Putting "Brain Over Binge" to Work

I'm excited and nervous and happy and scared and all sorts of contradictory things right now.

Kathryn Hansen's excellent book--Brain over Binge: Why I Was Bulimic, Why Conventional Therapy Didn't Work, and How I Recovered for Good--has made me feel more hope (regarding getting over binge eating disorder) than I've felt in a long time. The concepts in the book aren't new to me; I've read about psychology, psychiatry, addiction, nutrition, lower versus higher brain, identification of the "addictive voice", neuroplasticity, etc. before. But there's something to the way Hansen has synthesized and presented this wealth of information that makes it click better. And there's something to the way she carefully distinguishes between terms like "trigger" (as in environmental, social, emotional triggers) and "urge" (urges to binge) that I find helpful. On top of it all, she tells her own story of recovery from bulimia very effectively. I recommend this book to anyone that binge eats.

So now it's time for me to make use of the things I learned from this book. I've already started; there was no "one last binge" or anything of the sort after I finished the book and decided to get going. That in itself is different from my usual pattern of behavior!

(The rest of this entry might not make total sense unless you've read the book...)

The thing I'm somewhat nervous about is my ability to disassociate from my urges. And I'm unsure where to draw the line in terms of food restrictions. Yes, it's my lower brain telling me to binge. It's also my lower brain telling me to eat mac and cheese for dinner when my higher brain/self has a weight loss goal and knows that other dinner choices would help me get there faster. The question quickly becomes: do I need to tackle everything at once? And how do I know, by cutting myself some slack (not by binge eating, but by eating less-than-stellar foods), that I'm not falling for the tricks of the lower brain and thereby strengthening it?

Hansen says she found it helpful to not be overly worried or restrictive about her food choices when she was kicking the binge habit. The main thing is to know what constitutes a binge for you, to eliminate binge eating, and then build from there as desired. (Read more on this, from her blog, *here*.)

So I'm taking that advice. Right now, I'm committed to NOT BINGE EATING. I don't view this as a license to eat junk for every meal and snack, but I am determined to not let the perfect be the enemy of the very, very good. And no longer binging would be very, very good indeed.

More to come on binges, separate nutrition goals, and the like!

Mind blowing

I just finished reading Brain Over Binge by Kathryn Hansen. My mind has officially been blown! I'm now looking back over my blog and seeing how much of what I've written reflects a deep misunderstanding of my problem and how to fix it.

Changes ahead, both for me and the blog.

It happened...because I told myself it was gonna happen

A particular thought often occurs before I descend into madness: that's it. I'm binging later.

It's a private thought I have when I'm in the company of others and I'm stressed or angry or irritated at the people/situation around me. And telling myself I'm "so going to do it" helps me get through whatever I need to get through. It's my default way of promising myself that comfort and oblivion are on the way, and that I need to simply need to muddle through until I can be alone and stuff my face.

I wish it stopped with that silly thought--that when I finally get a quiet moment to calm down, I wish I recognized it for ingrained coping mechanism it is, then rationally decided on another course of de-stressing. But that's not what happens. The thought seems like an ironclad decision. Once I think it, it's like the binge is a foregone conclusion. I MUST do it. In a way, it feels like I already did do it, just by thinking about doing it, and that the actual binge episode is merely the continuation of binging that started earlier in the day (even though it's not). Does that sound crazy to you?

I was helping a friend with some stressful stuff yesterday when the thought occurred to me. When I got home that night, I carried out my "promise." I went to the store (at night, which we all know almost guarantees a binge for me) and got ice cream. I was standing in line to check out when I saw limited edition Oreos on the aisle end display. They were a kind I normally get each Christmas, but skipped this Christmas. I was primed in every way to grab them, and I did. And as I scurried back to the register line, I had a flash of awareness in which I saw myself as a lab rat who was exhibiting the exact behaviors wanted and expected of me by the good folks (ha!) at Nabisco. I waved that nanosecond of discomfort and awareness away, made my purchase, went home, and ate a pint of ice cream and nine cookies along with a too-large plate of spaghetti.

That "I'm going to do it" thought is going to occur to me again and again in stressful situations. It does no good for me to "wish" my brain did something else. I need to practice doing something else, not make wishes. This is what I plan to do: the next time I think "I am SO going to binge later", I am going to tack on a few more sentences to my inner dialogue. "Well, binging is just one option. I might do that. But there's some other options too. Maybe I will do this instead..." and then I'm going to think of a few alternatives to eating and try to build anticipation for those alternatives.

That way, when I finally get alone later, I will be primed to try one of the non-binging alternatives. Maybe it won't feel like I've already binged and may as well "continue." Up until now, I've expected myself to make a better decision on the spot--at the crucial moment in the grocery store, or at home when the food is in front of me. But at that point, it's already too late. I need to work on the thoughts that precede my actions--thoughts that happen hours before when I'm still in the company of other people.

A similar kind of screwy thought process happens when I eat some small amount of junk--a few cookies or a few m&m's--and think "the day's already blown, so I'm going to make the most of it and start over tomorrow." That's the kind of thinking I'm engaging in right now, since I ate 3 leftover Oreos this morning for breakfast. I don't have an answer to this one, though. I know it's similarly irrational, and I know my flawed thinking is opening the floodgates on a later binge...but I haven't figured out how to talk to myself on this one.

Any suggestions?

Night time is NOT the right time

My last two posts have been about smarter evening snacking and how it's best if I stay home at night, especially when I'm feeling vulnerable and having binge thoughts. Yesterday, I ate a fantastic yogurt parfait at night and was pleased with myself for smart substituting. Tonight, I stayed home because I was experiencing alot of mental chatter and realized I can't trust a thought process that goes something like this: "your husband is out of town and no one can see what you are doing...hmm, ice cream sounds good...hey! you need some heavy duty tape for boxing up your Christmas decorations...why don't you go to the grocery store? You know, for tape. And maybe ice cream. But definitely--mostly--tape."

So I stayed home. Thing is, there were some mini candy canes still in the house and a jar of lemon curd in the fridge from the holidays and even though I wouldn't consider these temptations or problems normally, they were tonight. Eating a few mini candy canes and some lemon curd wasn't a catastrophic binge, but it was just sorta stupid and not worth the "muddiness", if you know what I mean. It murked up an otherwise sensible day. Those items are going into the trash as soon as I log off here because another evening like this evening will come soon enough, and I don't want broken candy canes laying around when it arrives.

Don't go to the store at night

That's me, giving myself obvious advice. My husband and I do not buy junk food when we go grocery shopping. So in order for me to eat junk food, I have to make a separate trip to a store/pharmacy/gas station/restaurant, or bake something at home.

As the day goes on, I become more and more vulnerable to the siren song of high fructose corn syrup. Thus, it is not safe for me to go to shopping at night. At least not for now. My reserve of willpower is depleted by the day's activities and my thinking becomes fuzzier the later it gets.

On a related note, I wonder how much rising early for the day and going to bed fairly early as well would help with my weight loss. I'm not hypothesizing about metabolism or anything like that, but the mere avoidance of troublesome times of day.

The vast majority of my binges happen at night. When the binging continues for weeks at a time, it starts to bleed into other parts of the day. I find myself picking up donuts and chocolate milk for breakfast or eating nothing until 2 p.m., then heading to a bakery for cupcakes. It's sad that I lived that way for so long. Things are better now. But nighttime remains a horror zone for me.

I came up with a list of acceptable evening snacks. The next piece of the puzzle, then, is to stay home--where it's safe--and sweat out the cravings. What good is my virtuous little snack, all prepped and ready in the fridge, if run to the store and buy ice cream anyway?

Like I said, obvious advice.