Sunday, January 29, 2012

Okay, so it's too early to bake

Yesterday was a special day for my husband and I. We went out for lunch, and I ate moderately. I enjoyed half of a perfect, tiny piece of flan. I thought that later in the day, I might use the immersion blender I received for Christmas to make chocolate mousse for the first time, just as a little evening treat for the two of us.

The day went on, and something career-related started bugging me. And against my better judgment, I decided to make mousse.

Now, I didn't binge on the mousse. But I overate, and I slipped into that same gray area that I spoke about recently (with the puppy chow). I started eating too fast; there was a desperation there. I set out intending to eat only the final product, but then started eating some of the ingredients as soon as the chocolate chips and Hershey bar were opened. I was standing at the counter, licking spatulas as I worked, and feeling unhappy and a bit crazy.

I made the mousse and some whipped cream to garnish it with, but neither turned out quite right. It still tasted good, and my husband loved it. Even though it was a moderate amount--nothing like a real binge--I ate too much, and in a short period of time. I mean, the mousse was rich--whipping cream, milk chocolate chips (melted), some powdered sugar, and vanilla. I didn't truly enjoy this dish because of the state of mind I was in.

Once I was finished eating, a small wave of nausea ran through me. It surprised me, but I guess my body isn't as used to pure sugar and cream, eaten rather quickly, anymore! I took a chromium supplement, ate some cheddar and sliced turkey, and walked on the treadmill for 20 minutes to mitigate the blood sugar spike I likely caused myself. I washed the whipped cream down the sink with water; it was a waste because we had eaten only a couple of tablespoons of it. I threw away the last bit of Hershey bar I had used to make decorative chocolate curls (that didn't turn out right, either) and put the remaining chocolate chips away with the rest of my baking supplies.

This is what I think.

1. It's too early for me to make desserts at home. Even though homemade means better quality and purer ingredients, I seem to have less of a problem when I go out and buy an individual serving of something.

2. I will have to work on "baking mindfully" at some point, because I do like to bake. Cooking feels like drudgery, but baking is fun.

3. It's best if I stay away from sweets when I'm upset to ANY degree. Even mildly upset. Though I understand I have control over my actions, I don't want to strengthen the association between emotional upset and sugary food in my brain any further.

4. It remains to be seen whether I can coexist with milk chocolate chips in the house. I did think about them once today, but the thought didn't linger long. If they become a problem, I will toss them.

I firmly believe that if I keep working on mindfulness and habit change, I will be able to do all the things a normal eater does, such as bake and have treats in the house. But I've got to address one area at a time, and right now, I'm still working on the fundamentals.

My mindfulness meditation classes start tomorrow, and I'm eager to learn. Have a great week, everyone!


  1. now i am stalking, I guess... I went back to your comments a couple of times - read them over and over again. Made me cry to be honest. And again, i am having the hardest time with positive feedback. It is beautiful what you said - so kind and appreciative and thats everything i don't want / can't handle.
    As odd and as contradictory that may sound, i guess thats what i have to learn to live with. People who like and appreciate me for whatever reason, may that be a trainer or someone i don't even know personally who likes my blog.
    Why can something good be so hard?!? Doesn't seem to make any sense. I simply cannot understand my screwed up brain...
    Even the positive attention from a stranger who lives half across the globe freaks me out. Please, i beg you, say something nasty and judgmental and i would feel fine with that :-S
    I guess my brain needs some serious re-wiring.
    Then again, when i want to change things like these, i am scared of being vain and arrogant and lose myself when attempting to get better. Nothing seems to make any sense anymore....
    on another note: i totally get what you say about the chocolate mousse. and i think you managed rather well. a big binge would have been easy enough, but you didn't do that!! so give yourself some credit for that. and rather waste some whip cream than keeping it for later (on your hips).
    it should't be such a big deal to make one simple desert - but let's face it. it is. and as long as it is that way, we just need to be careful. funny enough i had the same issue when i made some desert for Christmas. i had some chocolate flakes left over and put them on literally everything. until i threw the rest away. it was a waste. but not having them in the house prevented me from eating them. so i try to keep the house sugar-free - because i know if something is there i will find and eat it!
    about turning 30. it just seems like a big deal until you actually do. nothing really changes, all that happens is that the pressure and fear of turning 30 finally goes away :-) before i did turn 30, i heard someone say, everything gets better AFTER 30. so that's what i decided to believe and it came true. although it might not sound like that in my blog most of the time, but it's actually true. so i hope the same will happen for you.
    and i'm real curious about the mindfulness class. i've read lots about it recently - so keep us posted!

    1. I'll try to be nastier, promise.

      I'm kidding!

      I don't know what it is, and I certainly don't want to freak you out. It's just that I get the things you are talking about, and your honesty amazes me. Sometimes I feel like a rather dishonest person (like I put on an act that I am happier or more functional than I actually am, so others will accept me) so I really admire honesty in others.

      I smiled about the "having to learn to live with" positive attention and people liking you thing. Here's my issue: sometimes when strangers express admiration for me openly, I immediately wonder what is wrong with them and what they want from me. How sad is that!? This doesn't happen with blogging strangers, but people I meet face-to-face. I mean, they are seeing and hearing me in the flesh, can't they see what a trainwreck I am? They must want something, or they must be needy or mentally ill... But it's me with the mental illness--the depression, anxiety, eating disorder, etc. And it skews my view of people and their opinions and motivations sometimes.

      I have an extra hard time with female friendships due to childhood crap related to my mother. But I won't pour all that out here.

      Thanks for the reassurance that turning 30 can be rather good. I'm counting on that, as much of my 20s sucked. Things are already getting better, though, as I near 30, so I feel hopeful.

      NO PRESSURE--but if you ever want to exchange an e-mail or two, feel free to email me at Again, no pressure.