Everything looked fine at my ultrasound this week. It was beyond exciting to see a little humanoid shape moving around in there! At last! The baby was bouncing on his/her back repeatedly and waving little arms and legs about continuously. I could have watched for hours, as it made everything seem very real and the baby was so fun and fascinating to observe, but the scan was over after a few minutes. And I only got to hear the heartbeat for a few seconds. I'm still marveling at how this mango-sized creature can be in motion without me feeling anything at all! I should get bloodwork results back next week that, combined with the results of the nuchal translucency scan, will tell me more about risks and further testing needs.
I'm down a few pounds, though it fluctuates by a five pound margin. I often see something in the 246-251 range on the home scale. Tuesday the doctor's scale said 250; yesterday the gym scale said 249. I'd have to dig through my records, but I don't think I've seen anything in the 240's on the gym scale before now. I think my face looks a little less chubby than it used to. It is liberating to exercise and weigh myself and moderate my food choices without all the self-imposed pressure to lose lose LOSE.
I went swimming yesterday for the first time in over 4 years and it felt really nice. I rediscovered how much I enjoy the brain-body challenge of thinking about all these different components of the strokes while carrying them out. I love getting a lane to myself and tuning out the rest of the world. Unlike the case of group exercise classes or using gym machines or even taking walks outside, I don't have to look at anyone. There's no one to compare myself to. There's no interaction or competition or self-consciousness, which is great for me.
I might try some aqua cardio classes to mix things up in the pool, or I may sign up for a few private lessons so I can learn to do the breaststroke and backstroke more precisely and efficiently, even if I'm only going to do them slowly. (I read those are the two best strokes to do during pregnancy.) I went slowly yesterday, but still got my heart pumping and I felt deliciously tired a couple hours after my swim. I felt like I had really done something good for myself.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Sunday, June 10, 2012
What you do most of the time...matters most
We had company yesterday, and I ate way too much. I always do. I find it stressful to host people, the stress triggers urges to overeat or to binge, and feeling overwhelmed/tired/not in touch with myself, I give in to the urges without even trying in earnest to fight them off.
It's really common for me to sit down and polish off a bunch of leftovers once guests leave my home. Last night it was chocolate pudding. I don't like that I do this, and I will work on changing it. The good news, however, is that we don't host people very often. So this particular problem doesn't present itself very often.
More and more, I'm seeing scenarios I used to worry about don't matter that much, because they don't occur that often. I used to sit down and try to come up with grand plans and sets of rules, or maybe just one magical secret principle, that could cover ALL problematic scenarios for me. Hosting people. The holidays. Traveling to my hometown and eating a bunch of meals with family, who eat very differently than I do. Ravenous PMS days. When I couldn't come up with solutions for everything, and when I kept tripping up at predictable times, I would get so discouraged and let my day-to-day efforts slide. I was all-or-nothing.
That's starting to change. Perfectionism and my all-or-nothingness is fading, finally. I understand that what I do on a typical day--something like 300 days out of the year--is what matters most and deserves my closest attention. And when a not-so-great eating day comes along, like yesterday, it doesn't have to lead to an out-of-control week. Yesterday I had company and ate stupidly. I probably won't have company for another month. Hopefully I can do better next time, but there's likely 25 or 30 normal, non-company days between now and then to attend to. So on some level, I'm thinking: who cares? Let's move on.
I don't even think about balancing out the previous day's excesses. What's done is done. Letting go of yesterday helps me make better choices today because I'm not burdened with feelings of regret, shame, anxiety, and so on. It's very freeing.
This attitudinal change may be happening because I'm not trying to lose weight right now, just maintain my current weight. (Next week, I will wrap up my first trimester without having gained anything, as per my ob/gyn's instructions to gain 0-5 pounds during this period of time.) So now when I eat too much, I don't think "I blew it. There's no way I will have lost anything by the end of this week" because my focus isn't on losing. It's on staying steady as much as possible, scale-wise and eating-wise. And with less dramatic thinking in the picture, there are less dramatic behavioral swings too.
I want my new relaxed attitude to stick, though, despite the weight gain that is sure to come later and the desire for weight loss that will kick in post-pregnancy! After fixating on individual trees for so long, it's nice to see the forest.
It's really common for me to sit down and polish off a bunch of leftovers once guests leave my home. Last night it was chocolate pudding. I don't like that I do this, and I will work on changing it. The good news, however, is that we don't host people very often. So this particular problem doesn't present itself very often.
More and more, I'm seeing scenarios I used to worry about don't matter that much, because they don't occur that often. I used to sit down and try to come up with grand plans and sets of rules, or maybe just one magical secret principle, that could cover ALL problematic scenarios for me. Hosting people. The holidays. Traveling to my hometown and eating a bunch of meals with family, who eat very differently than I do. Ravenous PMS days. When I couldn't come up with solutions for everything, and when I kept tripping up at predictable times, I would get so discouraged and let my day-to-day efforts slide. I was all-or-nothing.
That's starting to change. Perfectionism and my all-or-nothingness is fading, finally. I understand that what I do on a typical day--something like 300 days out of the year--is what matters most and deserves my closest attention. And when a not-so-great eating day comes along, like yesterday, it doesn't have to lead to an out-of-control week. Yesterday I had company and ate stupidly. I probably won't have company for another month. Hopefully I can do better next time, but there's likely 25 or 30 normal, non-company days between now and then to attend to. So on some level, I'm thinking: who cares? Let's move on.
I don't even think about balancing out the previous day's excesses. What's done is done. Letting go of yesterday helps me make better choices today because I'm not burdened with feelings of regret, shame, anxiety, and so on. It's very freeing.
This attitudinal change may be happening because I'm not trying to lose weight right now, just maintain my current weight. (Next week, I will wrap up my first trimester without having gained anything, as per my ob/gyn's instructions to gain 0-5 pounds during this period of time.) So now when I eat too much, I don't think "I blew it. There's no way I will have lost anything by the end of this week" because my focus isn't on losing. It's on staying steady as much as possible, scale-wise and eating-wise. And with less dramatic thinking in the picture, there are less dramatic behavioral swings too.
I want my new relaxed attitude to stick, though, despite the weight gain that is sure to come later and the desire for weight loss that will kick in post-pregnancy! After fixating on individual trees for so long, it's nice to see the forest.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Wrapping up week 10 of pregnancy, and asking "Am I obligated to be pretty?"
On the pregnancy front, I'm less queasy--hooray!--but I don't sleep well anymore at all. I used to be one of those people that could sleep 8-10 hours straight. Totally solid sleep. Now I toss and turn, my back hurts, I get up to pee all the time. I ordered a body pillow from Amazon that I hope will help with back and abdominal support. I also ordered a prenatal yoga DVD and a prenatal strength training DVD, and I'm looking for a pair of swim shorts to wear over my old one piece so I can start swimming again. I get horrific razor burn around my bikini line and rather than let my embarrassment keep me away from the pool, I'm ready to slap on some shorts and get on with it. Summer is here!
And speaking of my skin, my appearance...I realized the other day that I feel obligated as a woman to a.) either be pretty and pleasant to look at, or b.) cover my flaws as much as possible "out of consideration for others", even if it means being physically uncomfortable or missing out on enjoyable things. As if the retinas of innocent bystanders will actually catch fire if they are subjected to my ugliness.
I know this is a really old topic, and some of the older feminists out there might be rolling their eyes. But it's one of those things that feels fresh and confusing nonetheless, for each person and each generation that grapples with it.
I thought I wanted to be attractive (or hide my numerous flaws) for all sorts of reasons: to avoid ridicule and expressions of disgust from others in order to protect myself from humiliation. On the flip side, to make me likeable to others and for the other social advantages that come from attractiveness. For innate biological reasons of wanting to attract and keep a mate. Etc etc.
But more and more, I'm realizing I feel it's somehow my DUTY to be pleasant to look at, as though being pretty is the decent, considerate thing to do. The other day I was catching some sun on my reclining deck chair in a swimsuit. My middle-aged, overweight, male neighbor came outside and started doing something in his yard, just off to my right. I immediately felt tense and self-conscious and started wondering if I looked disgusting to him. I didn't feel he was staring at me or anything, but I pondered whether I was unpleasant for this man to look at anyway.
It's silly. Not only am I not obligated to serve as eye candy for random men (or women), but I don't find this particular neighbor of mine attractive--I don't view him as a potential sexual partner--I don't think much about him, period. So why did I react this way? Why do I ALWAYS feel almost apologetic about my appearance? It might be a smart move to make oneself as attractive as possible; it may be advantageous on many levels. But is anyone obligated to be hot? Is anyone obligated to attempt to be hot? I don't think so.
I know that these feelings of obligation come from socialization, including aggressive marketing aimed at girls and women. But understanding the origins of it all doesn't really help me reprogram my thinking, it seems. My mom and older sister hated their bodily flaws and would express disgust when some other person lacked the "decency" to cover up bad skin, legs with severe cellulite, back fat, whatever. Over the years, I have found myself thinking similar things: "why doesn't this person simply cover that up? Wear a looser fitting top? Aren't they embarrassed?"
Well, no. Maybe they aren't embarrassed. Maybe they have higher priorities than masking their physical flaws. Maybe they don't even consider themselves flawed! And moreover, they don't owe anyone anything, and they aren't hurting anyone.
Even today, while shopping for swim shorts, I was reading reviews online and saw comments like "these shorts provide good coverage. No woman my age should be walking around in a regular suit. No one needs to see that." Or "I don't want to subject others to my fat thighs so I got these." One person actually said something like "I don't want to see anything old and saggy at the beach, including myself. These shorts do the trick."
So I guess if you can't fit the mainstream definition of attractiveness, you should at least have the decency to hide what makes you ugly? I don't know what else to say or do about this. After all, I'm ordering swim shorts to hide my razor burn (oh, and upper thigh cellulite and any stray hairs I might miss when shaving, because I am rather hairy and...)
Have any readers out there successfully gotten over feelings of obligation/duty/decency in regards to their appearance?
And speaking of my skin, my appearance...I realized the other day that I feel obligated as a woman to a.) either be pretty and pleasant to look at, or b.) cover my flaws as much as possible "out of consideration for others", even if it means being physically uncomfortable or missing out on enjoyable things. As if the retinas of innocent bystanders will actually catch fire if they are subjected to my ugliness.
I know this is a really old topic, and some of the older feminists out there might be rolling their eyes. But it's one of those things that feels fresh and confusing nonetheless, for each person and each generation that grapples with it.
I thought I wanted to be attractive (or hide my numerous flaws) for all sorts of reasons: to avoid ridicule and expressions of disgust from others in order to protect myself from humiliation. On the flip side, to make me likeable to others and for the other social advantages that come from attractiveness. For innate biological reasons of wanting to attract and keep a mate. Etc etc.
But more and more, I'm realizing I feel it's somehow my DUTY to be pleasant to look at, as though being pretty is the decent, considerate thing to do. The other day I was catching some sun on my reclining deck chair in a swimsuit. My middle-aged, overweight, male neighbor came outside and started doing something in his yard, just off to my right. I immediately felt tense and self-conscious and started wondering if I looked disgusting to him. I didn't feel he was staring at me or anything, but I pondered whether I was unpleasant for this man to look at anyway.
It's silly. Not only am I not obligated to serve as eye candy for random men (or women), but I don't find this particular neighbor of mine attractive--I don't view him as a potential sexual partner--I don't think much about him, period. So why did I react this way? Why do I ALWAYS feel almost apologetic about my appearance? It might be a smart move to make oneself as attractive as possible; it may be advantageous on many levels. But is anyone obligated to be hot? Is anyone obligated to attempt to be hot? I don't think so.
I know that these feelings of obligation come from socialization, including aggressive marketing aimed at girls and women. But understanding the origins of it all doesn't really help me reprogram my thinking, it seems. My mom and older sister hated their bodily flaws and would express disgust when some other person lacked the "decency" to cover up bad skin, legs with severe cellulite, back fat, whatever. Over the years, I have found myself thinking similar things: "why doesn't this person simply cover that up? Wear a looser fitting top? Aren't they embarrassed?"
Well, no. Maybe they aren't embarrassed. Maybe they have higher priorities than masking their physical flaws. Maybe they don't even consider themselves flawed! And moreover, they don't owe anyone anything, and they aren't hurting anyone.
Even today, while shopping for swim shorts, I was reading reviews online and saw comments like "these shorts provide good coverage. No woman my age should be walking around in a regular suit. No one needs to see that." Or "I don't want to subject others to my fat thighs so I got these." One person actually said something like "I don't want to see anything old and saggy at the beach, including myself. These shorts do the trick."
So I guess if you can't fit the mainstream definition of attractiveness, you should at least have the decency to hide what makes you ugly? I don't know what else to say or do about this. After all, I'm ordering swim shorts to hide my razor burn (oh, and upper thigh cellulite and any stray hairs I might miss when shaving, because I am rather hairy and...)
Have any readers out there successfully gotten over feelings of obligation/duty/decency in regards to their appearance?
Monday, May 21, 2012
Heading into week 9 of pregnancy, and thinking about multi-generational food abuse
Everything is fine, as far as I know. I had a checkup last Friday that went well. Unless there is a problem, I won't have another checkup or ultrasound for another 4 weeks. Seems like a long time to wait! I'm so anxious and impatient.
Queasiness keeps me from having too much interest in food, but I am so very grateful I am not vomiting. I focus on my water intake. My weight is stable at 250. I take walks, have slowly started up the strength training again, and I do a bit of yoga each day to ease my lower back pain. A quick session of child's pose, cat/cow, and downward facing dog actually alleviates pain for a couple of hours. My meditation practice is non-existent and I want to change that.
Even though I'm not terribly interested in food these days, guess what tastes the best and sits very well with me? Ice cream. Honey nut Cheerios. Lassi. Toast with jam. Yep, sugar, dairy, and refined carbs. I eat salads and fruit and lean meat and hummus and other stuff too, but it doesn't go down as easily. Binging hasn't been a big problem, but I overeat the hyperpalatable stuff regularly and want to stop. I haven't forgotten about Brain over Binge or ditched it in favor of some other philosophy...I'm simply tired and out of sorts. I've started thinking about binge eating recovery more the past couple of days, though.
I sat down and made a list of things I want to teach my child about food and eating. What kind of behavior do I want to model? What kind of household do I want them to grow up in? Surely not the unstructured kind that I experienced, where the parents hide their special junk food from the kids, the kids are left to grab peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or bowls of cereal by themselves throughout the day...except for dinner, where we would all sit down to Hamburger Helper and canned vegetables and fruit. I don't want them to binge like me; I don't want them to insist on pairing meals with TV, like my husband does. So many things need to change. I'm the fifth generation of obese, food abusing women in my family. I have verbal accounts and photographic evidence going back to my great-great grandma, who happened to be very large before there were drive-thrus and 1,700 flavors of Ben & Jerry's at the local grocery store and buffets in each town, and I would not be surprised if the problem goes several generations back further than that.
As much as I don't want to be sloppy and lazy when it comes to the family's nutrition, I also don't want to be shrill, dogmatic, unkind, dramatic--putting kids on diets, making them scared of food or of ever gaining weight, teaching them to look down on others that don't eat like we do. I know there is a middle ground, but I don't have firsthand experience with it. My mom managed to cover both extremes: she was not interested in cooking for us at all, but she took my older brother to Weight Watchers with her when he was a boy so HE would learn to eat more intelligently. He was like 8 or 9, surrounded by crappy processed food at home that he mostly had to prepare himself, with an obese mom and a sugar-loving, chain-smoking dad...and the problem was thought to be HIS lack of self-control?!?! He found the experience of attending a diet club populated by middle aged women mortifying. I can't imagine the public weekly weigh-ins and the comments these adults probably made about the one child (probably also the one male; it was the 80's) in attendance! Today, he is an obese adult with real hostility towards any discussion of eating healthfully or losing weight.
Bottom line--I'm simultaneously scared about screwing things up for yet another generation, and excited and hopeful that parenting might be that final push I require to nail various behavioral problems and become the person I've always wanted to be. Do any of you know people that re-invented themselves via parenthood, especially in terms of food/eating/weight/addiction? I'd love to hear about it.
Queasiness keeps me from having too much interest in food, but I am so very grateful I am not vomiting. I focus on my water intake. My weight is stable at 250. I take walks, have slowly started up the strength training again, and I do a bit of yoga each day to ease my lower back pain. A quick session of child's pose, cat/cow, and downward facing dog actually alleviates pain for a couple of hours. My meditation practice is non-existent and I want to change that.
Even though I'm not terribly interested in food these days, guess what tastes the best and sits very well with me? Ice cream. Honey nut Cheerios. Lassi. Toast with jam. Yep, sugar, dairy, and refined carbs. I eat salads and fruit and lean meat and hummus and other stuff too, but it doesn't go down as easily. Binging hasn't been a big problem, but I overeat the hyperpalatable stuff regularly and want to stop. I haven't forgotten about Brain over Binge or ditched it in favor of some other philosophy...I'm simply tired and out of sorts. I've started thinking about binge eating recovery more the past couple of days, though.
I sat down and made a list of things I want to teach my child about food and eating. What kind of behavior do I want to model? What kind of household do I want them to grow up in? Surely not the unstructured kind that I experienced, where the parents hide their special junk food from the kids, the kids are left to grab peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or bowls of cereal by themselves throughout the day...except for dinner, where we would all sit down to Hamburger Helper and canned vegetables and fruit. I don't want them to binge like me; I don't want them to insist on pairing meals with TV, like my husband does. So many things need to change. I'm the fifth generation of obese, food abusing women in my family. I have verbal accounts and photographic evidence going back to my great-great grandma, who happened to be very large before there were drive-thrus and 1,700 flavors of Ben & Jerry's at the local grocery store and buffets in each town, and I would not be surprised if the problem goes several generations back further than that.
As much as I don't want to be sloppy and lazy when it comes to the family's nutrition, I also don't want to be shrill, dogmatic, unkind, dramatic--putting kids on diets, making them scared of food or of ever gaining weight, teaching them to look down on others that don't eat like we do. I know there is a middle ground, but I don't have firsthand experience with it. My mom managed to cover both extremes: she was not interested in cooking for us at all, but she took my older brother to Weight Watchers with her when he was a boy so HE would learn to eat more intelligently. He was like 8 or 9, surrounded by crappy processed food at home that he mostly had to prepare himself, with an obese mom and a sugar-loving, chain-smoking dad...and the problem was thought to be HIS lack of self-control?!?! He found the experience of attending a diet club populated by middle aged women mortifying. I can't imagine the public weekly weigh-ins and the comments these adults probably made about the one child (probably also the one male; it was the 80's) in attendance! Today, he is an obese adult with real hostility towards any discussion of eating healthfully or losing weight.
Bottom line--I'm simultaneously scared about screwing things up for yet another generation, and excited and hopeful that parenting might be that final push I require to nail various behavioral problems and become the person I've always wanted to be. Do any of you know people that re-invented themselves via parenthood, especially in terms of food/eating/weight/addiction? I'd love to hear about it.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Week 7 update
I had a little scare this week--some light spotting Thursday night that resulted in an early, unscheduled ultrasound on Friday morning. The doctor said everything looked ok and confirmed the presence of a heartbeat. Such relief. I have a regular checkup and scheduled ultrasound this coming Friday and was assured that at this stage, the embryo grows so quickly that even one week will make a difference in terms of what we can see on the screen. This experience only confirmed it's best not to share too much until the first trimester is complete!
Really fatigued and only the last few days, rather queasy. I don't feel like eating much and when I do have an appetite, I can hardly stand the idea of vegetables. I'm too tired to prep them and the thought of eating them...well, makes me not want to eat at all. I'd been feeling a lot of guilt about this. I wanted to be "perfect" from day 1 in my pregnancy, of course, and drink tons of water and eat tons of vegetables and fruits and have this balanced exercise regimen...and my all-or-nothing thinking is creating misery yet again. I'm ready to chuck it to the curb and be realistic: eating a serving of fresh vegetables most days--perhaps in a salad, or a veggie frittata, or whatever--is better than nothing. It's fine. Fruit is easier to get down right now and do I really have to hate myself for not eating vegetables at every meal?
I've been taking walks and when this fatigue lets up a bit, I will slowly expand into other activities. I really wasn't anticipating this level of fatigue! Also, for some illogical reason, I didn't expect sore breasts or cramping to be an issue for me because they never have been before with my menstrual cycle. And now I'm uncomfortable due to both, every day. Not to sound too whiny; I'm actually happy! But looking forward to things getting a bit easier in the second trimester, like everyone promises they will.
Really fatigued and only the last few days, rather queasy. I don't feel like eating much and when I do have an appetite, I can hardly stand the idea of vegetables. I'm too tired to prep them and the thought of eating them...well, makes me not want to eat at all. I'd been feeling a lot of guilt about this. I wanted to be "perfect" from day 1 in my pregnancy, of course, and drink tons of water and eat tons of vegetables and fruits and have this balanced exercise regimen...and my all-or-nothing thinking is creating misery yet again. I'm ready to chuck it to the curb and be realistic: eating a serving of fresh vegetables most days--perhaps in a salad, or a veggie frittata, or whatever--is better than nothing. It's fine. Fruit is easier to get down right now and do I really have to hate myself for not eating vegetables at every meal?
I've been taking walks and when this fatigue lets up a bit, I will slowly expand into other activities. I really wasn't anticipating this level of fatigue! Also, for some illogical reason, I didn't expect sore breasts or cramping to be an issue for me because they never have been before with my menstrual cycle. And now I'm uncomfortable due to both, every day. Not to sound too whiny; I'm actually happy! But looking forward to things getting a bit easier in the second trimester, like everyone promises they will.
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