Wednesday, November 28, 2012

The surprising process of legalizing junk food

Interesting things are happening with my eating in the third trimester.  I'm almost 36 weeks now, and still weigh 260 pounds.

I'm not exactly sure when or why this started, but just over a month ago I decided to take yet another crack at changing the way I behave around sugary junk food.  It might have something to do with picking up one of my old Geneen Roth books one night; she's very "pro-legalization" and recommends things like carrying chocolate that you love in your purse at all times.  

I decided to give it a whirl.

I decided that I would buy things that have always given me problems, and as soon as something was gone, I'd restock it.  No matter what.  Even if I binged on it, I would go out and replace it.  I wanted to see if my desire for any particular thing was actually as huge and endless and overwhelming as it had always seemed.  And I decided two other things: I'd try to keep it to one treat a day, and I'd try to eat it mindfully.  But I didn't make these things into rigid rules to get upset over.

I am thrilled with how this experiment has unfolded.  My house has never had so much junk food in it--and I've never been less obsessed with it than I am right now.  It doesn't "call" to me like it would have mere months ago.  I currently have hot cocoa mix, marshmallows, white fudge-covered Oreos, Lucky Charms, a canister of whipped cream, a bottle of chocolate sauce, peppermint bark ice cream bars, and mint chocolate chip ice cream in the house.  Oh, and a Three Musketeers bar in my purse.

THIS IS UNPRECEDENTED.  

Most of those things would not have lasted more than a day or two in my house before.  Certainly not the candy bar, the Lucky Charms, the Oreos, or the ice cream products.  A bottle of Hershey's usually would not make it a week in my fridge.  Now?  The mint chip ice cream is getting freezer burnt and will probably be thrown out.  I ate one of the peppermint bark bars and didn't like them, so if no one eats the remaining two over the next month or so, those will be thrown away.  I've thrown away egg nog twice this season--and I think egg nog is the nectar of the gods--because the brands I took a chance on were not up to snuff.  The chocolate sauce is over a month old.

I've tried intuitive eating and legalization before and it never "worked".  Perhaps that's because I was trying to lose weight at the time, whereas right now, I'm only trying to minimize weight gain.  There's a big difference between those two mindsets!  And I can't remember the way I approached it before--did I restock junk food items right away, or did I binge and then take the binge as confirmation that I couldn't be trusted with the food in the house, setting myself up to repeat the cycle endless times?  I suspect the latter.  

One thing I'm sure of is that I had little knowledge of or experience with mindful eating during my previous attempts.  I think eating junk food mindfully this time around has made a huge difference.  I can be satisfied with less if I really pay attention to what I'm eating, and sometimes I discover that a formerly enticing treat is not so great after all.  The peppermint bark ice cream bars are a good example: in front of the TV, I likely would have eaten 2 or even all 3 in the box.  They would have been a cold, sweet, vague background experience to my TV viewing.  But since I sat at the table and paid attention to the flavor and texture and everything else while eating, I discovered I really didn't like them.  And I haven't touched them since. 

It hasn't been all smooth sailing.  There have been a few episodes of overeating and emotional eating (and probably even binge eating; it can be a gray area) that have scared me and caused doubt as to whether I should continue with this experiment.  But each time I've restocked an item after overdoing it on a given day, I have found I am less interested in it than before and it goes untouched for a long time.  When I do open up the next box or carton, it ends up lasting longer than the time before.  My appetite for it ISN'T insatiable after all.  And seeing that, again and again, builds trust in myself.

It's amazing to find myself reaching for regular meal food when all this stuff is available to me.  Only real meals satisfy hunger, so that's what I prefer when I'm hungry!  So simple.  Is this what normal eaters feel like every day?  No big willpower battle to turn down Oreos in favor of a bowl of stew?  Sugary cereal in the house doesn't torture them until it's all eaten?  There's nothing dazzling about seeing a candy bar in your purse?

I feel less eating disordered.  I don't think my eating disorder is gone and I'm not going to declare "I'll never binge again!  I've found the answer to everything!"  The novelty of allowing myself all this stuff has not totally worn off and sometimes I eat more than is wise; I don't always stick to one treat a day, for example.  I overate on and around Thanksgiving for sure.  But I'm getting somewhere with this, and months from now, the availability of junk on a daily basis will be even less novel than it is now.  And that, I think, is key to recasting my relationship to these foods that have been problematic for so long.

6 comments:

  1. I've never heard of this way of thinking before... to be honest, it shocks the hell out of me. I would call myself a normal eater now (I eat clean, never binge, and keep to normal portions without trying)... and I would never, ever stock that kind of food in my house. Partly because I have had to train my brain to understand food as fuel! I do have treats, will keep a dark chocolate bar in the house or have a cookie in my lunch once in a while. But it's pretty minimal.

    I'm interested to see what you think of this longer or even if you keep doing it (since you said you weren't sure about it either!).

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  2. There are lots of books that espouse this approach; it's not a new philosophy at all. I'm glad you have found what works for you.

    I suppose everyone has different ideas of what constitutes normal eating. When I think of normal eaters, I am thinking of people I know that have never had problems with binge eating, that maintain a steady body weight over time, and do not obsess over food (and that typically extends to not eliminating entire categories of food, whether that be grains/legumes, meat, all animal products, desserts/sugar...true allergies, genuine gluten intolerance, religious guidelines, etc. of course change the picture). These normal eaters eat for both nutrition and pleasure, keep a variety of foods in the house (including some junk food), and it would never occur to them to spend time blogging about their food and weight issues because frankly, that part of their life is rather uncomplicated and not at all central to their identity.

    My husband is one such normal eater. I would love to be more like him. I don't know if I'll ever achieve the same amount of ease around food and body weight that he enjoys--and I plan to continue blogging to work through my issues--but what I'm doing now makes me feel more normal than I have in ages!

    I'll continue to write honestly about how this approach is panning out, good or bad. I don't blog that often but I will follow up on this. :)

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  3. This has been and remains my approach. In one of my blog posts, I wrote about all of the crap in my apartment and why there was so much of it (it got eaten so slowly). Having that food around may feel like permission that you grant yourself but don't necessarily take advantage of all of the time. It's there. You can have it. You can choose to indulge a little or a lot. It avoids the whole deprivation/binge response.

    On a purely personal note, I think people who can't have that sort of thing in the house have issues still in their relationship with food. People with a normal relationship with food aren't so out of control that they can't have it around. They eat to satiety, and then the let it be. I know this for a fact as I've seen plenty of normal weight people do this. They don't jones for the cake in the fridge just because it's there. They can be surrounded by palatable food and not feel compelled to eat it, nor do they feel the compulsion to diminish the role of food in life in order to create a false perspective about it. Food is fuel, but it has always been more than that in human cultures. To deny that aspect is to deny that food is part of so much more than simply adding calories to our bodies. Enjoy it. Place it in its full context, and don't hide from it because you fear it's pull.

    What you have accomplished is a major triumph in your relationship with food as you've greatly overcome the pull of food. You control it. It doesn't control you. The trick now is not to feel it has all come apart the first time you binge. Even skinny people have days where they pig out. The important thing is the overall pattern, not perfection, and you are well on your way if not already there. Congratulations. :-)

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  4. Thank you so much for the supportive comment. I love this thing you said:

    "...I've seen plenty of normal weight people do this. They don't jones for the cake in the fridge just because it's there. They can be surrounded by palatable food and not feel compelled to eat it, nor do they feel the compulsion to diminish the role of food in life in order to create a false perspective about it. Food is fuel, but it has always been more than that in human cultures. To deny that aspect is to deny that food is part of so much more than simply adding calories to our bodies. Enjoy it. Place it in its full context, and don't hide from it because you fear it's pull."

    I see a lot of diminishing, denial, and fear related to food around the blogosphere. ;)

    I've had many mini-breakthroughs this past year and I usually say they give me hope. But this experiment has given me hope AND some confidence that finally, finally, things are really changing.

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  5. Brilliant! I'm absolutely thrilled for you!

    I won't repeat what you and SFG said. I agree entirely.

    As for the "food as fuel" approach. Well, no. We're humans. Yes, it is fuel, but appreciating the beauty and wonder of a fantastic meal or even savouring the wonder of some good chocolate is a far cry from binge eating--as you yourself are seeing more and more clearly.

    In my opinion, considering food purely as fuel is akin to saying that art and music are unnecessary. After all, no one died of not hearing Mozart or seeing an Andy Warhol exhibit...:)

    Just one disagreement with you: Lucky Charms? Pretty yucky in my book! :)

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  6. Thanks for your comment; I love the analogy to music and art that you made.

    Lucky Charms are totally yucky, AND I totally eat them. So liberating to say that openly! At some point, I'll be doing a post about the childhood issues that drive the desire for crap like Lucky Charms. I have a happy suspicion that the desire is going to decline over time.

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