Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Unhappy and Overwhelmed

I'm already off the makeup kick and more focused on nesting, so I'll pick up my discussion of makeup, clothes, and everything else at a different time.

I've been in a really negative headspace for the past few days.  I'm frustrated with myself.  No matter what I do in a given day, I feel like it's not enough.  That internal critical voice has been so loud lately that yesterday it felt like a separate person and I talked back to it: "yeah?  What do YOU do besides sit around and criticize?"  Definitely a slight case of the crazies.

I have so many problems besides food and weight.  So many.  I don't think or talk about my depression all that much, but it's still there and very much impacting my life.  It's under better control than it used to be, and I've found exercise and meditation to be more effective (at this time) than meds and talk therapy, so I have a plan of action.  But in SO many areas of my life, I desire a total overhaul in my habitual thoughts and behaviors.  When I think about the baby arriving and changing my life in ways I can't fathom, I get anxious.  How am I going to hold everything together?  How am I going to make much-needed changes when I have no time to myself?  Personal progress is abysmally slow NOW, when I have all the time I could ask for, so what does that tell me about my future?

This blog hasn't been incredibly focused so far, but it has been about eating disorder recovery, weight loss, etc. more than anything else.  That's going to change. I want to feel free to talk about anything that I'm struggling with, regardless of whether other people can relate or they find my problems ridiculous.  I may as well be honest and say I blog for myself first and foremost--I do it because it helps me process my thoughts and feel better--and if my writing helps anyone else on some level, that's great, but not something I feel is my responsibility or primary goal.  In other words, I'm not here to provide an "expert voice" of any kind.  It's just me, figuring out what I want and how to get it.  And if I put it all out there, all the worries and dreams and hopes and efforts and failures and experiments and projects, it's going to be messy.

I'm ok with that.  I'm unhappy right now, and feeling overwhelmed, but at least I can accept the mess.


  1. Sorry that you're feeling overwhelmed and I hope that starts to ease. By all means write about whatever you feel like writing about I always hope that bloggers don't feel a responsibility to readers, I'm not paying for this content and am under no obligation to hang around if a blog goes a direction I don't find interesting.

    I can totally relate to the worry of "if I can't get this stuff right when I have plenty of time how can I do it when I'm also xyz..." I have found, for myself, that I actually get more done when I am strapped for time. I had much better habits when I was going to school (and working full-time) because I didn't have any choices. Laundry had to get done on Saturday morning because that was the only time I had - and it did. Now that I have more freedom it is far easier to put things off, so perhaps it will work that way for you. In any event, best of luck!!

  2. Thank you for your supportive comment, Arwenn. As for being more effective when you are shorter on time--I have wondered whether that might happen, and I'm hopeful about it, but I guess I won't know until the baby is here. I guess I'm expecting one of two extremes: that the change either causes a personal meltdown, or it spurs me to perform much better than I have been the past few years. We'll see!