you like cake more than you like bread. And be a little more selective with your sweets. You're gonna have them regularly, so pass on the crappy stuff and enjoy the really good stuff.
It seems to be working. I am passing over many mass-produced desserts easily now, without those old feelings of suffering. (The result being I'm eating less dessert!) This is due to two things: I know I can make something better at home, something fresh and delicious and free of trans fats. I am allowed to do so. And secondly, I don't want to be some corporation's hopelessly addicted lab rat anymore, responding mindlessly to whatever garbage they package brightly, advertise aggressively, and price cheaply. I am already sugar's bitch, I don't want to be Nabisco's bitch and McDonald's bitch too. So when it comes to dessert, I'd like to mostly stick with the homemade stuff. I love baking and sharing with others and seeing them enjoy what I've made. I know I'm peddling drugs when I do this, but I cannot deny how much I enjoy it and do not see it changing anytime soon.
So, I feel saner. The question is, can I continue to lose weight eating this way? Taking this relaxed approach to sweets? I view this way of eating as an experiment, and will assess the results on my blog in a couple of weeks.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Relief
I went to the gym today for the first time in a couple weeks, and it was such a relief to get back into the swing of things. I was anxious to weigh myself on the gym scale (which is what I use for my official records) because I was expecting a significant regain. I've been binge eating alot lately, not exercising, and feeling totally out of control.
Somehow, I was only up two pounds.
I blew through a quick strength training workout without any cardio warmup or stretching afterwards. This is not how I usually do things, but the gym was crowded, I was agitated, and I just wanted to get something done.
I'm feeling good now. Off to Trader Joe's for some groceries!
Somehow, I was only up two pounds.
I blew through a quick strength training workout without any cardio warmup or stretching afterwards. This is not how I usually do things, but the gym was crowded, I was agitated, and I just wanted to get something done.
I'm feeling good now. Off to Trader Joe's for some groceries!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
The truth
When I stop posting, you can rest assured I've lost my way. You can also assume I'm spending lots of time hunched over my laptop or iPhone, reading about nutrition.
I realized today that the ongoing nutrition research, compulsive checking of my favorite weight loss blogs, and all the rest has become an addiction of its own. I'm a sugar addict, sure, but I'm also an information junkie. At this point, I think the latter is almost more problematic than the former.
Only today did I realize that I am scared to interrupt the constant incoming stream of information about food, exercise, and health. It's like I'm frightened that tuning those things out will lead to ignoring my food/weight/health problems and result in devastating weight gain. Another fear? That the final missing piece of the puzzle--the magic detail that will make everything fall into place for me--will get overlooked if I'm not constantly taking in new information.
The (not-so) funny thing is, I've been gaining weight while all this learning and obsessing has been going on. I have knowledge, but no results to show for all my reading and ruminating. Something has got to change.
I tell myself that I've learned enough to get going on a healthier track. I do okay for a bit, then I have a few bad days of eating, freak out that I clearly don't have the answers I need, seek refuge in the stories and research and views and programs of others, try to adapt to some of models I read about (trying OA, eating low carb, going paleo, whatever), hit a roadblock of some sort, repeat cycle. It's tiresome.
I miss having a life outside of this obsession.
Here's the other bit of truth telling for today: starting this blog has shown me, yet again, how hard I try to perform for others. I want so badly to appear that I've got my shit together; another part of me longs to be vulnerable and real and honest about how out of control my life often feels.
When I was getting things set up on Blogger, I sat down and made a little weekly schedule for my blog. On Monday I'm going to write about this, and Tuesday about this, and so forth. I wanted to go from not having a blog to having an amazing one that shows how awesome and determined I am, and I wanted it to happen overnight. When I got busy and couldn't create the kinds of posts I was envisioning right out of the gate, I opted to skip posting altogether. It's classic perfectionistic, all-or-nothing behavior and it invades many areas of my life.
Isn't a little post that simply tells the truth about what's going on better than nothing? And why would a person that has 100+ pounds to lose try to pretend that everything is smooth sailing all the time in Dietland?
Tonight, I'm admitting that I'm shipwrecked.
I realized today that the ongoing nutrition research, compulsive checking of my favorite weight loss blogs, and all the rest has become an addiction of its own. I'm a sugar addict, sure, but I'm also an information junkie. At this point, I think the latter is almost more problematic than the former.
Only today did I realize that I am scared to interrupt the constant incoming stream of information about food, exercise, and health. It's like I'm frightened that tuning those things out will lead to ignoring my food/weight/health problems and result in devastating weight gain. Another fear? That the final missing piece of the puzzle--the magic detail that will make everything fall into place for me--will get overlooked if I'm not constantly taking in new information.
The (not-so) funny thing is, I've been gaining weight while all this learning and obsessing has been going on. I have knowledge, but no results to show for all my reading and ruminating. Something has got to change.
I tell myself that I've learned enough to get going on a healthier track. I do okay for a bit, then I have a few bad days of eating, freak out that I clearly don't have the answers I need, seek refuge in the stories and research and views and programs of others, try to adapt to some of models I read about (trying OA, eating low carb, going paleo, whatever), hit a roadblock of some sort, repeat cycle. It's tiresome.
I miss having a life outside of this obsession.
Here's the other bit of truth telling for today: starting this blog has shown me, yet again, how hard I try to perform for others. I want so badly to appear that I've got my shit together; another part of me longs to be vulnerable and real and honest about how out of control my life often feels.
When I was getting things set up on Blogger, I sat down and made a little weekly schedule for my blog. On Monday I'm going to write about this, and Tuesday about this, and so forth. I wanted to go from not having a blog to having an amazing one that shows how awesome and determined I am, and I wanted it to happen overnight. When I got busy and couldn't create the kinds of posts I was envisioning right out of the gate, I opted to skip posting altogether. It's classic perfectionistic, all-or-nothing behavior and it invades many areas of my life.
Isn't a little post that simply tells the truth about what's going on better than nothing? And why would a person that has 100+ pounds to lose try to pretend that everything is smooth sailing all the time in Dietland?
Tonight, I'm admitting that I'm shipwrecked.
Monday, September 19, 2011
A little less conversation
It started happening again almost as soon as I started blogging. I got sucked into the world of nutrition research, laying in bed with my iPhone reading late into the night. Compiling lists of links and resources to put on my blog for the benefit of others. Wringing my hands over the latest debates.
The deal is, I’m taking cues from low carb advocates such as Gary Taubes and various people in the paleo and primal communities when it comes to changing my diet. The more I learn, the more I understand that there is significant diversity and disagreement among these folks. That is not a bad thing; the back-and-forth is part of scientific advancement and I value the ongoing scholarship. But as I explained in my very first post, I need more action, less contemplation. Many of the finer points being debated don’t matter to me because it’s not like I’m going to tweak my diet every day based on the latest thing I read.
I think of the Pareto principle and tell myself that 20% of the changes I make will yield 80% of the results I want. So cutting out grains and sugar from my everyday intake will get me most of the way there. And once I’m 80% of the way there, and weight loss starts to stall or whatever, maybe then I can freak out about how many yams I should allow myself each month or whether poultry and pork are tipping my Omega 6:Omega 3 balance the wrong way. I have a long way to go with more fundamental changes to make before I start fussing over all those details. I do not have to go from 0 to 100 overnight.
(Not only that, but I find people who place their nutritional ideologies at the center of their lives and identities to be absolute bores. Really. I’m not vying for first place at the Paleo Pageant; I want a healthier body so I can do things OTHER THAN sit around with a laptop researching diet and reading the latest ego-driven arguments engaged in by laypeople on various message boards and blog comments sections. Ugh.)
I wonder what it would be like to do an information fast? Block all the chatter. Use the knowledge and resources I already have, including the cookbooks I already own. Stop worrying so damn much about doing things “right”! See how far I get. When I can’t get any further, go look for answers amidst the noise. Until then, stay away from the noise and focus on execution.
I think I’ve got my new plan!
The deal is, I’m taking cues from low carb advocates such as Gary Taubes and various people in the paleo and primal communities when it comes to changing my diet. The more I learn, the more I understand that there is significant diversity and disagreement among these folks. That is not a bad thing; the back-and-forth is part of scientific advancement and I value the ongoing scholarship. But as I explained in my very first post, I need more action, less contemplation. Many of the finer points being debated don’t matter to me because it’s not like I’m going to tweak my diet every day based on the latest thing I read.
I think of the Pareto principle and tell myself that 20% of the changes I make will yield 80% of the results I want. So cutting out grains and sugar from my everyday intake will get me most of the way there. And once I’m 80% of the way there, and weight loss starts to stall or whatever, maybe then I can freak out about how many yams I should allow myself each month or whether poultry and pork are tipping my Omega 6:Omega 3 balance the wrong way. I have a long way to go with more fundamental changes to make before I start fussing over all those details. I do not have to go from 0 to 100 overnight.
(Not only that, but I find people who place their nutritional ideologies at the center of their lives and identities to be absolute bores. Really. I’m not vying for first place at the Paleo Pageant; I want a healthier body so I can do things OTHER THAN sit around with a laptop researching diet and reading the latest ego-driven arguments engaged in by laypeople on various message boards and blog comments sections. Ugh.)
I wonder what it would be like to do an information fast? Block all the chatter. Use the knowledge and resources I already have, including the cookbooks I already own. Stop worrying so damn much about doing things “right”! See how far I get. When I can’t get any further, go look for answers amidst the noise. Until then, stay away from the noise and focus on execution.
I think I’ve got my new plan!
Went to yoga class
Another thing, demystified! I went to a Gentle Yoga class at the gym tonight and I’m glad I did. It was non-intimidating and very good for someone like me that’s been to maybe two yoga classes in my life (and that was probably almost ten years ago). I was surprised how much it revealed about my body. I could feel that my right arm and shoulder is still messed up despite the physical therapy I had done on it earlier this year, for one thing. Strangely, I could feel that weakness more clearly in tonight’s class than I do when I’m strength training. I saw how inflexible I am in some ways, and also how much my flab—especially stomach and thigh fat—gets in the way when I’m trying to do certain things. The more scrunched up I got, the more I felt like a tangled mound of sausage links. But surprisingly I wasn’t disheartened at all. Instead, I’m looking forward to going back at least once a week and tuning into my body.
Two other nice things today:
1. On the way to the gym, I saw an orange and pink sunset that literally made me gasp with delight. The drive to the gym is hilly and gorgeous; it’s a reward unto itself. On the way home, a lovely big moon with wispy clouds trailing across it. Plus there was a chill in the air. My favorite season is here!
2. I reached the ten pounds gone mark, so I can order the reward I picked out for myself a few days ago! It's a piece of furniture for my kitchen and I'll post pictures when I get it set up. So glad I rejected my husband’s pressurized “suggestion” to go out for Chinese food last night.
(note: this post originally appeared on Tumblr on September 15th.)
Two other nice things today:
1. On the way to the gym, I saw an orange and pink sunset that literally made me gasp with delight. The drive to the gym is hilly and gorgeous; it’s a reward unto itself. On the way home, a lovely big moon with wispy clouds trailing across it. Plus there was a chill in the air. My favorite season is here!
2. I reached the ten pounds gone mark, so I can order the reward I picked out for myself a few days ago! It's a piece of furniture for my kitchen and I'll post pictures when I get it set up. So glad I rejected my husband’s pressurized “suggestion” to go out for Chinese food last night.
(note: this post originally appeared on Tumblr on September 15th.)
Mental workouts at the gym
I joined a really great gym about a month and a half ago. It’s got everything: updated equipment, a women’s-only fitness room, café, a nursery and different daycamps for kids, two pools, a hot tub, saunas, racquetball/tennis/basketball courts, massage therapy, and over 140 different classes offered throughout the week. The classes are what really drew me there. I wanted to try BodyPump because I had read so much about it on Shauna Reid’s fantastic blog years ago, and they offer it every day of the week—sometimes twice a day.
So the gym is fantastic, and here’s the (oh so predictable) catch: I struggle with feeling like I do not belong there. I feel too fat, too unathletic, too clumsy, too ugly, too shy. I compare myself to more attractive women and feel downhearted. I’d like to go to the pool, but currently am too self-conscious to don a swimsuit and strut past whatever tanned, -3% body fat, 18 year-old Adonis happens to be on lifeguard duty that day.
But I’m still going to the gym a few times a week, and still trying different things despite my mental discomfort. Oh, there’s physical discomfort as well, as I’m way out of shape and overweight. But at this stage in the game, it’s more of a mental battle than a physical one. What I want is to feel less self-conscious and timid by the end of my current three month contract. I’m not expecting a dramatic physical change in such a short period of time; I’m in this for the long haul and besides, I believe my dietary choices are going to do more for my physical transformation than anything else. (I have exercised intensely before without losing any weight, so I know firsthand that diet is key.)
I am expecting a mental change in a relatively short period of time, though, and I’m working consciously at it. When my eyes start to wander, I snap myself back to attention and focus on my form. When the negative brain chatter starts, I talk back to it, argue with it, tell it to shut up. When I feel scared of something, like the pool situation, I take note that it’s something I must do—precisely because I’m scared of it. I may not do it today, but the day is coming. I tell myself it’s inevitable and to start looking for a good swimsuit.
I am excited to see how this kind of mental work will transfer to other areas of my life. Continuing at something despite emotional discomfort, questioning my identity (in this case as “unathletic”, for starters), learning to focus, resisting the urge to compare myself to others, trying new stuff that makes me feel awkward until I don’t feel awkward anymore…it’s all highly applicable to other scenarios. Realizing that the gym can be a vehicle for mental and emotional growth—not merely a place to punish myself for being fat, or stave off disease, or sculpt myself into a shape more pleasing to others—has been a real step for me.
So the gym is fantastic, and here’s the (oh so predictable) catch: I struggle with feeling like I do not belong there. I feel too fat, too unathletic, too clumsy, too ugly, too shy. I compare myself to more attractive women and feel downhearted. I’d like to go to the pool, but currently am too self-conscious to don a swimsuit and strut past whatever tanned, -3% body fat, 18 year-old Adonis happens to be on lifeguard duty that day.
But I’m still going to the gym a few times a week, and still trying different things despite my mental discomfort. Oh, there’s physical discomfort as well, as I’m way out of shape and overweight. But at this stage in the game, it’s more of a mental battle than a physical one. What I want is to feel less self-conscious and timid by the end of my current three month contract. I’m not expecting a dramatic physical change in such a short period of time; I’m in this for the long haul and besides, I believe my dietary choices are going to do more for my physical transformation than anything else. (I have exercised intensely before without losing any weight, so I know firsthand that diet is key.)
I am expecting a mental change in a relatively short period of time, though, and I’m working consciously at it. When my eyes start to wander, I snap myself back to attention and focus on my form. When the negative brain chatter starts, I talk back to it, argue with it, tell it to shut up. When I feel scared of something, like the pool situation, I take note that it’s something I must do—precisely because I’m scared of it. I may not do it today, but the day is coming. I tell myself it’s inevitable and to start looking for a good swimsuit.
I am excited to see how this kind of mental work will transfer to other areas of my life. Continuing at something despite emotional discomfort, questioning my identity (in this case as “unathletic”, for starters), learning to focus, resisting the urge to compare myself to others, trying new stuff that makes me feel awkward until I don’t feel awkward anymore…it’s all highly applicable to other scenarios. Realizing that the gym can be a vehicle for mental and emotional growth—not merely a place to punish myself for being fat, or stave off disease, or sculpt myself into a shape more pleasing to others—has been a real step for me.
Beep. Boop. Too much input.
When I was growing up, my Dad had a gentle but specific way of joking about things he found overwhelming or draining. Whether it was an unpleasant, complicated task, a difficult person, a tiresome event, a frustrating crowd, or just some jumble of information or sensory stimuli, he would make a funny face and say “too much input” in a robotic voice. Sometimes he’d keep going in the robot voice: “Too much input. System overload. Processing….processing…”
It always made me laugh, and I always knew exactly what he meant. Today, my siblings and I say “too much input” to describe things and events in our lives, especially frazzled emotional and mental states. No robot voice needed—it’s now such a part of our family’s colloquialisms that everyone, including Dad, says it in a regular voice.
There are a LOT of weird phrases employed by my family, but I digress.
So, the other night I was researching various health topics online until four in the morning. Why? Because I need to lose between 100 and 125 pounds and I’ve been fighting binge eating disorder for years now. I have atypical depression. I have hypothyroidism and I worry that I’m pre-diabetic. Therefore, I’m constantly trying to educate myself about nutrition, fitness, autoimmune thyroid disease, weight loss, insulin resistance and diabetes, mental illness, and so forth.
Typical of my marathon reading sessions, one link led to another, one study contradicted another, and I kept going until I was practically cross-eyed with exhaustion and overwhelm. As I stumbled to bed in the early morning hours, I thought “it’s all too. much. input.”
I had to smile to myself, even though I felt miserable. That phrase captures so many elements of my struggle.
Too much input when it comes carbs and calories and crappy processed food.
Too much input when it comes to competing nutritional dogmas, competing health claims, competing talking heads that Believe They Know What’s Best for Everyone.
Too much input when it comes to other people’s demands and expectations in my personal life. When it comes to other people’s influence, period.
And not enough output on my part.
I’m exhausted and overwhelmed. Instead of taking some sustained action, imperfect as it might be, I keep acquiring more and more information. I keep analyzing and obsessing and worrying. My brain is whirring along while my body sits still. The longer I do this, the worse I feel. I’ve decided many things have to change, including my self-imposed silence on the subject of my individual deterioration (a silence which is entirely fear- and shame-based, for the record).
I’ve gone back and forth for literally years now on the question of whether or not to start a blog, whether to risk embarrassment and public failure or not. When Too Much Input popped into my weary head a few nights ago, I decided to go for it. So here I am!
It always made me laugh, and I always knew exactly what he meant. Today, my siblings and I say “too much input” to describe things and events in our lives, especially frazzled emotional and mental states. No robot voice needed—it’s now such a part of our family’s colloquialisms that everyone, including Dad, says it in a regular voice.
There are a LOT of weird phrases employed by my family, but I digress.
So, the other night I was researching various health topics online until four in the morning. Why? Because I need to lose between 100 and 125 pounds and I’ve been fighting binge eating disorder for years now. I have atypical depression. I have hypothyroidism and I worry that I’m pre-diabetic. Therefore, I’m constantly trying to educate myself about nutrition, fitness, autoimmune thyroid disease, weight loss, insulin resistance and diabetes, mental illness, and so forth.
Typical of my marathon reading sessions, one link led to another, one study contradicted another, and I kept going until I was practically cross-eyed with exhaustion and overwhelm. As I stumbled to bed in the early morning hours, I thought “it’s all too. much. input.”
I had to smile to myself, even though I felt miserable. That phrase captures so many elements of my struggle.
Too much input when it comes carbs and calories and crappy processed food.
Too much input when it comes to competing nutritional dogmas, competing health claims, competing talking heads that Believe They Know What’s Best for Everyone.
Too much input when it comes to other people’s demands and expectations in my personal life. When it comes to other people’s influence, period.
And not enough output on my part.
I’m exhausted and overwhelmed. Instead of taking some sustained action, imperfect as it might be, I keep acquiring more and more information. I keep analyzing and obsessing and worrying. My brain is whirring along while my body sits still. The longer I do this, the worse I feel. I’ve decided many things have to change, including my self-imposed silence on the subject of my individual deterioration (a silence which is entirely fear- and shame-based, for the record).
I’ve gone back and forth for literally years now on the question of whether or not to start a blog, whether to risk embarrassment and public failure or not. When Too Much Input popped into my weary head a few nights ago, I decided to go for it. So here I am!
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