First, let me get Friday, December 2nd's food log out of the way:
a fried egg, satsuma mandarin, and 2 pieces of toast
a bowl of cheerios with a banana
a Kind bar
Dairy Queen double cheeseburger, fries, and a small blizzard
hot cocoa with mint marshmallows (this was gross)
a few crackers
The Dairy Queen meal was unplanned, as was that blizzard. I could dissect the whole incident at length--the way I was tempted by the novelty of a blizzard flavor I'd never seen before, the way I should have ordered the mini size instead of the small, the way I thought "fuck it" and had hot cocoa a few hours later since I had "blown the day." But I'd rather just brush myself off and move on, and not consider December ruined; my effort to limit desserts to just Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and New Year's Eve is restarted as of this morning.
***
Sometimes I'm frightened by the amount of (metaphorical) hunger I feel. It seems I want so, so much from life. Knowledge, experiences, relationships, feelings, and of course, material pleasures too. There are so many things I'd like to master, so many things I want to do, and so many places I want to see that when I contemplate them, I feel crazed with lust and full of fear and despair at the same time.
How will there ever be enough time and resources?!
But I have to choose among these desires and prioritize. We all do. This isn't a bad thing; it's just reality. I'm lucky to even have all these possibilities open to me! I want life's array of possibilities and pleasures to be a source of joy for me, instead of a wellspring of anxiety and depression. Working on that...
It's amazing how binge eating dulls these hungers, though, isn't it? When I binge, I don't feel the overwhelming pangs of lust for life as sharply. It's there, churning and moaning beneath the surface. But if I'm physically bloated and slow and miserable--if I'm obsessing over my next sugar conquest--if I'm worrying about how I'll forever be fat and blow my knees out by age 35--I can't really focus on my deeper desires.
That's a big part of why I do it, and the biggest reason I've got to stop.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
I want to weigh 200 pounds
Just typing that is a relief. It's also invigorating, because it seems attainable.
For a long time, I've been focusing on 175 as an initial goal and 150 as an eventual ideal. Those numbers have danced in my head for years now, and meanwhile I've gained weight or stayed stuck at the same high numbers. I was at my highest, 275, for a long time. I'm around 265 now, so I have my work cut out for me.
But losing 65 pounds doesn't seem as impossible as losing 110. Also, life wasn't easy at 200 pounds, but I can now say from experience that it's a hell of a lot easier than life at 265 or 275.
Frightening how numbers that used to horrify (200?! shit!!!) become something to aspire to after awhile, huh?
Numbers are useful, which is why I'm talking about them. But at the end of the day, what I want even more than a particular number is the security of knowing I'm no longer a binge eater. Knowing I can trust myself--that I'm an advocate for myself, instead of an enemy and saboteur. Knowing that I'm not a slave to certain foods and the companies that make them.
***
I didn't want to post my food for December 1st, because it seemed like so much. The whole point of the logging exercise is not about accountability to others and self-shaming to keep myself in line, though. (As I once thought.) It's about overcoming shame and secrecy, not feeling apologetic for being hungry or for eating, and no longer thinking I need to prove to anyone how hard I'm trying to be "good" (i.e., thinner, more ladylike).
It's still hard to do, though, especially on days like December 1st.
Anyway, this is what I ate between 3 a.m. on December 1st and 3 a.m. on December 2nd (my sleep is messed up right now):
a slice of gouda cheese with a slice of turkey
a bowl of bean soup; an apple with a bit of peanut butter
small amount of rice, seaweed salad, and roasted duck
curried paneer with spinach rice; a naan with a slice of cheddar
a bowl of Cheerios with honey and milk
3 Kind bars
For a long time, I've been focusing on 175 as an initial goal and 150 as an eventual ideal. Those numbers have danced in my head for years now, and meanwhile I've gained weight or stayed stuck at the same high numbers. I was at my highest, 275, for a long time. I'm around 265 now, so I have my work cut out for me.
But losing 65 pounds doesn't seem as impossible as losing 110. Also, life wasn't easy at 200 pounds, but I can now say from experience that it's a hell of a lot easier than life at 265 or 275.
Frightening how numbers that used to horrify (200?! shit!!!) become something to aspire to after awhile, huh?
Numbers are useful, which is why I'm talking about them. But at the end of the day, what I want even more than a particular number is the security of knowing I'm no longer a binge eater. Knowing I can trust myself--that I'm an advocate for myself, instead of an enemy and saboteur. Knowing that I'm not a slave to certain foods and the companies that make them.
***
I didn't want to post my food for December 1st, because it seemed like so much. The whole point of the logging exercise is not about accountability to others and self-shaming to keep myself in line, though. (As I once thought.) It's about overcoming shame and secrecy, not feeling apologetic for being hungry or for eating, and no longer thinking I need to prove to anyone how hard I'm trying to be "good" (i.e., thinner, more ladylike).
It's still hard to do, though, especially on days like December 1st.
Anyway, this is what I ate between 3 a.m. on December 1st and 3 a.m. on December 2nd (my sleep is messed up right now):
a slice of gouda cheese with a slice of turkey
a bowl of bean soup; an apple with a bit of peanut butter
small amount of rice, seaweed salad, and roasted duck
curried paneer with spinach rice; a naan with a slice of cheddar
a bowl of Cheerios with honey and milk
3 Kind bars
Thursday, December 1, 2011
The holidays ahead
Today, the last day of November, was more reasonable than the last two days. I had a coconut-almond Kind bar, a bowl of bean soup, turkey/cheese/spinach on a bagel, a tall caramel brulee latte from Starbucks, and Turkish "pizza" (ground lamb and vegetables on flatbread).
So now December has arrived. Do I have the strength to limit myself to only homebaked goods (made by my own hands) on just a few special days this month? Some family members are planning to travel to my house for Christmas, and I'd like to make a couple kinds of cookies and try my hand at making eggnog from scratch for the first time. Maybe a red velvet cake, too. Homemade goods have become something of a rarity in my family, as most of our parties feature store-bought cakes, cookies, etc. But now that I have a house and the opportunity to play hostess, I'm trying to establish new traditions; when the people I love indulge at my house, I'd like it to be with something real instead of with various combinations of high fructose corn syrup and partially hydrogenated soybean oil. Not that I don't dump those very things into my body, but I'm trying to change. I'm trying to create an emotional association between those kinds of cheap mass-produced goods and the phenomenon of people not caring about one another. (Which, if you think about it, makes perfect sense. The companies that make these treats don't care about you or your health. And even though cake shouldn't be equated with love, more effort and care go into a homemade cake than into a package of Little Debbie.) I want cheap sweets to become emotionally repellent so that I don't have to struggle so hard with temptation anymore.
To get through December, I'm going to have to stay busy, engage in exercise for stress relief, and create a new habit like drinking tea each evening (my most vulnerable time for eating sweets). Oh, and remind myself that I'm NOT deprived in any way--that I'm CHOOSING to do something good on my own behalf because I care about myself. Perhaps most fundamentally, my vision of Christmas needs to change, to include a picture of myself enjoying and modeling vibrant health in the midst of all the festivities. My tendency is to fantasize about making the house, the meal, the everything (except me, of course) look like something out of a magazine. To make those things the symbol of a perfect Christmas, and not even think about my own well-being--if anything, to sacrifice my well-being in the service of ridiculous Martha Stewart-esque Christmas visions.
I will still endeavor to put on a lovely holiday for my family, but I want to be able to enjoy it. And I can only enjoy it if I'm feeling good. And that requires decent food, exercise, sleep, grooming, de-stressing...and reasonable expectations for myself and the holiday season in general.
So now December has arrived. Do I have the strength to limit myself to only homebaked goods (made by my own hands) on just a few special days this month? Some family members are planning to travel to my house for Christmas, and I'd like to make a couple kinds of cookies and try my hand at making eggnog from scratch for the first time. Maybe a red velvet cake, too. Homemade goods have become something of a rarity in my family, as most of our parties feature store-bought cakes, cookies, etc. But now that I have a house and the opportunity to play hostess, I'm trying to establish new traditions; when the people I love indulge at my house, I'd like it to be with something real instead of with various combinations of high fructose corn syrup and partially hydrogenated soybean oil. Not that I don't dump those very things into my body, but I'm trying to change. I'm trying to create an emotional association between those kinds of cheap mass-produced goods and the phenomenon of people not caring about one another. (Which, if you think about it, makes perfect sense. The companies that make these treats don't care about you or your health. And even though cake shouldn't be equated with love, more effort and care go into a homemade cake than into a package of Little Debbie.) I want cheap sweets to become emotionally repellent so that I don't have to struggle so hard with temptation anymore.
To get through December, I'm going to have to stay busy, engage in exercise for stress relief, and create a new habit like drinking tea each evening (my most vulnerable time for eating sweets). Oh, and remind myself that I'm NOT deprived in any way--that I'm CHOOSING to do something good on my own behalf because I care about myself. Perhaps most fundamentally, my vision of Christmas needs to change, to include a picture of myself enjoying and modeling vibrant health in the midst of all the festivities. My tendency is to fantasize about making the house, the meal, the everything (except me, of course) look like something out of a magazine. To make those things the symbol of a perfect Christmas, and not even think about my own well-being--if anything, to sacrifice my well-being in the service of ridiculous Martha Stewart-esque Christmas visions.
I will still endeavor to put on a lovely holiday for my family, but I want to be able to enjoy it. And I can only enjoy it if I'm feeling good. And that requires decent food, exercise, sleep, grooming, de-stressing...and reasonable expectations for myself and the holiday season in general.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Eating poorly and thinking about Patrice O'Neal
The usual pattern for me is for my eating to get worse as the day progresses. If something is stressing me out, I make even worse choices.
Today I had a bagel with spinach, turkey, cheese, and mayo as my first meal. Drank a glass of milk with it. Then a turkey wrap at a restaurant. As a writing deadline approached this evening, I went off the rails (as is typical under stress). I ate a Green & Black's peanut and sea salt chocolate bar, followed by an almond and coconut Kind bar. Met my deadline, then ate a bowl of 15 bean soup and the second Green & Blacks bar I had purchased: milk chocolate toffee. (These bars are huge; looking at the wrapper of the toffee one now, after the fact, I see that it contained 525 calories and 55 grams of sugar.)
I was midway through that second chocolate bar, and browsing online, when I read that Patrice O'Neal had died. This is a comic I respect and had recently watched and enjoyed, dead at 41 from a stroke related to diabetes complications--or so the news outlets are currently reporting.
You know what's scary? O'Neal talked about the fact that he needed to lose weight to stay alive, and even that knowledge wasn't enough to motivate him. And I continued to eat and finish a chocolate candy bar--my second one of the evening--while reading about his diabetes, stroke, and premature death.
Food addiction is scary, serious shit.
Today I had a bagel with spinach, turkey, cheese, and mayo as my first meal. Drank a glass of milk with it. Then a turkey wrap at a restaurant. As a writing deadline approached this evening, I went off the rails (as is typical under stress). I ate a Green & Black's peanut and sea salt chocolate bar, followed by an almond and coconut Kind bar. Met my deadline, then ate a bowl of 15 bean soup and the second Green & Blacks bar I had purchased: milk chocolate toffee. (These bars are huge; looking at the wrapper of the toffee one now, after the fact, I see that it contained 525 calories and 55 grams of sugar.)
I was midway through that second chocolate bar, and browsing online, when I read that Patrice O'Neal had died. This is a comic I respect and had recently watched and enjoyed, dead at 41 from a stroke related to diabetes complications--or so the news outlets are currently reporting.
You know what's scary? O'Neal talked about the fact that he needed to lose weight to stay alive, and even that knowledge wasn't enough to motivate him. And I continued to eat and finish a chocolate candy bar--my second one of the evening--while reading about his diabetes, stroke, and premature death.
Food addiction is scary, serious shit.
Monday, November 28, 2011
This is what disordered eating looks like
Today, I was worrying about the carb content of my meals. I had leftover bean soup for breakfast, grabbed a bagel with cream cheese for lunch, and ate three small chicken tacos for dinner. I felt bad about the lack of vegetables and the amount of starch I had consumed. I chastised myself for not drinking enough water and for skipping the gym. I wondered if eating oatmeal later in the day (complete with raisins and milk and honey and pecans) in the event of post-dinner hunger was "exactly the type of behavior that keeps me fat." I didn't come to a conclusion on this question, but it was on my mind.
At the end of the day, I found myself in Target and compulsively grabbed Limited Edition peppermint Oreos off the shelf and ate them all in one sitting when I got home. Not that I had been wanting Oreos--and they didn't taste like anything special.
I had no intention to binge, but I have to wonder if being down on myself throughout the day for "not being perfect" set me up for this: the old all-or-nothing thinking. I also have an assignment due tomorrow night that I don't want to complete, and my resentment and procrastination on that front probably fueled the fire as well.
My point is that I worried about the fattening effects of a bowl of oatmeal, but didn't think twice before consuming an entire package of Oreos. Really. At no point did I stop and have the conscious thought: THIS is exactly the kind of behavior that keeps me fat--downing a box of sugar and chemicals.
Yet it is. Oatmeal and beans aren't the culprit, for crying out loud! Yes, it would be great to reduce carbs, but the worst sources need to go first.
***
Daily records of food and exercise are just about the most boring kinds of blog entries imaginable, yet I think it would do me good to publish the truth on this blog.
I had big plans for the blog in the beginning, but backed off when I realized I was merely hoping to echo some of the successful weight loss bloggers out there that I read and admire. I wasn't positioning myself to be honest and genuine. What's more, I don't want weight and food issues to be the center of my life, identity, or writing activity. It's a real part of me and something that needs to be addressed continually, but there is so much more to me; devoting massive amounts of time to a blog about binge eating disorder and attempts to lose weight is not what I want to do or who I want to be at this moment in time.
So I stepped away for awhile. And by stepping away, I've realized a few things.
1. It would be best for me to not read other weight loss blogs for awhile so that I can rediscover my own voice.
2. I'd like to try a daily food and exercise log, and to post my weight regularly. It's boring, but it gives an honest picture of what is driving the scale up or down.
3. I think going to the gym three days a week, for me, would be an accomplishment. And exercising a fourth day at home would make me feel even better about myself. I do not expect myself to have a formal exercise session every day.
4. I'm only going to post actual essays on the blog when I feel moved to do so. Right now I'm thinking daily records and one essay a month is perfectly acceptable. I want to spend my time changing, not talking about changing, you know?
At the end of the day, I found myself in Target and compulsively grabbed Limited Edition peppermint Oreos off the shelf and ate them all in one sitting when I got home. Not that I had been wanting Oreos--and they didn't taste like anything special.
I had no intention to binge, but I have to wonder if being down on myself throughout the day for "not being perfect" set me up for this: the old all-or-nothing thinking. I also have an assignment due tomorrow night that I don't want to complete, and my resentment and procrastination on that front probably fueled the fire as well.
My point is that I worried about the fattening effects of a bowl of oatmeal, but didn't think twice before consuming an entire package of Oreos. Really. At no point did I stop and have the conscious thought: THIS is exactly the kind of behavior that keeps me fat--downing a box of sugar and chemicals.
Yet it is. Oatmeal and beans aren't the culprit, for crying out loud! Yes, it would be great to reduce carbs, but the worst sources need to go first.
***
Daily records of food and exercise are just about the most boring kinds of blog entries imaginable, yet I think it would do me good to publish the truth on this blog.
I had big plans for the blog in the beginning, but backed off when I realized I was merely hoping to echo some of the successful weight loss bloggers out there that I read and admire. I wasn't positioning myself to be honest and genuine. What's more, I don't want weight and food issues to be the center of my life, identity, or writing activity. It's a real part of me and something that needs to be addressed continually, but there is so much more to me; devoting massive amounts of time to a blog about binge eating disorder and attempts to lose weight is not what I want to do or who I want to be at this moment in time.
So I stepped away for awhile. And by stepping away, I've realized a few things.
1. It would be best for me to not read other weight loss blogs for awhile so that I can rediscover my own voice.
2. I'd like to try a daily food and exercise log, and to post my weight regularly. It's boring, but it gives an honest picture of what is driving the scale up or down.
3. I think going to the gym three days a week, for me, would be an accomplishment. And exercising a fourth day at home would make me feel even better about myself. I do not expect myself to have a formal exercise session every day.
4. I'm only going to post actual essays on the blog when I feel moved to do so. Right now I'm thinking daily records and one essay a month is perfectly acceptable. I want to spend my time changing, not talking about changing, you know?
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