I'm full-out eating sugar today, but the downward spiral began yesterday.
December 7th food log:
Indian buffet for lunch: chicken, rice, vegetables, naan
pizza
octopus (part of an appetizer shared with others; I'm not insane.)
chips
root beer
skinny peppermint mocha frappuccino
a few mini candy canes
I woke up today still feeling the "itch" and thought to myself that I had to get rid of it. It's been bugging me for days now, and it presents a real dilemma. The choices?
a) eat sugar, possibly worsen my cravings, and mess up my effort to avoid desserts until Christmas (and store-bought crap in general)
b) don't eat sugar, keep white knuckling it, and risk feeling so crazy and desperate that I fall into a massive, multi-week binge in the near future.
I chose to eat sugar. Clearly I'm not going to make it all the way to Christmas without sweets; I've given in a couple of times already and we are only about a week into the month. But I can aim for minimizing my consumption--to rack up as many days as I can without the stuff, and thereby prevent December from becoming a free-for-all. I don't have to gain weight this month and start 2012 off with more of a burden to carry.
So the new question is: how many days in December can I avoid sweets?
I'm going to buy myself a little reward for each day I successfully avoid sweets. A song from iTunes is only a buck, for example.
***
I haven't had this blog for very long, but already I am frustrated with how much I contradict myself on this thing. I declare one thing one day, another thing the next. It reflects how much turmoil there is in my life regarding food, weight, etc. and how desperately I am grasping for workable solutions.
I don't see how it can improve, however, unless I keep putting the whole mess out there. I need to keep stripping away the hold that shame and perfectionism have over me.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Tough day
Today was so much harder than yesterday. I was crave-y, pissy, and dissatisfied. I developed a headache and for about 20 minutes this evening I felt like I was going to cry for no apparent reason. Nothing really hit the spot in terms of food, and I felt ill at ease in the grocery store. I wanted egg nog, but have already decided to try making my own this year.
Today's food:
some potato chips in the morning (why?!)
bowl of oatmeal
orange and dark leafy greens
nachos with low fat cheese, salsa, and guacamole
cup of herbal tea
boiled potatoes with gravy and broccoli
Kind bar and a glass of milk--this calmed the sugar cravings a little bit, but they returned a few hours later.
Meh. Good days, bad days. Moving on. I'm proud of myself for not getting a bunch of crap from the store. That much I can say!
Today's food:
some potato chips in the morning (why?!)
bowl of oatmeal
orange and dark leafy greens
nachos with low fat cheese, salsa, and guacamole
cup of herbal tea
boiled potatoes with gravy and broccoli
Kind bar and a glass of milk--this calmed the sugar cravings a little bit, but they returned a few hours later.
Meh. Good days, bad days. Moving on. I'm proud of myself for not getting a bunch of crap from the store. That much I can say!
Monday, December 5, 2011
Does this body look cared for?
Monday, December 5 food log
pork chop with warm apple-cabbage slaw
an orange
homemade chicken tacos
Today was the easiest day I've had in awhile. Having solid leftovers (the pork and cabbage) helped tremendously. And I was looking forward to my taco dinner all afternoon, which helped me not graze mindlessly. I was good and hungry when I sat down to eat...and that's rarer than I care to admit.
One thing I was pleased with today is that I caught myself wolfing down my pork chop too quickly and decided to try taking a drink of water between every mouthful. It slowed me down and I found myself chewing everything more thoroughly. By the time I was finished, I was pleasantly full and the portion I had consumed seemed just right. I didn't want or need any more. Remember this technique, self! What's that thing "they" say about a twenty minute delay between your stomach being full and your brain registering the fullness?
***
Other things from today:
1. I was taking a long look at myself in the mirror after my shower today and feeling down about the alarming state my body is in. I have really abused myself, and though I know things can improve, there is no way to undo all the damage. Nevertheless, a thought occurred to me: what if, instead of assessing whether this or that part of me is attractive (my thighs, my stomach, my nails, my hair, whatever), I simply assess whether it looks cared for? Striving to look and feel genuinely cared for is probably better for my mental health than striving to look somehow "hotter." (Whatever that means. And hotter for whose benefit, by the way?) Today, I could see clearly that the body reflected in the mirror hasn't been tended to and cared for in a long time, and that was the saddest thing of all.
Declaring it now: I want to look, feel, and be cared for.
2. My gym activity has cooled off considerably. I keep telling myself that I only have to go three times a week, on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Just show up and do whatever. But I'm resistant to it because deep down I think the only things worth going for are the classes, and I guess a part of me is lazy and another part of me resents having to plan my day's schedule around a BodyPump or yoga class.
Even though I had plenty of time to get a workout in today, I didn't. I didn't because I didn't want to go to the gym, so I decided not to exercise at all. Typical stupid, perfectionist, all-or-nothing thinking! I have stuff at home I can use, and nice places to walk near my house...and somehow I think it makes sense to not use these resources because I'm paying for a gym membership and should be using THAT resource. So illogical.
I'm thus dropping the pressure to go the gym three times a week. I expect myself to exercise three days a week, whether at the gym or at/near home, regardless of the weather. I'm going to give it a couple of months, and if I find that I don't use the gym often enough to justify the cost of membership, I will cancel it and continue to do whatever is working for me at home, in the local parks, or at another facility.
Enough of these silly games!
pork chop with warm apple-cabbage slaw
an orange
homemade chicken tacos
Today was the easiest day I've had in awhile. Having solid leftovers (the pork and cabbage) helped tremendously. And I was looking forward to my taco dinner all afternoon, which helped me not graze mindlessly. I was good and hungry when I sat down to eat...and that's rarer than I care to admit.
One thing I was pleased with today is that I caught myself wolfing down my pork chop too quickly and decided to try taking a drink of water between every mouthful. It slowed me down and I found myself chewing everything more thoroughly. By the time I was finished, I was pleasantly full and the portion I had consumed seemed just right. I didn't want or need any more. Remember this technique, self! What's that thing "they" say about a twenty minute delay between your stomach being full and your brain registering the fullness?
***
Other things from today:
1. I was taking a long look at myself in the mirror after my shower today and feeling down about the alarming state my body is in. I have really abused myself, and though I know things can improve, there is no way to undo all the damage. Nevertheless, a thought occurred to me: what if, instead of assessing whether this or that part of me is attractive (my thighs, my stomach, my nails, my hair, whatever), I simply assess whether it looks cared for? Striving to look and feel genuinely cared for is probably better for my mental health than striving to look somehow "hotter." (Whatever that means. And hotter for whose benefit, by the way?) Today, I could see clearly that the body reflected in the mirror hasn't been tended to and cared for in a long time, and that was the saddest thing of all.
Declaring it now: I want to look, feel, and be cared for.
2. My gym activity has cooled off considerably. I keep telling myself that I only have to go three times a week, on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Just show up and do whatever. But I'm resistant to it because deep down I think the only things worth going for are the classes, and I guess a part of me is lazy and another part of me resents having to plan my day's schedule around a BodyPump or yoga class.
Even though I had plenty of time to get a workout in today, I didn't. I didn't because I didn't want to go to the gym, so I decided not to exercise at all. Typical stupid, perfectionist, all-or-nothing thinking! I have stuff at home I can use, and nice places to walk near my house...and somehow I think it makes sense to not use these resources because I'm paying for a gym membership and should be using THAT resource. So illogical.
I'm thus dropping the pressure to go the gym three times a week. I expect myself to exercise three days a week, whether at the gym or at/near home, regardless of the weather. I'm going to give it a couple of months, and if I find that I don't use the gym often enough to justify the cost of membership, I will cancel it and continue to do whatever is working for me at home, in the local parks, or at another facility.
Enough of these silly games!
Sunday, December 4, 2011
I've been here before
Sunday, December 4 food log:
2 scrambled eggs, mixed leafy greens, and an orange
pb & j on wheat
pork chop with warm apple-cabbage slaw
oatmeal
mug of tea
too much ciabatta bread with butter
bowl of cheerios
This evening I just couldn't get satisfied and kept reaching for the one thing that always eggs hunger and craving on further: carbs. Frustrating!
But I'm not going to get all down on myself. I've been in this place enough times before to recognize what's going on, and this time, I'm going to handle it differently.
When I stop binging on sugary foods, even for just a few days, I feel extra hungry and crave-y. I would estimate that eliminating the daily binge shaves off anywhere from 500-2000 calories that my body is used to having, typically late in the day. That's a big adjustment, and it's no surprise that I succumb to the bread and cold cereal when I'm only a few days into the change. There's a whole lot going on with sugar, insulin, and my brain chemistry, as well.
What has happened many times in the past is that I get mad at myself for replacing pints of ice cream with bowls of cereal, I don't give myself enough time to build new habits, and I have no patience for my body's desire to adjust to fewer calories gradually. I berate myself for my meal choices (there is always something to criticize!) and for not being a super dieter all-around. I expect too much too soon, and fail to live up to those expectations.
AND THEN I GIVE UP, AND GO BACK TO BINGING.
I don't want to do that this time! I want to love myself down the scale, not hate myself there. I'm in this for the long haul and I have a realistic goal set. I'd like to reach 200 by my 30th birthday at the end of next summer. And then I'd like to stay there awhile to give myself time to adjust and time to practice maintaining a stable weight.
There are so many aspects of my eating that need to be changed, but it can't all happen overnight. Cutting down on the desserts is a great first step. If I can prevent December from becoming a month-long binge on packaged holiday "treats", that itself is a vast improvement over every other December I can remember!
Keeping that in mind, some things that might help me going forward:
bigger meals (focused on protein and veg);
a fourth meal late at night;
or having the right kinds of snacks on hand, like boiled eggs and celery with no-sugar peanut butter;
more water
2 scrambled eggs, mixed leafy greens, and an orange
pb & j on wheat
pork chop with warm apple-cabbage slaw
oatmeal
mug of tea
too much ciabatta bread with butter
bowl of cheerios
This evening I just couldn't get satisfied and kept reaching for the one thing that always eggs hunger and craving on further: carbs. Frustrating!
But I'm not going to get all down on myself. I've been in this place enough times before to recognize what's going on, and this time, I'm going to handle it differently.
When I stop binging on sugary foods, even for just a few days, I feel extra hungry and crave-y. I would estimate that eliminating the daily binge shaves off anywhere from 500-2000 calories that my body is used to having, typically late in the day. That's a big adjustment, and it's no surprise that I succumb to the bread and cold cereal when I'm only a few days into the change. There's a whole lot going on with sugar, insulin, and my brain chemistry, as well.
What has happened many times in the past is that I get mad at myself for replacing pints of ice cream with bowls of cereal, I don't give myself enough time to build new habits, and I have no patience for my body's desire to adjust to fewer calories gradually. I berate myself for my meal choices (there is always something to criticize!) and for not being a super dieter all-around. I expect too much too soon, and fail to live up to those expectations.
AND THEN I GIVE UP, AND GO BACK TO BINGING.
I don't want to do that this time! I want to love myself down the scale, not hate myself there. I'm in this for the long haul and I have a realistic goal set. I'd like to reach 200 by my 30th birthday at the end of next summer. And then I'd like to stay there awhile to give myself time to adjust and time to practice maintaining a stable weight.
There are so many aspects of my eating that need to be changed, but it can't all happen overnight. Cutting down on the desserts is a great first step. If I can prevent December from becoming a month-long binge on packaged holiday "treats", that itself is a vast improvement over every other December I can remember!
Keeping that in mind, some things that might help me going forward:
bigger meals (focused on protein and veg);
a fourth meal late at night;
or having the right kinds of snacks on hand, like boiled eggs and celery with no-sugar peanut butter;
more water
Calorie-free holiday enjoyment
Saturday, December 3 food log:
Mixed greens--collard, turnip, mustard, spinach sauteed with onions
Salmon
satsuma mandarin
some brie en croute (I'd never had this before. Not sure I like it.)
cheerios with a banana
mug of Yogi calming tea
I decorated the tree tonight--glad that's done! Gonna curl up by it to read for awhile: one of my favorite calorie-free holiday pleasures. :)
Mixed greens--collard, turnip, mustard, spinach sauteed with onions
Salmon
satsuma mandarin
some brie en croute (I'd never had this before. Not sure I like it.)
cheerios with a banana
mug of Yogi calming tea
I decorated the tree tonight--glad that's done! Gonna curl up by it to read for awhile: one of my favorite calorie-free holiday pleasures. :)
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