Wednesday, January 25, 2012

High Anxiety

I realized tonight that I'm feeling really anxious. I consciously ate out of anxiety just a few minutes back. Not a binge, but I was knowingly and willingly eating to satisfy the urge to eat unnecessarily.

The anxiety is coming from two things. First, my husband came back today after more than two weeks away on a trip. While he was gone, I read "Brain Over Binge" and made some really positive changes to the way I was eating. Mealtimes were quiet, slow, peaceful--almost meditative. I only had myself to think about and cook for, and that made things much easier for me. Truth be told, I don't like being responsible for someone else's food--probably due to the numerous food/eating issues I have, and also because at 9 or 10 years old, it was already my assigned chore to cook dinner for our immediate family of seven on a regular basis. Over time, I have really grown to resent the task of cooking and cleaning up after others. I'd love to change this about myself, and occasionally do feel a bit of pride from serving others a nice meal and hearing my husband's compliments. But if he told me tomorrow that I was relieved of all cooking duties forever, I would cry tears of joy. (In case you are wondering, it is our agreement that until I'm making decent money from working--whether outside the home or as a self-employed person at home--one of my main contributions to the household is to cook wholesome food on a daily basis. I don't like it, but think it's only fair that I "earn my keep", like anyone else.)

Anyway, he's back. And now I'm scrambling to cook for him again. I just can't ever seem to find a steady, sane rhythm for meal planning, grocery shopping, and cooking--unless it's for a party of one. Meaning, just me. (This does make me scared of parenthood, by the way.) I don't have any confidence in my ability to make his breakfast, pack his lunch, and make his dinner consistently and on time while tending to my health needs and all the other things I need and want to do. If this makes him sound like an evil tyrant, he's not. He does demand lots of food (and is effortlessly slim, bah!) so I can get pretty exasperated with what seems like a never-ending task. But he's not a tyrant. If my inability to cook for one other human being and still function makes me sound ridiculous...well, believe me, I feel ridiculous. But there's some basic areas of functioning I struggle with, and this is one of them.

I ate mindlessly tonight, and zoned out in front of the TV for over an hour. When I came up for air, I realized I was just really, really anxious that everything is going to go to shit again. That I'm going to fall into binging again, for starters. That I won't have the presence of mind to remember or apply the things I learned in "Brain Over Binge" and will go crashing off the tracks. I started saying to myself "you're anxious right now. It's ok that you are. You are anxious..." My eyes welled up, saying that. It helped a bit to recognize it, and made me sit down to blog. That's a start.

I think I need mindfulness meditation classes. Seriously. I don't want to come unraveled over these seemingly small issues anymore!

At the beginning of this ramble, I said I was anxious about two things. The second thing is that I am starting to hop on the scale waaaaay too often. I'm starting to nitpick my food choices and scold myself for eating too much. Too many sweet things. Not enough water. Too much eating at night. I'm getting nutsy and impatient for substantial weight loss and thinking about alllllll the habits I need to change in order to really transform my body.

This is not a productive state of mind at all. Less than two weeks ago, I was binging. I need to be happy that I'm not binging right now, and build slowly and steadily from here. I know I'm in this for the long haul, yet I still fall into the trap of wanting and expecting too much, too soon.

Not binging, and eating my daily vegetable, and getting my exercise in...that's ambitious enough. My last binge was on January 13, so tonight I figured that I can focus simply on not binging for a month. Say, through Valentine's Day. On February 15th, perhaps I can add another facet to my plan.

Right now, I need to chill. Deep breath.

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