Thursday, December 8, 2011

Yesterday's descent

I'm full-out eating sugar today, but the downward spiral began yesterday.

December 7th food log:

Indian buffet for lunch: chicken, rice, vegetables, naan
octopus (part of an appetizer shared with others; I'm not insane.)
root beer
skinny peppermint mocha frappuccino
a few mini candy canes

I woke up today still feeling the "itch" and thought to myself that I had to get rid of it. It's been bugging me for days now, and it presents a real dilemma. The choices?

a) eat sugar, possibly worsen my cravings, and mess up my effort to avoid desserts until Christmas (and store-bought crap in general)
b) don't eat sugar, keep white knuckling it, and risk feeling so crazy and desperate that I fall into a massive, multi-week binge in the near future.

I chose to eat sugar. Clearly I'm not going to make it all the way to Christmas without sweets; I've given in a couple of times already and we are only about a week into the month. But I can aim for minimizing my consumption--to rack up as many days as I can without the stuff, and thereby prevent December from becoming a free-for-all. I don't have to gain weight this month and start 2012 off with more of a burden to carry.

So the new question is: how many days in December can I avoid sweets?

I'm going to buy myself a little reward for each day I successfully avoid sweets. A song from iTunes is only a buck, for example.


I haven't had this blog for very long, but already I am frustrated with how much I contradict myself on this thing. I declare one thing one day, another thing the next. It reflects how much turmoil there is in my life regarding food, weight, etc. and how desperately I am grasping for workable solutions.

I don't see how it can improve, however, unless I keep putting the whole mess out there. I need to keep stripping away the hold that shame and perfectionism have over me.

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