Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Always dropping the ball

It seems that in a given day, I'm always dropping the ball in one important area or another.

If I eat right, exercise, and meditate, it seems to take up most of my attention.  I'll drop the ball on errands, housework, and/or career-building activities.

If I run a bunch of errands and clean and so forth, it saps my energy and I find my eating to be sloppy and my likelihood of exercise to be low.

Lots of days it's some mix: I exercise but my eating is chaotic.  I run errands and eat ok but am sedentary most of the day and let the house go.  I work on career-related writing but ignore everything else and binge to cope with the anxiety I feel.

I don't expect my performance in all areas of life to be perfect every day, but I've lived this disjointed, unsatisfactory way for years now.  I've tried all sorts of things to break out of these patterns, and still don't have an answer.  Ultimately, I feel like I'm treading water and getting nowhere: I prevent emergencies and put out fires when they do arise, but I don't feel in control of myself and my life.  I don't feel capable of reaching important, ambitious goals anymore.  I'm so scattered and dissatisfied with myself.

Lately, and by that I mean the last couple of weeks, the only thing I've been consistent about almost every day is taking a walk.  This prevents the kind of guilt I felt throughout most of my second trimester about not exercising (at all, pretty much).  Maybe I can build from here.

When it comes to this scattered rut I've been in for years, I know that there's something to my thinking that's tripping me up, over and over again, and I'm trying to get to the bottom of it.  Something to do with lack of clarity about priorities, perfectionism, discomfort avoidance (i.e. going after "low hanging fruit" a lot of the time), and not being able to focus on one task at a time but instead ruminating about what's not getting done WHILE I'm getting something else done.  Four years of weekly therapy sessions did not help me with this--did not even directly help me identify all this--and all I can do today is admit where I'm at and vow to keep untangling this mess.

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