He curses (NSFW)--and tells it like it is.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
The truth
When I stop posting, you can rest assured I've lost my way. You can also assume I'm spending lots of time hunched over my laptop or iPhone, reading about nutrition.
I realized today that the ongoing nutrition research, compulsive checking of my favorite weight loss blogs, and all the rest has become an addiction of its own. I'm a sugar addict, sure, but I'm also an information junkie. At this point, I think the latter is almost more problematic than the former.
Only today did I realize that I am scared to interrupt the constant incoming stream of information about food, exercise, and health. It's like I'm frightened that tuning those things out will lead to ignoring my food/weight/health problems and result in devastating weight gain. Another fear? That the final missing piece of the puzzle--the magic detail that will make everything fall into place for me--will get overlooked if I'm not constantly taking in new information.
The (not-so) funny thing is, I've been gaining weight while all this learning and obsessing has been going on. I have knowledge, but no results to show for all my reading and ruminating. Something has got to change.
I tell myself that I've learned enough to get going on a healthier track. I do okay for a bit, then I have a few bad days of eating, freak out that I clearly don't have the answers I need, seek refuge in the stories and research and views and programs of others, try to adapt to some of models I read about (trying OA, eating low carb, going paleo, whatever), hit a roadblock of some sort, repeat cycle. It's tiresome.
I miss having a life outside of this obsession.
Here's the other bit of truth telling for today: starting this blog has shown me, yet again, how hard I try to perform for others. I want so badly to appear that I've got my shit together; another part of me longs to be vulnerable and real and honest about how out of control my life often feels.
When I was getting things set up on Blogger, I sat down and made a little weekly schedule for my blog. On Monday I'm going to write about this, and Tuesday about this, and so forth. I wanted to go from not having a blog to having an amazing one that shows how awesome and determined I am, and I wanted it to happen overnight. When I got busy and couldn't create the kinds of posts I was envisioning right out of the gate, I opted to skip posting altogether. It's classic perfectionistic, all-or-nothing behavior and it invades many areas of my life.
Isn't a little post that simply tells the truth about what's going on better than nothing? And why would a person that has 100+ pounds to lose try to pretend that everything is smooth sailing all the time in Dietland?
Tonight, I'm admitting that I'm shipwrecked.
I realized today that the ongoing nutrition research, compulsive checking of my favorite weight loss blogs, and all the rest has become an addiction of its own. I'm a sugar addict, sure, but I'm also an information junkie. At this point, I think the latter is almost more problematic than the former.
Only today did I realize that I am scared to interrupt the constant incoming stream of information about food, exercise, and health. It's like I'm frightened that tuning those things out will lead to ignoring my food/weight/health problems and result in devastating weight gain. Another fear? That the final missing piece of the puzzle--the magic detail that will make everything fall into place for me--will get overlooked if I'm not constantly taking in new information.
The (not-so) funny thing is, I've been gaining weight while all this learning and obsessing has been going on. I have knowledge, but no results to show for all my reading and ruminating. Something has got to change.
I tell myself that I've learned enough to get going on a healthier track. I do okay for a bit, then I have a few bad days of eating, freak out that I clearly don't have the answers I need, seek refuge in the stories and research and views and programs of others, try to adapt to some of models I read about (trying OA, eating low carb, going paleo, whatever), hit a roadblock of some sort, repeat cycle. It's tiresome.
I miss having a life outside of this obsession.
Here's the other bit of truth telling for today: starting this blog has shown me, yet again, how hard I try to perform for others. I want so badly to appear that I've got my shit together; another part of me longs to be vulnerable and real and honest about how out of control my life often feels.
When I was getting things set up on Blogger, I sat down and made a little weekly schedule for my blog. On Monday I'm going to write about this, and Tuesday about this, and so forth. I wanted to go from not having a blog to having an amazing one that shows how awesome and determined I am, and I wanted it to happen overnight. When I got busy and couldn't create the kinds of posts I was envisioning right out of the gate, I opted to skip posting altogether. It's classic perfectionistic, all-or-nothing behavior and it invades many areas of my life.
Isn't a little post that simply tells the truth about what's going on better than nothing? And why would a person that has 100+ pounds to lose try to pretend that everything is smooth sailing all the time in Dietland?
Tonight, I'm admitting that I'm shipwrecked.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Out of sorts
I'm all over the place at the moment. I had guests over the weekend and on Monday, which left me exhausted. (It always does.) So yesterday I slept most of the day away before going out for dinner and a late movie. Today I start a certificate program in writing that I'm very excited about and I'm unable to focus on much else.
Some meal planning, grocery shopping, and a trip to the gym is all that I need to get the wheels in motion again, and that's how I want to spend my day tomorrow. I don't like this directionless, scattered feeling.
My reward for losing 10 lbs. arrived this afternoon, though, which is both a bright spot in my day and a reminder that I want to resume my efforts and earn more rewards! I will post pics when I get it assembled.
Some meal planning, grocery shopping, and a trip to the gym is all that I need to get the wheels in motion again, and that's how I want to spend my day tomorrow. I don't like this directionless, scattered feeling.
My reward for losing 10 lbs. arrived this afternoon, though, which is both a bright spot in my day and a reminder that I want to resume my efforts and earn more rewards! I will post pics when I get it assembled.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Exercise plans for this week, 9/19-9/25
I'm all caught up with moving my handful of posts from Tumblr to this blog. So starting with this post, the dates you see are correct.
This is my plan for the week:
Monday (today)--off
Tuesday--Body Pump class at 7:35 p.m.
Wednesday--a bit of cardio plus Gentle Yoga class at 9:15 a.m.
Thursday--cardio and strength training on the machines
Friday--day off. Will be shopping and walking around a lot.
Saturday--Pilates mat with props class at 11:30 a.m.
Sunday--take a walk
I need an eating plan too. I've had four horrible days in a row, starting on Friday. I prepared carmelized nuts that evening for the guests we were having over for a potluck the next day. I couldn't stop eating them. The day of the potluck, Saturday, was completely off the rails. Sunday the madness continued. Today has not been as bad, but I've had more carbs than I think is reasonable and I'm not feeling good. I feel completely lost and want to get back to the sane way I was eating before. I hate how sugar intake narrows my focus down to the pursuit of more sugar; there is a whole wide world out there and so much potential in me, but sugar shrinks all that down to nothingness.
This is my plan for the week:
Monday (today)--off
Tuesday--Body Pump class at 7:35 p.m.
Wednesday--a bit of cardio plus Gentle Yoga class at 9:15 a.m.
Thursday--cardio and strength training on the machines
Friday--day off. Will be shopping and walking around a lot.
Saturday--Pilates mat with props class at 11:30 a.m.
Sunday--take a walk
I need an eating plan too. I've had four horrible days in a row, starting on Friday. I prepared carmelized nuts that evening for the guests we were having over for a potluck the next day. I couldn't stop eating them. The day of the potluck, Saturday, was completely off the rails. Sunday the madness continued. Today has not been as bad, but I've had more carbs than I think is reasonable and I'm not feeling good. I feel completely lost and want to get back to the sane way I was eating before. I hate how sugar intake narrows my focus down to the pursuit of more sugar; there is a whole wide world out there and so much potential in me, but sugar shrinks all that down to nothingness.
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